Women must never help men pay lobola

Word has been going round on social media that women in Zimbabwe want to embrace their sisters in Malawi and India who say men don’t have to show commitment by paying lobola.

It is said that Zimbabwean women will soon start paying lobola for their husbands thus overturning the usual cultural norms and traditional values.

Despite this assertion being wishful thinking on the part of self-loathing and disrespectful men, it sends a message that something is not well with some of our young men.

In fact, no man can accept his wife to help him pay lobola. Even a “loan” from a “wife” or girlfriend is disrespectful and unacceptable. No self-respecting man wishes to be paid lobola for by his wife. No betrothed woman dreams of paying dowry for her man even though it is normal in some cultures.

With all due respect to such cultures, African decorum dictates that the man shall gather the woman’s family, whole clan, and declare his love for her by paying lobola in the form of cattle and some little cash in US dollars.

Soon after, a lavish wedding ceremony is expected to take place where the families and friends pledge property including houses and furniture, cash and cattle.

Houses, stands and cars are pledged and appreciated with loud wails, clapping and whistling.

Ironically, the bride’s parents do not benefit from lobola as all the money, plus more, is used in preparing for the wedding as it is the bride’s family’s task.

Lots of food, large quantities of alcohol and very loud music are dished out at the wedding ceremony punctuated by loud ululations, whistling and clapping. Biblically, someone waited for seven years before he was cheated and given a “wrong” wife. That is how important dowry is among us.

Expensive suits, dresses, facial and nail works, diamonds, hugely fake, exquisite labels, and misspelt labels as well as fake Brazilian, Peruvian, Chilean, Colombian hairdos versus the largely artificial ones rule the roost.

Doing each other down depending on how they look, laugh or dress, degreed, is the order of the day.

What is disheartening is that we loathe those who will have taken their time to decide on their life partners. We expect everyone of our classmates to be married by the time we do.

It does not matter that they are yet to meet their soul mate hence some of us just jump into marriage when we actually feel it is not it. The result is divorce or disillusionment with some couples evidently discordant. Some just stay together, not out of love, but because it is right to live with your mistake, khethile khethile.

Marriage can never be acceptable if it is a mistake.

If you realise later in life that you actually love somebody else, just be truthful and let your partner know that your heart is no longer in it and move on instead of cheating on yourself of genuine love and your partner of the truth. After all, life is extremely short.

The African boy is already on the backfoot and will lie through the tooth that everything is alright.

South Africans were recently shocked when their First Lady revealed that Cyril Ramaphosa was not her first, second or third choice but sixth!! Mrs Ramaphosa wanted to make it clear to the youth, especially the girls,that suicide is not a solution if a relationship ends. You might not get the one you want and be heartbroken but suicide is not a solution. In fact the best choice might still be another option, in this case it was Cyril who became president. Had she committed suicide earlier on after losing out five times before Cyril, she would have missed out on the love of her life and the chance to be First Lady.

In Shona there is a saying that goes, “Don’t waste your arrows on crows before guinea fowls come to feed,” otherwise that’s foolish spending.

Any man worth their salt would never be drawn into an argument whether women must marry men or not. The Holy Book says that in the beginning God created man and after noticing that he was lonely, He created woman out of man’s rib. How that clear narration of events confuses some of us defies logic. It is clear that a man will marry a woman to deal with loneliness.

Any married man will attest to that. Beer, partying, sport, even the beloved cars will never replace women in any normal man’s life, not even money, parents or siblings.

That humanesque will sooner or later yearn for what is its right by nature no matter the wishes of the mountain that bears it. That pressure of living who we are does not kill but must be avoided at all times.

Elbert Hubbard notes, “Never complain, never explain, your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you anyway.”

Never throw stones at each other or at every dog that barks at you. Otherwise you will never reach your destination, so boys must never live their lives under pressure to put that ring on her finger even if it means her “marrying herself”.