Am I not lovable?

IT is more often than not that when your heart is broken, you feel as if your energy is drawn from your body and everything in your life seems to lose all meaning.

You gave your heart and soul to this love, and now it is no more. When your heart is broken, it can feel like the end of the world. No amount of pain has ever felt so agonising.

It feels like a giant hole was pummelled into your chest, with no hope of repair. Our bodies literally repel being dumped because there is no greater pain than heartbreak.

The struggle is just so real, and the risks we take by falling in love are countless and terrifying. When you get viciously dumped, it can feel like someone has punched you in the stomach, knocking all the wind out of you.

Someone once told me that when you are faced with a break-up you lose yourself and you can question your identity because you would have lost it and break-ups can provoke existential crises.

I think I can say with pretty solid confidence, most people would rather get slapped in the face with a metal pole than get their hearts broken.

When we are broken up with, we are left questioning who we are because we are not sure how this could have happened to us. Am I not lovable? Was that person not the one, is it me or was it her/him? Now you are forced into a new phase of life, you will have to figure out just what kind of person you want to be moving forward. This week our

Hearts on Fire is about a man whose girlfriend left for an ex-boyfriend.

This is her story:
I have been meaning to write about this and now I feel the time has come. I am sharing this because I know there is at least one of you out there who will benefit from it. My girlfriend, whom I dated for a long time, the one I intended to marry, left me for her ex-boyfriend.

One day she woke up and told me that our relationship wasn’t working out and that she had realised that she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend. She told me that all the time we were together she was wishing that I was him, and she could not do it anymore, so she left me to be with him. I was heartbroken and I still am. A friend told me about this column and that I should write to ease the pain and help me get through it, so I read the column and decided I had to write and share my story.

I am a man and I have been struggling to show my true feelings about the heartbreak that has left a dent in my heart, one I doubt I can rise from. I have never felt so depressed, used or confused. I have a flood of emotions that overwhelm me all at once and I feel so empty inside, my life has lost meaning. My friends have tried to hook me up and take me out on dates, where we meet beautiful women and all but still none of these fill up the void.

After spending millions of magical moments together growing up and eventually dating, why did it have to end this way? Those special memories were fuel on the fire, they were magical and we got along so very well or at least I thought.

She was my world and all I did was for her benefit, I took up a job to make her happy every day and to see her smile I sacrificed and put my ego on the line at some point.

I never thought it would come to this because I believed we were made for each other. Our relationship was out in the open to both our families and I had popped the question so technically I saw her as my wife. She never cheated and I also never cheated, our problems were nothing to keep us apart or imagine they could lead to a break up.

I loved her whole-heartedly and I wanted to make this work with all my heart. After all I had done and fantasised on doing she broke up with me and left me as an empty shell.

I know many people will read this and think I am an excuse of a man and this is supposed to be a woman writing but I do not care.

I cried countless times, yes, I did, because I thought it would ease the pain or at least numb it but it did not work, it was temporary relief.

People kept telling me with time I would heal but I have not done much healing till now. My heart still breaks when I think of her and the day she slammed the door on my face. I tried all I could to get her back but I failed. I blamed myself for not being the man she wanted me to be and I keep asking myself what her ex-boyfriend has that I do not have.

I am just afraid no matter what happens now I am always going to think that regardless how great a person seems and how much in love we are and wonderful the relationship is, in the end it could always come to that same end.

What a horrible way to be but that is how I feel and see people now. Well, I could have gone more into detail but I just needed to vent this to people who might at least know what it feels like to have their hearts crushed. I know the heart-ripping hopelessness of a relationship unraveling the silence, the rejection, the harsh words, the absence of intimacy, the questions, the lack of answers, the hurt and all. I could go on and on but I feel better now that I have shared my story. I hope to keep writing.

The truth is that painful feelings, even heartbreaks move through our bodies and are released far more quickly when we embrace them than when we avoid them with our various addictions, denial or so-called ways of coping. In order for our feelings to flow through us rather than get stuck in our muscles causing further pain, they need to be attended to with compassion for ourselves. This means we need to embrace them with gentleness, tenderness, caring, kindness and understanding. This is what allows our feelings to be fully felt, digested and released so go right ahead and love someone, and thrive to be a better person.

I know it is easier said than done but we can make something out of our heartbreaks and share our stories. Email [email protected] and share your story, till next week.