Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
The dream is all too familiar to many — a better life abroad, new opportunities and a chance to build for the children. For many African couples, the decision to relocate to the UK, US, Canada, Australia or Europe is made together, with prayer, sacrifice and big hope.
But what happens when the plane lands and the dream meets a new reality?
Last week, in my conversation with author Sue Nyathi of “The Polygamist” — now adapted into a Netflix series — we spoke about introspection, owning our choices and the discipline of self-control. Those are lessons for any season of life. But they become especially critical when your whole world changes.
Lately, I’ve been reading heartbreaking stories and comments online about challenges faced by couples in the diaspora. One writer advised men in the diaspora “not to marry at all” because, in his words, “it’s a waste of time.” That arguable statement speaks to a quiet pain many are experiencing: marriages that once flourished back home are crumbling thousands of miles away.
I care deeply about this topic albeit without firsthand experience, because this column exists to explore ways to build stronger relationships and marriages — wherever might be in the world.
Since day one, my role in this column has been simple: to listen, to research and to share what experts, counsellors, and couples are saying. That way, those considering this journey can prepare well and those already in it can get help before it is too late.
Relocation is ranked as one of life’s top stressors in modern day. Add a spouse to the mix, or children and the pressure only compounds. Why?
Culture shock and role reversal
A family therapist who studies migration and family stress, Dr Pauline Boss, notes that “ambiguous loss and role confusion” are common when families migrate. Back home, roles are often clear and supported by extended family. A man may be a respected teacher, manager or businessman. A woman may have a ‘village’ helping with childcare.
Abroad, that script flips. A husband who was once a professional may now be doing gig work or menial jobs as he looks for better opportunities, while his wife lands a corporate job first. The income and status shift can be devastating. If we do not practice humility, self-control, understanding and healthy honest communication, that hurt turns into blame, resentment or toxicity.
Isolation and loss of community
For many, there are no aunties to help with the kids. No church members dropping by with a meal. No elders to mediate a disagreement. Psychologists call this “social isolation” — and it breeds anxiety, depression and pouring all your frustration onto your spouse. Introspection helps here.
Accusations of a “changed” character
A common complaint in diaspora forums: “She changed when she got there.” Women often cite newfound financial independence, exposure to different marriage norms, and freedom from community judgment as reasons for setting new boundaries. Men often feel they have lost respect and influence.
The truth is usually in the middle. It is not that someone became a bad person overnight. It is culture colliding with new freedoms and pressures. Owning our choices means asking: “What am I choosing to do with this new freedom? Am I building us, or pulling us apart?”
Money, children and exhaustion
Financial responsibilities, including back home, childcare costs that exceed a salary. One parent working night shifts while the other does school runs. Fatigue replaces date nights. Conversations become logistics. Intimacy becomes an afterthought. The result? Divorce rates rising. And even when couples stay together, many describe “living like roommates.”
Tips for keeping your marriage strong abroad
Here is what researchers and counsellors advise:
1. Discuss before you travel
Do your research. Have the hard conversations before the move. Who will work first? How will we handle money and remittances? What if one of us earns more? What are our expectations around culture, parenting, church, and friendships? Unspoken expectations are where most conflict starts. You will also need people who understand both your culture and your new context — people who can pray with you and hold you accountable..
2. Protect your quality time together
Marriage researcher Dr John Gottman’s work shows that couples who last, make time for friendship. In the diaspora, you must be intentional because the community will not do it for you. Schedule a weekly 30-minute check-in. No phones. No kids. Ask: “How are we doing? What do you need from me?”
3. Honour each other’s adjustment
Keep learning each other’s new world. If she is adapting faster at work, celebrate her, do not resent her. If he is struggling with identity, job hunting, listen without fixing. Maintain respect and honesty. Acknowledge grief. You have both lost something — home, status, familiarity. Grieve it together instead of against each other.
4. Get help early
Using online therapy, pastoral counselling, and diaspora marriage workshops, is not weakness. It is wisdom. A neutral third party can help you ‘translate’ each other again, When emotions are high, it is easy to hear criticism instead of concern, or anger instead of fear. A counsellor, pastor, or trusted mentor does not take sides. They slow the conversation down, and help you hear what your spouse is actually saying. Sometimes all a marriage needs is someone to translate ‘You never help’ back into ‘I am overwhelmed and I need you.’
An anchor beyond culture
When everything around you is changing, faith can be your anchor. Scripture repeatedly calls couples back to God, not just to each other, in hard seasons. The goal abroad should not be to compete, but to carry each other. Be encouraged in Proverbs 3:5-6; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
Let us keep the conversation going.
Share your thoughts, stories, or questions.
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