adminLenox Lizwi Mhlanga
Exams are mankind’s sincerest form of self-inflicted misery. As you read this millions upon millions of people are neck deep in examinations. Now if you thought that my brief is to advise you on how to deal with them, then tough it. I should not be blamed for something you got yourself into in the first place.
Asking my niece the other day what she thought about examinations, she said that it was a plot by her school to delay Christmas.
So why am I writing about this. Well, let us say that I have the experience. I have written all kinds of exams, passed and failed some while at some point I have set and marked some. At the highest level. And still do.
Which reminds me. I wrote a message to my varsity students whom I teach public relations kindly asking them how the exam went. Only two of them responded meaning that the rest of them hate my guts. No offence, i-job yi-job and someone has to do it.
Bringing me back to why I am writing this, my first column in a very long time. If you are old enough you will remember On The Lighter Side my column in the Sunday News, our sister paper. A lot of people vow by that column which I must say reflected a crazy side of me that I will barely disguise here.
Writing a funny column is tough. Ask comedians how they manage to churn out all those jokes when inside they are dying to kill someone. One has to be inspired enough to sustain it. I will let you in on a secret. This same issue almost derailed this column and caused a week’s delay.
The material that I handed in for publishing saw the sharp end of the editor’s spike because, according to him it was, “hard financial news not fit for leisure.” Alright, I sometimes drift into bouts of self-deprecation now and then. Aren’t we all like that? Blame it on the economy.
Back to the issue at hand, that of examinations. Are they necessary? Or they are just a way to inflict our sadistic tendencies on others? We definitely don’t feel that way when we set the exams because the assumption is that those that sit for them would at least have come prepared.
That is the theory part. The reality is the opposite. History is full of people who try every trick in the book to cheat at exam time.
There is not enough space in this column for all the shenanigans we did to cheat the exam. From writing answers on the cuffs of our shirts to the classic formulae ceiling.
Exactly! Some bright spark wrote the entire . . . on the exam room ceiling. Which was cool. Until he was caught wearing glasses when he never did for the entire period he was in high school. If I was one of those in authority, I would have rewarded such ingenuity in cheating with an A+.
Which brings me to my next point. Sitting an examination is purely circumstantial. Simply put, one cannot determine the rest of someone’s life based on an a couple of hours sitting in a stuffy room answering confusing questions. It’s not fair!
What if I develop diarrhoea during the exams? Do I get a second chance without having to re-write? Not so fast. So you see how unfair the whole system is! I thought that when they spoke about curriculum reform, the first sentence on the document would be: There will be no examinations of any form or kind.
I am sure a lot of parents will not be happy with this for one reason alone. The fact that exams would be removed in their lifetime after all the torture they themselves went through. And for their offspring to miss out on the torture.
Detestable as they might be, exams are necessary for us to exercise our mental faculties. That is if you don’t end up in a mental institution like one or two people I know. Because of exams, a medical student was caught eating pages from one of their recommended texts.
He took his lectures too literally. Having failed to absorb information via the normal route he thought trying the alternative route (digestion) would do.This was not far from that convoluted biologically scientific method. Sleeping with a textbook under your pillow with the vain hope of the transfer of material from a dense medium to a less denser medium. You got it — osmosis!
Allow me to pose for a word count. Nope, I still have a few more lines to write so grin and bear it. There are so many reasons why they should be banned.
Chief among them being the anti-social behaviour they breed in the most impressionable sector of the system, the student body. Why is it that student demonstrations for whatever reason, including saving the whales, erupt just before examinations?
Is that a silly question or what? Just look at the #FeesMustFall demos in South Africa. When we were at varsity all those years ago, when stones were still soft, when the situation looked hopeless (exam wise) we organised a demo. Never mind what is was about, as long as we delayed the inevitable.
There are some of us from that era who kept running. To this day they have never seen the inside of an exam room.
On the flip side, we need to understand why exams will never be abolished. It has become an industry in itself. From the Zimsecs of this world to the army of people who mark and set them, down to the invigilators.
What about the downstream industries created by teachers who lose exam scripts and supply vegetable vendors. What will happen to those? I am not leaving out those who leak exams and sell them for profit to hopeless candidates.
Banning exams will lead to the total collapse of the economy as we know it. For that reason alone we should retain them until we are able to identify a viable revenue stream. Sorry, but I tried. Otherwise, it’s back to the marking for me to earn a few bob. #ExamsMustStay
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