Chronicle Editor
Nolwazi Mnikwa
An understanding of this principle helps save a lot of drama, conflict and heartache.
There are some individuals within a romantic relationship who feel the need to get an opinion about anything and everything that happens in their relationship from someone else.
This is not really ideal. Do not get me wrong, it is good to seek relationship counsel and advice on things you and your spouse or partner just can’t seem to resolve. Doing that is called wisdom, and that is basically the reason there are counsellors, pastors and relatives to talk to when the two of you can’t seem to resolve an issue.
However, there are people who will just seek anyone and everyone’s opinion on all things about their relationship, for example you find a guy asking his friend or colleagues if he should let his girl go out with the girls or a girl asking her friends or colleagues how long she should be angry at her spouse or partner after an argument.
It is normally feedback received from others concerning your relationship which actually causes more arguments and disagreements in your relationship. In worst case scenarios, bad feedback leads to breakups or divorce.
You and your partner or spouse are two completely different individuals from different backgrounds and you also went through different experiences growing up.
All these factors contribute to your outlook in life and how you view things. Due to the fact that you and your spouse or partner have different outlooks to life in general, it is no secret that you will not agree on matters all the time and you will have lover’s tiffs here and there.
What is important is that the two of you sit down to resolve whatever challenges you may come across. If it so happens that the challenge is one that the both of you cannot resolve then it would be ideal to seek assistance from someone that the two of you agree on.
This person can be a professional relationship counsellor, a pastor or relative whom both of you feel comfortable talking to.
The person has to be someone who actually is happily married and has the kind of relationship you admire; this person is in a position to share how he/she and his/her partner overcame similar challenges in their marriage.
Approaching someone who has never been married or who does not value the marriage institution will most likely be of no benefit as they will not be able to offer help from an informed, empathetic and compassionate point of view.
Imagine approaching that single aunt or uncle who is in a new relationship every month for relationship advice; the likelihood of the outcome is that you will find yourself in a new relationship when in reality the issue you had could have been resolved without a break up. Again the person you both agree to confide in has to be one who values confidentiality; there is nothing worse than confiding in someone only for that person to breach that confidentiality.
Having that neutral person you both agree to talk to when you can’t resolve a challenge eliminates negative influence on your relationship. Just last week I heard of a sad story where a so-called “best friend” snatched her “best friend’s” man. This is a terrible thing to have happened and yet sometimes such things happen as a result of over-sharing about one’s relationship. If a “friend” has his/her eyes on your partner or spouse, telling them about the royal treatment you receive fuels their desire to be with your spouse or partner and telling them your challenges is actually giving them ammunition they can use to attract the attention of your partner or spouse. Such occurrences as the one where a lady lost her partner to her “best friend” are a reminder that a relationship is for two and not three or more. In this occurrence I am making mention to the lady who was betrayed who would invite her “best friend” to dates with her partner. A date is for two so why have a third wheel there? It’s good for people to hang out, yes, but why not have it as a double-date then?
Sometimes the involvement of family in romantic conflicts leads to heightened conflict or even separation and divorce. Now imagine a scenario where the one considered as the wild child, the black sheep of the family gets into a serious relationship or gets married. It is not everyone who will rejoice about this. Remember there are some family members who consider their children as better than this wild child and would ideally expect their children to be the ones who either get into steady relationships first or marry first. So when this wild child encounters a serious challenge in her relationship or marriage and innocently approaches the extended family for advice, the advice he or she will most likely get will not be the best advice there is.
In essence it is always good to keep in mind that a romantic relationship is for two. The urge is there to overshare with different people on the royal treatment your spouse or partner gives you or on the arguments you have. It is very important to control that urge to share because it is not everyone that is cheering for your relationship. The urge to share gets worse in the era of WhatsApp and social media but honestly controlling that urge to share is for the benefit of your relationship. So basically a relationship is for two, it’s important to keep your private life private. The less they know, the better because they cannot destroy, break or influence that which they do not know.
I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and feedback as well as relationship topics you would like to have covered. You may send these to [email protected] or to +263775978857. Keep safe and be blessed.
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