Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
The series on raising conscious sons and daughters sparked beautiful responses.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in. But one message kept coming back: “We are trying to raise well-rounded children in homes that do not feel well or rounded themselves. What about our marriages? What about our broken selves?”
So this week, let us talk about the parents. The marriage itself. Because if we listen, the mood in many homes is low and full of blame and mistrust. Men are complaining: “My wife does not respect me anymore. She is always tired, always comparing me to other men.”
Women are disgruntled: “My husband is not present. He is on his phone, he provides money but not himself, he does not see me.” Both feel unseen. Both feel tired. Both feel like they are giving more.
So what is happening? Where are the challenges stemming from?
Many marriages are not collapsing from lack of love. They are wilting from lack of tending. “Weeds” are growing unabated in some unions. Two loving people came into marriage with vows and good intention but somewhere along the way, wounds surfaced. Some brought their “father wounds” and “mother wounds”, or past heartbreaks, church pressure, family pressure, financial stress, and unspoken expectations into one house and expected peace to just happen.
Problems rarely start with a big betrayal. They start quietly.
Perhaps we stopped being curious about each other and started assuming we already know. We stopped speaking kindly and started keeping scores. We stopped resolving issues and started rehearsing each other’s faults to our friends, siblings or to parents. We are in the same house but in different emotional rooms.
It does not help that we are living in a loud world. Social media has given everyone a microphone to complain about “men are like this” and “women are like that.” We have carried that general complaint into our specific marriage. But your husband is not all men. Your wife is not all women. Your marriage is not the internet’s marriage. It is yours to protect.
What could an ideal marriage look like?
Ideal does not mean perfect. Perfect marriages do not exist. If you see one online, it is filtered. We know this now, for sure. I have often said a healthy marriage is a “safe” marriage anchored in faith in God and in prayer and team work.
Just as we check blood pressure, I reckon marriages need check-ups – not when they are dying, but while they thrive.
So what is the “temperature” in your marriage?
Ask yourself honestly:
In the last 7 days, did my spouse feel more criticised by me or more appreciated by me?
Have I been kind in my tone, not just in my intentions?
Have I been fair — or have I expected what I do not give?
Is there a feeling or change I have been hiding instead of communicating?
Have I been bringing my best self home, or my leftover self?
Ask each other calmly:
Do we feel safe to tell each other the truth without fear?
When did we last laugh together, just us?
What is one habit that is building our marriage, and one habit that is slowly destroying it?
Are we still protecting each other from surprises, or are we keeping secrets and calling it peace?
If our children copied our marriage exactly, what kind of marriages would they have?
You may not love all your answers. That is okay. Awareness is not condemnation but an opportunity for a clean slate, for getting back on the same page. And choosing to stay on the same page is the most loving protection you can give your marriage. People change. Feelings change. Pressures change. A healthy couple talks about those changes early, not after they have become a damaging secret.
This is where many marriages get a nasty surprise. One person has slowly fallen out of love, or feels overwhelmed, or is attracted to someone else, or is drowning in debt — but says nothing.
They smile at breakfast while building another life in their head. Then one day, the other partner is hit with infidelity, or a sudden “I want a divorce,” or a financial mess they knew nothing about.
A healthy marriage says: “If how I feel about you, about us, about my life changes, I will tell you while we can still do something about it. I will not let you be the last to know about your own marriage.”
It sounds like: “Lately I have been feeling distant and I don’t like it, can we talk?” Or “I am struggling with temptation at work, I need us to pray and put boundaries.” Or “I am not happy with how we handle money, can we review it?”That is not complaining. That is caring enough to communicate before it becomes betrayal.
So this week, do not focus on what your spouse is not doing. Focus on your part. Your kindness. Your fairness. Your honesty about how you are really feeling.
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Naledi Laina Makuzha
