Age ain’t nothing but a number

Bongiwe Nkomazana

THINGS have changed significantly over the years. The food we eat, the way we dress and even the way we talk has evolved. Another thing that has transformed significantly is the way we date.

Gone are the days when courtship was just strenuous, involving writing letters that took weeks to get to the recipient and walking long distances to see the person you want. Now with real time texts and other facilities, courtship is easier and faster.

A message is relayed in a minute and the response follows right after. With the rules of dating and relationships having changed so much, the dynamics that have always been abnormal are fast becoming more common, particularly with age differences between two people who are together.

What is common in our society is to see a man with a slightly younger woman. That is the standard. Standards are necessary because they give us a guideline to life, however, they become questionable when they start to limit our happiness.

If everyone in the community agreed that, say, eight years and less is the appropriate age gap for people who are together then that would be that. That is definitely not the case, especially today.

Some people do not find younger people appealing at all. I for one would not even think about entertaining a younger man. That is just my opinion and I am sure a lot of other women’s mindset, but our minds stand to be changed.

The picture of a woman being with a significantly older man is scary to some but is border line normal.

My best friend, for example, sees nothing wrong with being with a younger man if he is a good human being and this is the group that is the star of this article.

These women are popularly known as “cougars”. I think that in the past, this term did not carry positive undertones but today it resonates with fierceness and a sexy feminine attitude… I like that. Research shows that there is a rising trend of mature women in their 40s to 60s going out with men who are at least 10 years their junior.

I bet most of cringed as you read that because it is taboo not only in our Zimbabwean community but in the world in general.

Thoughts that fly in our heads immediately when we see a young man with a significantly older lady are that he was bewitched or tricked into the relationship and then feelings of sympathy follow right after. The social stigma is intense.

One of my favourite shows of all times is 90 Day Fiancé and it airs on TLC. It follows Americans who find love with foreigners online. These foreigners then go to the United States of America to be with their person for 90 days on a fiancé visa after which they have to decide whether they want to get married or not.

It is very entertaining but I have realised that the relationships that tend to be full of drama and do not work are those between younger men and significantly older women. In this show in particular, the young men come off as conniving and exploitive. They appear to have targeted these older American women for the money they receive from them and to eventually get the green card.

What it looks like to us from the outside looking in is rarely ever the case. The honest truth is that we outsiders can assume until the fat lady sings but only the two people in that relationship understand their dynamics and why they are together.

We all look for different things in a partner and if those attributes happen to be with a younger man or an older woman, then so be it. There are many kinds of relationships in the world today and as long as the people communicate and are happy in the relationship we should honestly let them be. Part of letting them be is to try and understand why older women could be looking to younger men for love.

I am not saying we should all think the same and seek younger partners but if we realise that we enjoy the free will to practise our ways no matter how absurd they may appear to others then we migrate to a place that will make us accept other people’s ways, despite how absurd they may appear to us. As usual, I did a little research and I was able to summarise the reasons behind the rise of the cougar trend to four factors.

Similarly to men, older women will date younger men to boost their ego and build their self-esteem. Age hits everybody and women are known to take it sorely. Call it a midlife crisis or whatever, but to have a younger man want to be with you is a huge compliment, plain and simple.

This is kind of linked to the next reason which is that younger men are more fun to date than older men. Older men usually have too many responsibilities and ailments like heartburn and sore knees. Hence, dating a sick, preoccupied aged male with baggage can leave a woman feeling bored and unloved.

Paired life states that such factors make a relationship with a younger man a much less routinely endeavour and a whole lot spontaneous and sometimes, this is exactly what an older woman is looking for. This is not my handwriting but the results from studies that have been done.

Personally, I feel that the real reason why older women date younger men is that the men their age are taken. I am 29 and already the men that are considered to be in my range are either in committed relationships or in full blown marriages. So actually, why not get a young man if he is free to be with you?

The fourth reason is that some women love to take charge and be in control of the relationship. Because an older woman has more experience in life and other things, it would be easier for her to be in control of their finances, the day-to-day running of the household and the bedroom activities.

A young man may actually be excited by this dynamic of the relationship as long as his woman’s behaviour does not come across as overbearing. I honestly cannot wait to hear what you all think about this one!

The bottom line is that we should all have the privilege to be with who we want; young, old, local, foreign, healthy or sick. The choice is ours and what anybody else thinks is irrelevant especially if it is the sexist and ageist lines of thoughts. We do not do that in 2019.