We can’t afford to ignore ‘taboos’

and strongly felt I should stop writing about these topics.
I thought I should reply to this one and explain certain concerns brought up in the email.
Nguruverume was responding to the article “Communication the right tonic” (29 June 2011) and here is what he had to say:

Old women you are obsessed with sex. Are you not ashamed? You have grandchildren and sons-in-law. What do they think seeing you talk about such issues non-stop?
You are not even ashamed to have your photo on the stories? There is life after sex you women. What will the women and men who are paraplegics do? Should they divorce?
What about the music you used to write, have you run out of ideas? Please grow up, and leave such issues to girls and boys.
Teach the youth appropriately please not to give the impression that sex is an obsession (nymphomania) as portrayed by Western pervasion is the end all of life? Seek the glory unto Jesus!

1. Old women you are obsessed with writing about sex are you not ashamed?
This is part of life and we need to talk about it. Maybe you have forgotten – that is where we come from and we need to understand this ancestor of ours!
That is why today we have all these problems that we have because we do not understand our greatest ancestor. The way we treat sex has brought us a lot of misery socially, health-wise and spiritually. It is a mystery and even an old person who has been having it for donkey years, still regards it as a mystery, and will hop from one partner to the other thinking they will find something new because it is regarded as a mystery.

It has to be demystified by talking about it. I don’t know which school of thought you are coming from, but if it is African culture then I am perfectly the right person to talk about this subject. As you said I am old, yes at 53, I have seen a lot and in our African culture it is women like us who would lead girls at initiation, because we have the experience.
How do you talk about something that you don’t know? In the olden days there were forums to discuss these issues, and today we don’t have those forums and we will use the media to do that.

The African culture understood these things very well and they encouraged communication to make sure that couples enjoyed this to the maximum. Actually you are taking me back to when I started writing about the taboo issues.
It all started when I was researching or writing for my master’s research programme and the title of the master’s project is also a book on Women Musicians (Women Musicians in Zimbabwe 1930’s-2010).

When I asked scholars, old people and women on how women used music in the olden days (in pre-colonial times), I was told that a woman was encouraged to communicate whatever she wanted to communicate to the family using music, which also included leisure room issues.
According to ethnomusicologist Mwesa Mwapona, a woman would sing while working – pounding or grinding – and took the opportunity when the family members were gathered and sang a song to alert the relatives that the husband (their son) was not performing or creating sparks in the main room.

The husband’s family would discuss and ask the man if there was any problem and why he was not able to perform. They would ask if he had problems with his back and prepare something for him, like mazondo (trotters).
Two weeks ago I went to a certain joint situated between Mbare and Belvedere with my sisters and there were plates of mazondo making the rounds. I saw men taking something from the pockets of their jackets and sprinkling it on to the mazondo and someone told me that when the herbs are mixed with mazondo it helps the back to be strong.

This was done in the olden days for a man who had problems with his back – a pot of mazondo and some herbs would be prepared for him. Leisure room affairs were taken very seriously, that is why communicating about the issues was also taken very seriously as this is the cornerstone of a happy marriage.

I was touched by a young man who wrote to me and said:
Amai thanks for the revealing articles, because surely “bonde” is the backbone of any marriage, the bedroom is key for sure.

I’m only a year into my marriage and I now can understand first hand all your input. I started reading your column when I was single.
In the article where I explained how music was used in the olden days I also mentioned how a mother threatened his son who was going to bed in an overall and did not want to have anything to do with his wife. The mother was going to take drastic measures if he continued punishing his wife.

The wife said she could not believe it as her husband turned into a small boy and said ‘I heard you mum’. That night some sparks were created in the main room and she conceived twins.
The mother also said: “I don’t want avenging spirits in my home for refusing your wife what she is supposed to get in that room.”

So what I am saying here is that an old woman knew the importance of the leisure room and its functions.
Since that first article I realised how people out there wanted to talk about this issue through the number of emails I received. We have discussed a variety of issues in this column; of broken cooking sticks, three-course meals, how some couples are having problems introducing variety in the leisure room.

I talked of how some men turned into mambas at night, how some women thought exciting each other in that room is for prostitutes, the bewitching method or happy eater.

2. You now have grandchildren and sons-in-law, what do they think seeing you talk about sex in the paper nonstop?
This to me is a calling just like the way I started music research. I think this issue of women being threatened or blackmailed not to follow their dreams because they have sons-in- law is unfortunate. Some women are even told by family or friends that your daughter will be divorced by what you are doing.
Women have failed to achieve their dreams because of how they are supposed to be “real” women who answer to everyone in the society.
This reminds me of a woman musician who used to sing in the 1950s.
When I wanted to interview her, the daughter was very angry with me despite the fact that the mother was so happy that I was going to interview her.
The daughter phoned me and said: “You are not going to interview our mother about this issue. What will our husbands say?”
I told her that her mother wanted to talk to me and she became very angry and told me that they had already spoken to her and she would not be available.
I could not believe this! A woman wanted to talk about her achievements in music and was not allowed to because she had sons-in-law.
Some women have given up their professions because of what family and society say, and after they have done that they create a vacuum which no one will fill and they die bitter women. It is not worth it.

3. You are not ashamed to publish your
photos, disgraceful old women
Elderly couples whom you call paraplegics, can always use other less hectic styles. In my past articles I have discussed other ways of how couples can find pleasure in the leisure room. Old couples can just look at each other. You see old people looking at each other and the next thing tears coming down and the next thing they go to sleep, they will have taken each other to some unknown worlds.

They can just touch, talk, watch the moon and admire it together and young people can do this as well. It is not only done physically, they are thousands of ways of doing and enjoying it.
The main purpose for pleasure in the recreation room is to purify blood and it is an important factor in the life of an adult, as long as they are responsible.
You make it sound as if old people should not purify their blood, they have the right to. One can be the best teacher if they understand what they are teaching and keep researching new and innovative ways, then they can teach informatively.
This is part of life and let us talk about sex and be well informed and demystify it, that way it will be easy to educate young women and men and initiate them properly into adulthood and they can be become responsible people.