The challenges faced by couples with disabilities

Disability Issues

Dr Christine Peta

DIVORCE is a difficult and emotional process for anyone involved, but when one or both parties are persons with disabilities, the process can be more complex.

Be it a physical, intellectual, sensory or mental disability, epilepsy or albinism, divorcing someone with disabilities can bring up a host of unique challenges and considerations, particularly within the African context.

In many African cultures, divorcing a person with disabilities can be viewed as taboo. It is often perceived as capable of bringing misfortune to the individual who initiates the divorce or to their family.

In some communities, persons with disabilities may be seen as having special insight or spiritual value, so abandoning them is regarded as a form of disruption of familial and communal harmony, potentially inviting bad luck.

Divorcing a person with disabilities often conflicts with cultural values of loyalty and responsibility.

The traditional expectation of caring for a spouse, regardless of their abilities, can create pressure to remain in the marriage.

Research has indicated that most men whose wives acquire disabilities in the course of marriage often struggle to accept the conditions of their spouses.

However, in order to preserve the traditional values of marriage and for fear of bad luck if they divorce a spouse who has acquired disabilities in the course of marriage, research reveals that men often resort to acquiring “small houses” to compensate for the wife’s alleged “weaknesses”.

A “small house” is an informal, long-term, secret sexual relationship with another woman who is not a man’s legal wife. The woman usually stays in a house that is often a smaller version of the man’s own home.

The “small house” is usually a younger woman without disabilities, who may even be half the age of the man. She may be prepared to have children with the married man in exchange for material provisions.

The “small house” is often not meant to replace the first wife who has acquired disabilities in the course of marriage, but to run parallel to the man’s marriage.

“Small house” relationships are usually kept a secret. However, if the first wife finds out and does not opt out of the marriage, she remains married on paper (marriage certificate) and enjoys the privilege of being the wife and keeping her husband’s surname within a patriarchal society that looks down upon unmarried women.

The biblical concept of submission to husbands contributes to the submissiveness of women to men in marriage, even in the face of “small houses”.

Some men justify the “small house” practice by referring to an unwritten clause of African tradition: “It is our African culture to have more than one woman.” They proceed to say, after all, monogamy is for white people.

The man often has the final decision in the household. He even controls the property, as well as his wife or wives, who are also regarded as his possessions.

In a few instances, a man may pay roora (bride price) for a “small house”, particularly in cases where the man would have fathered children with the “small house”.

Research has shown that a woman who acquires disabilities in the course of marriage may be grateful to her husband for not divorcing her.

However, she often has to deal with criticism for losing sexual attractiveness on the basis of disability, infertility, ageing and not properly undertaking diverse household chores, including cooking, washing, cleaning the house and fetching water and firewood.

Overall, the cultural understanding of marriage in Africa, when one of the parties acquires disabilities in the course of marriage, is complex and influenced by a mix of spiritual beliefs, social norms, economic considerations and cultural expectations.

Addressing these issues requires sensitivity, say, to the emotional trauma that people may experience when they acquire disabilities in the course of their marriages.

Dr Christine Peta is a disability, public health, policy, international development and research expert. She can be contacted on: [email protected]