adminTsungai Chekerwa-Machokoto
In our society, it is acceptable for a man to sleep around and make babies with different women in his youth but if a woman does the same she is called all kinds of names.
Why is that? Should virginity be kept just by women while men practise to satisfy their wives?
Should women also practise to satisfy their husbands?
Why is it acceptable for men to sleep around while women who do the same are labelled prostitutes, loose and immoral?
These questions suggest that there is sexism of virginity.
We live in a patriarchal society that has negative judgmental connotations towards women.
Women historically had limited control (if any), of their bodies. They had no control over how many children they were supposed to have. They could not choose their careers. They had to conform to the expectations of the marital family.
They absolutely had to get married. In fact, marriage was a must and it was the ultimate achievement.
Education was not that much of a priority, if one got married that is all that mattered.
Careers for women were somewhat an extension of their marital roles for example nursing, domestic work and teaching.
Finally, virginity was elevated and was the pride and joy of a family and was the perfect gift to the husband.
Needless to say, the winds of change came with a lot of shifts in what was called the norm.
In our contemporary society, the position of women has really changed and has caused a lot of uneasiness and controversy.
Globalisation and migration have facilitated exposure to other cultures and fortunately or unfortunately people have been enticed by the differences that they have seen.
Marriage is no longer the ultimate achievement for young women; it is their careers and independence.
Women are more in control of their sexuality and actually move around with condoms to protect themselves should they engage in sexual activity.
The world has become a global village and so cultural infiltration and dilution is inevitable.
Young women and men today say statements like: “virginity is so overrated”, “why should I close my legs when he is opening his zip?”, “virgins should also marry virgins”, “virgins are boring and are a waste of time”, “who wants to get married anyway?”
“Have you seen the number of divorces these days?”, ‘It’s not like you get any money for being a virgin, I’m telling you auntie, nobody cares”.
“No one minds because nobody is expecting a virgin”, and lastly, “Who cares? Guys these days don’t mind girls that are not virgins because they are busy sleeping with us and they know what happens”.
“It’s old fashioned to expect virginity from a girl. Boys should also be virgins if they want us to be virgins”.
Young people are all speaking with the same convictions and it is quite shocking and unsettling to be honest.
I remember thinking, what has the world come to? When I was young, you just had to be a virgin. There was nothing to discuss.
That was final and no matter how much you loved a boy, sex was for marriage. This thing of wanting to even negotiate was unheard of.
Discussing it meant that you were saying to your parent that you wanted to have sex and you wanted to do it while in their house.
That was impossible. The topic of sex was almost taboo! Back then also, there was barely any technology. A phone was attached to the wall and everyone would listen-in to your conversation.
There was no privacy and only two calls were allowed per day at our house. More calls meant immoral behaviour!
You were supposed to concentrate on your books and not the phone. There wasn’t WhatsApp and so parents actually had time to talk to their children and instil values and virtues. That rarely happens these days.
Interesting enough, regardless of all these changes that have transpired over time, culture still expects women to be virgins while praising men for having children out of wedlock.
This virgin woman is supposed to prove her goodness by taking care and accepting the children that the husband would have had while she was keeping her virginity.
She is expected by society to love the results of what he was doing while practising to satisfy her.
It is a ridiculous rationalisation. Religion expects sexual morality from both the man and the woman but because culture has a dominant presence in society, the cultural expectation is the one that becomes the law of the society.
There is definite sexism in virginity.
It is almost normal that a man has at least one child before he gets married. Apparently it is tolerable because “that’s how men are”.
For the woman that the man has a child with, it is a different story. A woman with a child but not married is called mvana in Shona society.
The man who has a child before marriage is “a well-functioning man”. A well functional woman would be the one who accepts the husband’s past and makes a home for his children before she even has any of her own.
That is evidence that sexism in virginity and morality is existent.
Women are the ones expected to be the custodians of morality and virginity. Whether that is fair or unfair is a discussion for another day.
Poverty has eroded the moral fibre of communities. There is a price tag to anything and everything.
Parents have shelved the requirement of purity from their children because they need those same children to feed them and take care of them.
Criticising immoral behaviour might become the reason why they miss meals and on a balance of scales, meals always remain the biggest need.
The youth of today are very expressive and very liberal.
Based on the above mentioned quotes it is clear that they need a refocus of their perspective of virginity.
It is so unbelievably trivialised. Virginity should still be treasured by couples and by families and should still be taught in our future generation.
If we as parents do not take time to slow things down in our children, by the time we realise the repercussions and try to fix things, it might be too late.
I completely agree with the saying “catch them young”. Science has proven that what you teach a child before they turn eight is who they will become.
So if we instil sexual moral values in both girls and boys, they will grow up conscious of the importance of integrity, fidelity and commitment from a very early stage.
It is safe to make an inference from the above quotes from the young generation and say that women and men of today do not care about virginity or lack thereof.
They do not even admire marriage because of the high divorce rates that they witness.
Marriage is no longer a priority and independent young women are envied and admired.
Due to global exposure as a result of travel and technology which has contributed to cultural dilution, the requirement of virginity has become a sure thing of the past.
Boys do not want virgins, girls are challenging the expectation of virginity from them.
The situation is chaotic and we need to go back to the drawing board and try to catch them young hoping they will grow up admiring the old fashioned way of life because it brings grace and promotes a life of integrity.
Who knows, maybe if it is packaged in a cool enough way, they might not only buy it, but want it!
Tsungai Chekerwa-Machokoto can be reached on [email protected].
Online Reporter