What causes sexual problems within marriage? Part 2

Kilton Moyo
It is important for me to keep sharing on this because many couples struggle in this area and for lack of knowledge end up destroying their marriages unnecessarily. I believe that the way forward is for the church also to be open and talk and teach on these things so as to help in the building of strong and fruitful marriages which will give God honour and glory.

So last week we did look at a few of these causes and I am sure you were blessed. It is very important that as couples we have working understanding of issues around our sexual life even as the Bible says in 1 Peter 3:7a, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding”.

I hope I am not corrupting scripture here, but there is need for understanding the make-up of women and of men also so we can handle some issues that befall us in our marriages. So what are the thieves of our joy here?

Boredom
This is a nightmare in many marriages. After some years in marriage a couple gets accustomed to each other and run out of romantic ways to have sex. Everything becomes routine and monotonous. It’s like couples give up on trying to stimulate and inspire each other. They become less interested in each other’s appearance, actions, and jokes and begin to fight over these.

This leads to many being involved in extramarital affairs where they are looking for something attractive, and more exciting than their spouse. This is where many fall and continue to fall. We need to understand that sexual life in marriage depends on the environment that we both create. In order to have a fulfilling sexual life, couples must learn how to kill boredom by creating an environment that stimulates their passion for each other. No one will do it for us.

We need that excitement and fire and we must create it otherwise we lose out. A number of couples think that these things just happen.
Couples should work and commit themselves to keeping their passion burning for each other. As I said last time, it all depends on how open the couple talks about sex. If we are from the background that someone must just perform, then we are in trouble. No one needs to be taught how to perform the sexual act but we all at some point need to be exposed on creating the atmosphere and helping each other as spouses in order to be fulfilled. You will have to go out of your way and invest in your sexual life in your marriage or resign yourself to a life of boredom in an institution God created for excitement and fulfillment.

Psychological challenges
These can be a serious threat here too. I could show you a lot of these but let me just mention a few in passing. Things like conflict between the couple can affect the expression of love and intimacy. Intimacy and love cannot co-exist with bitterness, anger and perpetual conflict.

Fighting every night and expecting to be intimate is deception. You are abusing sex and each other to think that sex can help you deal with your issues. Personal problems and insecurities in both couples, but most particularly husbands can also be a challenge. It is psychologically proven that men who have a driven need to perform well in bed, and those who lack tenderness, patience or kindness can all have sexual problems in marriage. Now that is a huge deal of a challenge.

Most of these men will end up being abusive and violent and blaming their spouses. Guilt over past sexual behaviours can also cause problems for couples. This can also be guilt over current extramarital affairs or other silly tendencies. A guilty conscience needs no accuser, they say. Listen, do not be cheated. When a spouse gets sexual satisfaction elsewhere, sex with their spouse is likely to be less attractive and satisfying. You see, there is a lot that can cause problems in our sexual life in marriage but as I have said, there is greater need in this generation for sex education than before. There is need for better understanding of issues and their effects on us than before otherwise marriages will be turned into a circus.

Power conflicts in marriage
Withholding sex or demanding it can be tools couples use to assert their authority or even get their revenge on each other. I am sure you will agree with me that many suffer this oppression. Wives will withhold while most men will demand. It’s rare for men to withhold and for women to demand but believe you me, these days anything can happen. It looks like that in a situation where the wife is not considered and is rubbished; the only power they have is to withhold sex and place demands to have their way. This is abuse. The same happens with demanding by some abusive husbands. Sex, instead of fulfilling and refreshing becomes a political tool of fixing each other. This is corruption in marriage. “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer;” 1 Corinthians 7: 5a.

Sexual dysfunctions
Erectile dysfunction in men and orgasmic dysfunction in women are common and many couples fight over these. It is better to seek medical attention than to fight each other. I hope someone there will take measures to talk about these as a couple and seek help. These have nothing to do with witchcraft as some believe, but are mere conditions needing some medication or physical therapies.

They are very common. I have said so much today but guess what, they are some people who think and believe that sex undermines their spirituality. They are too holy for it and it’s a dirty thing. If anyone thinks like that they need urgent help. God created sex and it is good according to him and is for marriage only. Perhaps as church we can help God’s people by mobilising medical people in our congregations to teach on these. Sorry, am just dreaming aloud!

Well, it is clear there are many causes to our sexual problems in marriage. The good thing is they all can be solved. How willing are you as a couple to solve your issues? That is the million dollar question. Otherwise enjoy your marriage and make it outstanding. It’s your duty to do so.

Kilton Moyo is the creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment program and is pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or whatsapp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or +263 712 384 841. [email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>