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Bongi Nkomazana
Last week we sort of directed our conversation at fathers and how they choose to raise their daughters affects the type of woman and human they will become. This was not an uncommon issue because it’s generally men whom are called out for their absence (physical or emotional) in their children’s life and rightfully so.
However, today I would like us women to focus on our parenting skills. No matter how empowered and independent we are, one of the main primary roles we play as females is that of the mother. We have the womb; we bear the child, end of story. Yet no one is perfect, it’s always good to strive to be your best especially where your characteristics affect the soul of another human being AKA our precious children.
There is something I read last week after writing about the “dad and daughter” relationship that has lingered in my head. It went a little something like “a toxic mother can cause just as much damage as an absent father”.
How profound is that? Tony Hoy of Better Help explains that “the relationship with our mother”, or the person who represents “mom” to us, is one of the most defining in life.
Our self-image and our view of others and the world are closely tied to this relationship, and if it is toxic, it can put serious obstacles in our life’s path. He even suggests that there is a connection between some diseases like rheumatoid arthritis and a patient’s bad childhood relationships with their mothers, especially in women.
May I make a disclaimer? This is not by any means a mommy bashing article. It aims to open our eyes to how our actions may be detrimental to our children and their health and peace. It will also help us diagnose the source of these actions and figure out how we can change them.
I am a mother myself and I realise that I need to hold myself responsible for my actions. That being said, it goes without saying that we mothers love our children and would not intentionally set out to hurt them.
There can be anything under the sun and we will still go beyond the Earth for them. So if you recognise any of the toxic traits in you, it does not mean you hate your child, it just means you should do some things differently, for their good. It’s very heartbreaking to hear anyone, young or old, say that they do not get along with their mother or that they failed to establish a relationship with them.
It happens but it’s very sad and more times too often children are blamed for this. This child is unruly and they are this and that but who is pointing out the mother’s flaws and making them accountable for their contribution in the failed relationship?
Nobody because in our culture you dare not even slightly imply that an elder, let alone your mother, is wrong. This in itself is an unhealthy societal norm.
Although it was put in place to maintain respectfulness, adults are getting away with emotionally abusing their children and that is not ok in ANY culture.
So how do you know if you are a toxic mother or if you have a toxic mother? The answer is not black or white but specialists simplify it by telling us to find out how our children feel after interaction with us, their mothers, or how we feel after interacting with our own mothers. If feelings of guilt, depression and frustration and even of dread to see the mother are present then there is your answer.
The first common toxic trait is that “nothing is ever good enough for you”. You are constantly complaining and no matter how hard your children try to please you, you remain unimpressed.
This often comes along with constant criticism, comparisons and a string of apologies from the child. As an adult, can you handle someone who is constantly pointing out what you are doing wrong despite the hundred things that you are doing exceptionally?
We even lose it in our relationships when we feel compared to so and so because they are better at this. Imagine how negatively this affects a child and their development. Words that we spit out to our children like “lazy”, “clumsy” and “fat” will kill their confidence and they will most likely grow up to be exactly that.
If you speak ugly words upon your child how do you expect them to be anything else but that? I know people from my childhood whom, to everyone else, seemed as if they would not amount to anything but because their parents reinforced them with encouraging words then, they are living their best lives today.
The power of a mother’s tongue ladies and gentlemen remains undefeated so speak happiness, success and wealth into your children’s lives.
We all have those grannies who will hone you into visiting them by pretending to be extra sick and that the cure is seeing you lest they die. It’s cute . . . but is it really? Guilt tripping is another toxic trait. Now this one is plain and simple.
Do not make your children feel guilty for the failures in your life. If you are broke you are broke. Listing to your child every monetary thing you do for them to make them feel like your life would be more convenient without them is abuse if you ask me.
They didn’t ask to be born first of all and secondly it is your duty as a parent and their right as children to have an education, clothes, food, a home etc. Manipulating them to think that they do not deserve certain things takes away from their feelings of worthiness and being loved.
It is one thing to demand respect from your children but it is another to want to dictate the exact words they speak, their personality, the way they dress and what they do in every minute of the day. In other words being a control freak is very toxic.
This applies to the older children. To really see if you are absurdly controlling, answer these questions. Please be honest with yourself.
-Do you get angry when your child airs a different opinion from yours?
– Do you hover around things they need from you as leverage to get them to comply to what you want?
– Do you throw their failures or struggles in their face just to remind them of how lower they are than you?
If your answers were yes you know now that that is not right. Children are individuals and should be allowed to mould into their true characters. All a mother can do is to instil the right values and the rest will follow.
Another toxic trait that a majority of black African mothers is guilty of is being a humiliator, thus ridiculing your children especially in front of people like smacking in public and passing derogatory comments. Why should your child’s shortcomings be pointed out in public?
Is entertaining strangers more important than safeguarding a child’s feelings?
Other toxic traits include but are not limited to disregarding your child’s negative emotions, disrespecting personal boundaries, being passive aggressive (silent treatment is the main symptom) and being indifferent about your child’s success.
As you are reading this put yourself in your child’s shoes and receive all these traits in that form.
Do the traits ring a bell from your childhood? If you were raised by a mother who had these traits they most likely rubbed off on you or affected you negatively. Make it a point to end the cycle.
You and your children or you and your mother can opt to go for counselling to try and mend the damage that has already been done whilst working on a healthier relationship moving forward.
Online Reporter