What is wife material?

Andile Tshuma, Gender

Women are from childhood encouraged to weave themselves into this wholesome silky wife material.

Wife material, a cloth especially designed to keep their men warm and grounded, woven from strong threads that will capture a man, secure him and tie him down.

The concept of a good woman is very subjective and fluid and varies from person to person and across society.

Controversial adult entertainer Bev Sibanda sent tongues wagging after recently getting married when so many of the so called “good girls” are still yet to find husbands.

I’m not saying people should marry hastily or those that are still waiting and praying for Mr Right are wrong. But just like some women tore into Ruvheneko Parirenyatwa last week over a no make-up photo, this week the social media brigade was on Bev’s case. 

So it seems part of society feels that as a dancer, a raunchy entertainer, she is not worthy of marriage. 

I liked some of the responses to that line of thought though. 

One of the popular Twitter accounts I follow, @suenyathi during the week shamed the brigade that was suggesting that Bev, due to her profession did not deserve to get married.

“Waking up to the noise around Bev’s wedding. Simply because in your small mindedness some of you think women like Bev aren’t worthy of marriage. Because marriage is a trophy given to good girls who toe the line. Agh shame lovies,” read @suenyathi’s Tweet.

This whole thing got me thinking, what type of woman is worthy of marriage.

What is marriage material? 

I think this idea of marriage material borders on the lines of suggesting that men are a homogeneous group, all the same, looking for the same qualities in a potential wife. The marriage material.

Women learn and are conditioned to be a good wife, mother and caretaker. Men are taught to be themselves and marriage seems to just show up for them.

Women are stereotypically seen as the ones who want to get married. The ones who will drag the man to the alter, if they have to, kicking and screaming.

I think sometimes, being a well-behaved, homely lady is not enough to attract the man of your dreams, you may attract an equally holy man, boring yet you may have preferred Mr Hubby to be on the kinky side of things. 

I think as a woman you must just do you and you will attract what you want; someone that will like the real you. 

Congratulations to Bev on her marriage. To those naysayers saying it’s a publicity stunt she will divorce soon, what about the holy sisters and brothers who divorce a fortnight after leaving the altar? Whatever is going on in Bev’s life is her business, how long the marriage will last is her and her husband’s business. 

 It is an obvious sentiment to be gleaned off societal behaviours, many women desire to get married as soon as possible; to be called Mrs, settle down, have lovely kids and do all the cute homely things people love to do.

And for the longest time, through its agents of socialisation, society has taught that it is the good girls, the coy ones who stay at home every time and never club or engage in social activities – that will get married ahead of the ones who choose to enjoy their youth and live their best lives.

But Alas, we have been lied to. 

 If you have been sold on that belief, it is time to snap out of it. There’s no such thing as ‘good girls’ marrying before ‘bad girls.’

What is the measurement of good girls? Christianity aside, does anybody have a ruler to measure goodness or marriage worthiness?

Your aunts may have tried to sell you that traditional idea that unless you were literally homely in that ludicrous sense of being within your gates all the time, no one would marry you.

Same thing with religious bodies and even primary and secondary schools. 

They make you believe that if you like partying and basically doing stuff that translates to enjoying your youth, men will not be interested in you.

It’s worth noting, though, that sons didn’t particularly get any of these restrictions.

 Being a good person in that misguided context of staying at home every time, not clubbing, not making friends, not engaging in youthful activities and not putting yourself out there will more likely get you no one than it would land you the man you’ve always prayed to God for.

You can have both. You can have all the traits your ideal man wants in a dream woman and still be reasonably outgoing, friendly, able to hold decent conversations and handle yourself in social situations.

Don’t get it twisted, no one is saying it’s absolutely impossible to get the love of your life without leaving your house. 

However, your chances are greatly increased when more people see you. It’s like a banner hoisted high on a well-patrolled highway and a little poster bill glued to a wall on a lesser travelled road. I’ll leave you to guess the one that’ll get more eyes.

 Wake up and smell the coffee… the ‘bad girls’ are out here living their best lives and getting all the good men. 

Our society is invested so much in the wife material concept it is reinforced with scriptures and reiterated as the ultimate qualification for any woman to earn the lifelong affection of a man. 

You must be a wife material, or else you are headed for a lonesome life of rejection and loathing. It is prescriptive. It is above all, precious.

Where is wife material sold?

While it is socially encouraged that people must be well groomed and have manners especially the girl child in order to avoid potential predators out there, it is not fair to keep on prescribing and imposing the wife material on young girls. They will dream and aspire only to be the perfect wife, and no more.

Let them dream of being the perfect partner, the boardroom giant, the biological and domestic roles are ok, can be taught but it must be fair. Girls must be taught to be powerful women just as boys are taught to be powerful men. 

I think Bev’s marriage shows us all that there is way more to wife material than we would want to admit.

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