What does it mean to forgive?

Erik Raymond

Forgiveness is central to our experience as Christians.

It is at the heart of our relationship with God and our relationship with others. Jesus talks about forgiveness a lot and even inscribes it on the template for our prayers (Matthew 6:9-13).

At the same time, forgiveness is hard. It is unnatural. This presents a lot of questions as we try to work out the implications of living faithfully as Christians.

Jesus teaches us why and how to forgive.

1. What if the person does not ask for forgiveness? Am I still obligated to forgive?

This is an important question, because it is tremendously practical. If you work to faithfully apply the words of Jesus then you will likely encounter people who do not repent, ask for your forgiveness, or even seem like they think they have done anything wrong. How does this change your responsibility to forgive? Does it?

I do not think it changes our responsibility. The answer to the question is, we can and we must forgive them.

Let us think about it this way. Forgiveness has two sides, there is the extension of forgiveness and the reception of it. The emphasis in this passage before us is the extension. Jesus is not here talking about receiving forgiveness, but extending it. Certainly to feel the full effect of forgiveness we desire to have both sides sync up, but it does not always happen.

Jesus other teaching supports this view. We have to do our part in the forgiveness.

This is what Jesus meant, I think, when he said, “Love your enemies . . . bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:27-28). They do not stop being our enemies when we bless them. And this is what makes this so powerful.

They have not asked for our forgiveness, and perhaps they do not think they have to. They are content being our enemy and making life difficult for us. One has said, “We are to bless them, and that blessing means that our part of the inward forgiveness has happened.

The opposite of forgiveness is holding a grudge, but blessing is the opposite of holding a grudge, and so blessing is a kind of forgiving.”

I find it helpful to consider our Saviour’s words when he was on the cross. He said, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” Jesus was setting an example for us to follow. He prayed for those who did harm to him. He prayed for their forgiveness. “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).

2. Is there a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation?

Yes. Remember, sin is messy, and cleaning it up is often a lengthy, nuanced process. It is possible for forgiveness to occur in our relationship with God apart from interaction with the person who sinned against us. There are many reasons why we may not be able to speak with the person and extend forgiveness.

Forgiveness is different from reconciliation. Our reconciliation with another often depends upon the attitude and actions of the one who sinned.

In many cases, even if an offender confessed his wrong to the one he hurt and appealed for forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, “I forgive you, but it may take some time for me to regain trust and restore our relationship.”

The evidence of genuine forgiveness is personal freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response (Romans 12:17-21), but not always an automatic restoration of relationship.

Even when God forgives our sins, he does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. Yes, being forgiven, restored, and trusted is an amazing experience, but it is important for those who hurt others to understand that their attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust.

Words alone are often not enough to restore trust. When someone has been significantly hurt and feels hesitant about restoration with her offender, it is both right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin.

We can and must forgive others of their sins against us. But there may be other factors that can prevent full reconciliation and restoration of the relationship.

What are the dangers for a lack of forgiveness?

Let us remember that Jesus commands us to forgive. This is what he tells us to do. So, failing to forgive is a sin. This is the chief danger. If we do not forgive others we are affecting our relationship with God, dishonouring him, and undermining our confidence before him. This cannot be overstated.

Then there are other considerations. A lack of forgiveness will nurse bitterness. It grows with time and begins to affect many other areas of our lives. The Bible warns us against letting a root of bitterness spring up, noting that it causes trouble and by it, many become defiled (Hebrews 12:15). We do not have the power to hold a grudge.

We will become evil. If you try to repay evil for evil, you will yourself be taken in by it. You will become embittered, angry, hardened, vengeful, and even full of self-pity. You will try your best to maintain separation from it, but this evil vortex will pull you in.

Holding a grudge will only suffocate us, and never liberate us. Choosing to hold a grudge is tremendously powerful, controlling others and you. Forgiving is even more powerful, liberating others and you.

 How can I grow to be more forgiving?

First, grapple with the weight of personal sin. Remember that we have more in common with the one who did the sinning than we may like to admit. Cast everything in light of our relationship with God. Remember the servant who was forgiven much yet could not forgive others. We have been forgiven 10 000 talents. Certainly, we can grow to be more forgiving of offenses against us.

Second, marvel at the gift of total forgiveness. In Christ, every single sin has been washed away. Our certificate of debt has been completely cancelled.

Over the top of our bill there reads a divine declaration, signed in blood, “Paid in full.” There remains now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. We stand forgiven at the cross. Hallelujah! May this be the model and motivation for our forgiveness. –TGC