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Laina Makuzha Love by Design
Are you a caring, supportive partner?
Some would want to answer this question with instant defence, giving reasons why their partner does not deserve the love, or support we speak of.
In this season rife with wedding bells, and many young people choosing this beautiful life path, it is important to understand how deeply such a step impacts your life, and why you choose it
Family, friends, good colleagues are really important, but we all can enjoy benefits of having that special someone in our lives who would give unconditional love and be by our side, no matter what.
It is undeniable that a partner’s support in the lowest moments can help boost our confidence to new levels.
No matter the situation, the presence of a supportive partner can wind in our sails, literally make us feel that everything will be alright!
Most marriage vows I’ve listened to always include a promise that sums up what it means to be a supportive partner but not everyone knows the best ways to be a supportive spouse or significant other.
Those who are blessed with marriage know those vows that came out of their own mouth, and hopefully remember to honour them.
It is normal for partners to experience some kind of changes in their lives, but there seems to be a tendency to be shocked that a partner might change one way or another in the marriage.
My view is if their flaw is not something causing harm to health or physical wellness, it is somewhat normal to have some imperfection showing up once married.
And I ask: so what if your spouse is not perfect? We all aren’t. And it shouldn’t change your promise to care, to love, to support.
Think back to when you first met. Is that a place you still visit in your mind or are you so contaminated with resentment now, that you can not remember how sweet your spouse once was, or why you got married?
Is there anyone in a regular marriage where two people freely say “I do”, who can say I don’t know what happened, I just found myself married? So think again about what brought you together.
What was it about your partner that made you choose them? I reckon pondering on it can help bring back the love the care if lost.
One can learn from those who’ve mastered how to just love and support their partners, the question begs: muri kuzvigona sei? It is common knowledge and a reality that spouses (or just a partner in a relationship for that matter) are not always so sweet and lovable, sometimes they manifest a plain ugly attitude, habits, maybe they are ever complaining and never appreciating, — habits which can make them unpleasant to be around.
Yet love must go on where it can! (at least I believe so. All said and done, if this is the person you want to be with for life, then it’s worth every effort to put in your all.
Sometimes it’s really in the seemingly simple, small details. I’ve often seen people being more courteous to strangers than to their spouses or their own children or siblings.
Harsh words on the one hand and yet sweet and polite on the other.
Picture this, you accidentally step on a stranger’s foot in the street or some place, more often than not, you are likely to politely apologise, or if someone is in the way, notice how you might excuse yourself so you can pass? Now picture the same scenario at home or with your partner — do you still say please, excuse me, thank you — to mention but a few?
Do you make time to just be there for your partner or to listen with empathy? Kudos to you if you do because those seemingly small things can make a difference.
I’ have observed couples looking grim in their vehicles especially in the morning traffic, on the way to work or church, yes, even to church! Some just wake up feeling angry at their partner.
Ko zvaita sei? What’s putting that wedge between you? Isn’t it funny how it seems its always the other person that’s in the wrong — never ourselves?
It’s the other person who doesn’t understand, it’s the other person who “needs to change/improve”, or who has changed in a negative way? What is your part in all of it? Are you a supportive, caring partner?
Do you communicate well enough for your partner to confide in you about how they may be feeling, or what they might be going though.
Supporting your partner also means appreciating their gifts and talents, which by the way don’t diminish just because they are in a relationship or they are married.
In a book I once read, the author, said, in a marriage coaching class, to counter the many complaints they had about their spouses, she challenged the participants to list as many positive qualities (including physical) in their partner as they could think of.
The author vouched for this as one way that helped couples remember and appreciate each other as they did in the beginning of their relationship, some of the qualities that even attracted them to each other.
She described how some of the participants had been so upset with their spouses that at the beginning of the exercise, they couldn’t think of, or were not willing to write anything positive, but once they allowed themselves to see past their current sentiments, they were surprised at what a long list of good qualities there were in the partner.
While some might argue that “love isn’t enough” or “love doesn’t conquer all”, nor fix all, I tend to believe love is a beautiful thing, to be celebrated, nurtured promoted and mended where there’s merit.
I’m inspired by what love can do to an individual, a child, a spouse, a patient, a parent, sibling etc.
But speaking of romantic love, it was Billy Ocean who sang: “I used to think that love was just a fairy tale, until that first hello, until that first smile…, skip to chorus where he says: Suddenly, life has new meaning to me, there’s beauty up above, and things we never take notice of, you wake up and suddenly, you’re in love…”
I hope anyone that’s been in love can relate to that kind of love that transforms the way you see someone, the way you see things.
And if you are looking for this kind of love, I hope it may surprise you in this festive season or the near future.
One of the many vital keys to being more loving is the unifying factor of having a shared vision of your relationship, which begins with each individual having a vision that the other knows of and then putting those two together to become this powerful force.
Some couples will tell you this is best done before marriage, putting your passions and dreams on the table and agreeing on how these can co-exist so that it’s not a case of pulling in different directions.
Now, that doesn’t mean you necessarily have similar dreams or goals at first or love the same things. You are still individuals, but you understand what it means to be married.
One of my favourite view of marriage was aptly described in the movie “Shall we dance”. In it Beverley Clark, played by Susan Sarandon says:
“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything.
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day.
You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”
When you know what your partner desires in life, and you want the best for them, it ceases to be just about you.
Imagine each partner working on supporting the other, how exciting that would be. You would want to see them stay on track and prosper, you would want to celebrate their successes and not see it as competition to be jealous of, nor some tug-of-war.
When did you last feel like you wanted only the best for your partner, when their weakness, their pimples, their less than perfect smile, their imperfect voice didn’t matter to you?
Somehow I cant seem to get enough of stories of how any couple met. I could just sit there with a bowl of popcorn and listen to heart warming stories of how it all started.
There are as many variations as there are couples. In my time I’ve heard quite a few of those…for some it was love at first sight, or high school/college sweethearts, introduced by friends, by pastors, by church elders, or parents to parents.
I wonder what your story might be? It may not necessarily be as sweet as in the movies — but is it ever anyway? Hit me up in my DM, lets share those stories, reminisce and celebrate love or work around the challenges as I like to do in this column. Here’s to more life, more love.
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