Online Reporter
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am on the verge of tears as I write to you. I am 33 years old, and my wife is 30. We are blessed with two beautiful children.
I am a civil servant and I work tirelessly to ensure my family is comfortable. At times, I even borrow money to meet their needs.
My wife does not contribute much financially, as she works as an assistant tailor for a former high school friend.
Last week, my neighbour had a heated argument with his wife after discovering a large sum of money hidden in one of their cupboards.
When he confronted her, she confessed the money belonged to my wife and was being held there for safekeeping.
I was devastated. I sent my wife away and told her that, until she explains where she got the US$4 000 from, our marriage is over. I took the money back home.
I am deeply concerned about the impression this situation has created in our neighbourhood. I have since sent my children to stay with my mother, who lives nearby.
Response
I am very well and thanks for enquiring. My guess is as good as yours. Her behaviour was disgraceful, to say the least.
How can one trust a neighbour more than one’s spouse?
In this case, the drama has spread to two households. Sending her away without getting to the bottom of the matter was a mistake.
It is not good for the upbringing of the children. You are inconveniencing your parents as well. This is not their problem.
I suggest you both go for professional counselling so that she answers all your questions.
There is clearly a lack of trust and understanding in this marriage. You need to work as a team, especially when it comes to finances.
I would be happy to hear from you again after the counselling sessions. I wish you all the best.
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A family divided
Dear Amai, I got married into a very weird family. My husband has two sisters and three brothers, and they are obsessed with family meetings.
We do not even know what they discuss. Although they are all married, we — the sisters-in-law — are never invited to these sessions. Surprisingly, when their plans fail, they come to us for help.
As sisters-in-law, we get along very well because we all agree that this behaviour is unreasonable.
They make plans for the children’s holidays and other matters without consulting us.
Recently, the eldest sister-in-law suggested we hold our own meetings at the same time as theirs. Suddenly, our husbands have gone into panic mode.
They now want to know our agenda, even though we have never asked about theirs.
We have been summoned to attend their next meeting for the first time and explain ourselves. Should we make ourselves available or not?
Response
Hello writer and thank you very much for your communication. At times I wonder if people really understand what marriage means.
You are part of the family, so they should not take you for granted. There are no secrets between couples or family.
When they behave this way, it brings about a lot of unnecessary suspicion. In my view, it is a very good thing that they have invited you to join them. It is time to call a spade a spade.
The children and the households they discuss in private are also an important part of your lives.
I do not think it makes sense to start your own meetings in retaliation. If you wanted to get their attention, now you have it. Discuss everything together from now on. The family is strongest when it is united.
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I angered my husband
Dear Amai, I am in shock. I am a mother of two boys, and I have been married for 10 years. My husband used to be easy-going, loving and understanding. We are both educated and gainfully employed.
Last week, out of nowhere, he told me he no longer wants me to wear makeup or consume alcohol. When we got married, I did not drink — it was actually his influence that led me to start.
I asked him why he was suddenly making these demands and he said he was not ready to discuss it yet, claiming he was feeling emotional.
Coincidentally, there was a girls’ party last week. I drank too much and a friend had to drive me home because I was not in a state to drive.
My husband refused to get a lift from my friend. Instead, he called a cab, went straight to the party venue and took the car himself. I understand he was not happy about what he saw there. How can I make things right?
Response
Dear writer, thank you very much for reaching out. I do not know why you are failing to put two and two together. It did not take me a long time. After you told me about the party incident, I understood him.
You went as a driver and came back as a passenger and the reason being you were stone drunk.
Hatidaroka vasikana! That was very irresponsible of you. Thank goodness a friend stopped you from driving.
You were going to be a danger to yourself and others. I cannot figure out though why he goes on to say you must stop wearing makeup.
Please do not push him to speak now; let him calm down, then talk about the issue. I also urge you to look for a mediator.
Ask your friend about what else transpired on the night or what your hubby was exposed to. It is easier to make amends when you have the whole story.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
