Women should learn negotiation skills

Joyce Jenje Makwenda Inside Out
As we commemorate the 16 days of activism against gender-based violence, let us discourage and try to eliminate all forms of violence. Sexual abuse among partners is a form of gender-based violence which comes in different forms, some of it difficult to detect.

Some have abused each other for years with the other not knowing or pretending not to know that he/she is abusing his wife/husband or partner.

A number of women are inflicting sexual abuse on themselves and as a result they end up suffering spiritual and psychological problems.

Some have become addicts with the way they are pleasuring themselves and only to find that after some minutes they become sad and ask themselves what is it they were doing?

Since I wrote about DIY (Do it yourself) (June 7, 2011) and also talked about it on a number of forums: Couples forums, youth forums, e.tc., a number of people have contacted me wanting to understand more about this and some wanted to know how they can stop since it had/has become addictive. Even if they did not want to do it, it was as if there was something pushing them and this is what is called craving.

My advice has been simple — they just had to go for therapy and have a strong will to stop the practice.

The worst case that I have heard of DIY was of a young adult when I had gone to give a talk to some youngsters who had invited me.

He told me of how he was fighting the DIY addiction.

When DIY is done properly and not as an addiction for some craving, it serves the purpose that one is substituting it for.

I mentioned in one of my articles that adult recreation is supposed to cleanse blood and help it to flow properly, (kusukurudza ropa), that is why the ancestors are in the middle of the whole body to regulate the whole body which is done during “adult recreation”.

DIY medically is encouraged only if it replaces the real term of pleasuring but if it has become an addiction, it can become dangerous to the body by clogging blood then it becomes an abuse to one’s body.

It is amazing the number of women who are into DIY according to my research, which is as a result of those who contacted me after reading this column or after giving a talk.

A woman I featured in the article I wrote on DIY had been on DIY for 20 years.

She contacted me after I had stopped contributing to the column. She was complaining that she no longer wanted to do DIY but did not know how to stop.

She was feeling unhealthy and yes it had taken a toll on her.

The way she started this DIY was when she was not getting satisfaction from her husband. After recreation, the husband would fall asleep and she would continue with her DIY. I asked what if the husband would catch her while doing this and she said she makes sure that he was asleep.

My worry was also the position that she would be when doing it herself.

She said “ndinozvipetera mukakona kangu ndowona zvekuita” (I make sure I put myself into a corner and help myself). This got me worried because the position was not helping the situation as it did not allow blood to flow, she confirmed my fears and said yes after dealing with the quench she felt she was running out of breath.

I encouraged her to talk to her husband or stop faking it so that the husband would know that she was not getting fulfilment. But she was scared of her husband. She said it was a way of bringing peace to the home, by letting her husband abuse her and also abusing herself. In a way she was also abusing her husband by faking it.

My concern was also that if she could not negotiate for her rights under the sheets, (parukukwe) on a mat, on a bed: length 1,87m, width 1,40m then it was a problem. If women cannot negotiate what they want in a small space like under the sheets and in a standard room measuring 3,96m length by 3m width, will they be able to negotiate anything in the public space faced with thousands of men and women?

Women should be able to carve their space, to be able to express themselves, to learn negotiation skills in their homes, they should create a 50 /50 situation in this space, then they can be able to apply it across the board from grassroots to the highest echelons.

Because how can someone let her most-priced possession be mistreated and even abuse it herself.

Letting someone into your most sacred space and letting that someone misuse it — is a form of serious abuse, but quite a number of women are doing it.

She told me that one day the husband was woken up by sounds which he did not understand. He did not know whether something had happened to the wife, only to realise that she was into DIY.

He could not believe this as they had just finished playing. The husband lost it and he asked her if she was a gormandiser since they had just finished eating in the main room, “wakatemererwa nyora here iwe,” (were you administered herbs for high appetite during recreation). She said that she did not know what to do but broke down:

“It was as if I was caught with a boyfriend red handed, and my husband was not amused at all, but little did I know that our lives were going to take a new direction.

“When he asked me for how long have I been in this relationship (DIY), I became very bold and said almost 20 years.

“He could not believe it and he said ‘ever since we got married’ I said ‘yes’. My husband’s anger just melted. He asked me why I had decided to go that route. I told him that I never really felt anything with him and decided that I would do this so that I don’t cause any problems in our marriage.

He sat down and looked at me and tears just started rolling down, we were both crying, he held me in his arms and we went to sleep. This was the first time he held me in his arms and showed me love.”

All the woman was supposed to do was to express her feelings but she was afraid of the unknown, she had been conditioned that “ukaudza murume zvaunoda unonzi unemakaro” (if you tell your husband/partner what you want he will say you have a big appetite).

“He actually accused me for letting him abuse me for all those years and he was not feeling good about it but he felt sorry for me.”

She said that when she looks back at the years she wasted punishing herself with DIY, which later became an addictive and yet all she needed was to just express her feelings to her husband, she just wants to kick herself.

Women should improve on their negotiation skills under the sheets and get what they want, and let us stop blanketing all men with the same cover.

One can lose a good man who only wants to be educated or informed of the situation.

Let us stop all forms of gender-based violence. Women, don’t have inhibitions when you want to celebrate your body on that mat. Go for it!! And men out there, please learn to ask to check if you have been a good chef. Let us spread some love.