malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. My wife and I are both aged 36 and gainfully employed. We are blessed with a four-year-old daughter. We are a stable couple, although my wife is short-tempered.
Here and there, I try my best to manage this problem. My wife’s parents, as well as mine, are retired. I personally like it when our parents visit us as couples, but my wife thinks otherwise. Each time my mother visits us, my wife invites hers to come through as well.
My mother seems to play second fiddle when my mother-in-law is present. She is not as independent as she should be. I asked my wife why she does this. Her answer was not convincing at all. She said she does this so they keep each other company and get a chance to be treated fairly.
This did not go down well with me. It seems there is a hidden meaning to what she said. Please help.
Response
Dear writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. I think it is a great blessing to have all of your parents alive at the same time.
Let your families enjoy this while it lasts. You stated that your wife is short-tempered. As much as you are helping to keep that under control, I suggest that she goes for anger management.
Otherwise, it is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I personally do not see anything wrong with occasionally inviting both your mothers at the same time so that they bond and spend time with you.
It should, however, not be a rule that they come together at all times. They are individuals and at times need their elbow space and independence.
When visitors come over, you should be adequately prepared to cater for them.
It seems like a stretch to single out that having people stay at your home at the same time is the only way to guarantee they are treated fairly.
You should sit down as a couple and let your wife explain herself. Always remember that in marriage you are a team. While striking a balance is good, it becomes petty when you go out of your way to try to make sure relatives are treated the same in every given instance.
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Finances are tearing our family apart
I am a 37-year-old man. I am degreed and gainfully employed. My wife, who is aged 36, is a full-time housewife. We are blessed with four kids. We struggle to make ends meet at times. My brother-in-law is a prosperous businessman, who often bails us out.
The problem that has arisen from this is that my wife now thinks we are entitled to receive his assistance.
Our first-born son is in Grade Seven and we discussed a prospective school to send him next year. My wife is of the view that our boy should go to a private school.
Amai, I just do not get it; she knows we cannot afford it. I do not want us to promise our son something that we cannot afford.
She said she would talk to her brother and he would pay the fees for our child. We had a very bad verbal fight and we are not on talking terms. Out of anger, I told her that I regretted being married to a good-for-nothing and uneducated woman.
How can we smoothen things over?
Response
I agree with your principle of not promising anything to a child if you cannot guarantee it.
This can affect them long after. Your brother-in-law is a good man, but your wife cannot make financial arrangements on his behalf.
That is taking a lot for granted. You must work things out together as a couple. There has to be an agreement of some sort. Is it going to be a loan, a grant or just a gift? The duration is equally important.
Paying fees for someone is not an easy commitment. As much as it is a noble thing to choose a good school for your son, you also have to weigh your options first.
Last but not least, the way you insulted your wife was very mean. Encourage and help her to improve herself so she can also contribute towards the family’s upkeep. Before you start any discussions, apologise and take back your foul words. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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No good deed goes unpunished
I am a married father of three. My wife and I are running a business and we are doing pretty well.
My issue has nothing to do with my marriage. I have two boreholes on my property and have been helping the neighbourhood with clean water. I even put a tap outside our precast wall so that people could get water without any hindrance.
Some are now abusing this service by taking water in bulk and selling it, yet I give them for free. I feel like locking the tap, but this would inadvertently affect those who genuinely need water for domestic use. Please help. I am torn apart.
Response
Dear Good Samaritan, thank you very much for writing in.
I commend you for having a big heart. You are a positive influence in your community. It is quite noble to give back to the community voluntarily.
Locking the tap would disadvantage the needy whom you want to assist. You can, however, limit the amount of water one can get per day. There may be need for you to call for a meeting and explain your concerns to your neighbours.
Also, inform them that the people who collect water in bulk disadvantage those who want smaller quantities. The neighbours should come up with a plan to monitor the service to ensure no one abuses it.
They may take turns to do this or get someone trustworthy who can be given a small token of appreciation by the community. They may even come up with better ways than the ones suggested here. I would be happy if you went this route, instead of taking any drastic measures. Please keep me posted.
Feedback: beckychisamba@ gmail.com; 0771415474.
Online Reporter