Online Reporter
Manje So with Mai Juju
ARGH, life can surely be full of surprises.
While we were all busy getting on with our miserable lives, which, of course, now involves routinely scrolling through social media kits, Mitchel Mutongwizo — sorry, Yahya Goodvibes — was busy getting married.
Most of us, like every other stunned Zimbabwean, found out via a grainy wedding photo on a lazy Saturday morning last week.
This is the woman who has made a career out of being unserious.
The queen of skits. The high priestess of chaos. The one who could turn a funeral into a punchline if the timing was right.
And now we are supposed to believe she has been hiding a fiancé?
A yacht-owning, China-based, former youth international footballer named Walter “Ringers” Musanhu?
Please. I need a minute.
Let me start with the name situation.
For years, we have called this woman Yahya. Yahya Goodvibes.
It rolls off the tongue like a DJ’s catchphrase. But Mitchel? Mitchel?
That is a name that has a passport and a birth certificate.
And that, dear reader, is the first clue that Yahya Goodvibes has been living a double life.
While we were busy laughing at her pretending to be an auntie at a funeral or a kombi conductor with attitude, Mitchel was out here quietly dating a man whose brother is Chamu Musanhu — Dynamos legend, defensive wall, man who struck fear into strikers across Zimbabwe.
You cannot make this up.
The carefree queen of chaos marries into football royalty?
That is like discovering your village clown has a PhD in astrophysics.
At 27 years old, Yahya has done what few socialites ever achieve: She has made us all look foolish.
For years, we watched her dance, drink, joke and live like tomorrow was a suggestion.
We assumed she was permanently single, permanently unserious and permanently incapable of keeping a secret.
Meanwhile, Mitchel was out here playing three-dimensional chess while we were fighting over checkers.
And the wedding itself?
Well, we cannot call that a wedding.
That was a heist.
She stole a marriage right under our noses, and we were too busy laughing at her last skit to notice.
Of course, the internet did what the
internet does best: It celebrated for exactly seven minutes before digging up old
photos.
The internet can be unforgiving.
Those images and videos of Yahya seemingly having a good time with Mponda Sugar — an equally damning name in all the wrong ways — were unsavoury.
Mai Juju just hopes and prays that Yahya will not destroy Mitchel’s marriage.
But here is what I cannot stop thinking about: How did she do it?
How did Yahya Goodvibes — a woman whose life is a live reality show — manage to keep an entire relationship private?
Did she have a decoy boyfriend? (Sorry, Allen Skits).
Did she train her friends to lie?
Did she simply refuse to post a single “date night” photo for two years?
That is black ops-level secrecy.
Meanwhile, Gemma Griffiths also got married the same weekend and everyone was civil about it.
Because Gemma is supposed to get married. Gemma sings about love. Yahya makes jokes about life after three bottles of something.
We did not see this coming.
And that, honestly, is the punchline.
The woman who made Zimbabwe laugh has had the last laugh.
We thought we knew her.
We did not even know her name.
Mitchel Mutongwizo, you have won this round.
But please, next time, give us some warning.
Our hearts can only take so many surprises from people whose Government names we have to Google.
Ndikoko!
derick.khumalo