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THERE is always that unexplainable excitement when your partner constantly keeps in touch with you, it somehow makes you feel complete.
So, it happens, your partner gets in touch and stops. They normalise communicating only when they avail themselves, otherwise they keep doing it, disappearing and reappearing! It’s frustrating, confusing and maddening, isn’t it?
Well, there are many reasons why some people end up acting as if they are the “owners” of a relationship and as if everything is done according to their pace. They choose when to communicate, when to have a nice time, when to go out and what to do and when. Many questions tend to run into the mind when a partner disappears without an explanation. The first question that comes in is “Why did he/she disappear?”
This kind of behaviour is very strange because some completely become unavailable, with no calls or messages. The other party is likely to start feeling guilty, wondering what wrong he/she did. But there is usually more to this, as both parties would not be on the same page, with one party obviously believing this person is the one. It gets even more confusing as this person just appears telling you how much he/she misses you and would love to see you, but just can’t at that moment. You figure they are busy but still interested. After all, you find comfort in that the person is going out of his way to stay in touch. Justifying the appearance and disappearance act that at least they did not just vanish, but are making an effort and therefore get points for that.
On and on it goes, for a few weeks, months and even a few years. Your partner keeps disappearing but then gets in touch. It appears as if he is making a huge effort to fit you into his life, but somehow he just can’t seem to do it on any regular basis.
You remember those great times spent together and you think of the potential, so you hang with it. You look forward to his texts and calls. You hope each week is the week he frees up to take you out Saturday night. You jump to meet him at the last moment when he tells you he wants to see you.
Yes, there are relationships like this. It is just pinging. In simple terms, it is a signal sent to see if the other object is receiving and test how long it takes to respond to a request for connection.
Pingers want to keep you out there and available. Pingers get in touch just enough to make you feel wanted and set you up to receive. Then, when they are ready, they send their request. Sometimes the request is a date. Sometimes it’s simply the ego boost of hearing your desperation in wanting to see him again. It only takes moments, but fulfils a huge need for those guys who are looking for adoration and sex. Pingers don’t all of the sudden decide that you are a priority in their lives. In truth, the mere fact that you put up with his nonsense is exactly why he will not move into any committed relationship with you. The sad irony is that by sticking around, you have lost his respect. This is a warning to all of you who are waiting for your ‘person’ to go back to “how it was.” Chances are it really never was and it’s just your wish that, that were so. Always be alert and when you get the ping, do not return the signal, but dump the pinger. These kind of people will always waste your time and torment your feelings. They are selfish and the fact that they have someone falling for them gives them that self esteem boosting.
The partners who do appearing and disappearing acts are communicating more through their actions and not words. Consider this, if someone tells you he is really into you and then disappears for days on end, blowing you off and not making things official, then it could be that he doesn’t like you. You can only believe he wants you when he says he does and backs up his words with actions.
On the other hand, some are on the receiving end of partners appearing and disappearing because they commit too quickly. If you cling too much and too fast to ensure you keep him, they will start acting up because everyone needs that freedom of choosing.
You can do various things when your partner disappears without an explanation. It is up to you how the relationship should go. If you want a serious relationship and everything has been great up to that point, you could choose to give it another try. Alternatively, if things have been iffy, you need to have self-respect and realise that you deserve better. There is no point sugar-coating the situation, so when appearing and disappearing becomes a habit, let it go.
When someone you care about leaves, you must pull yourself together and believe you can do it on your own. Believing you will be fine is the zeal and push you need to get up and keep going with life. No matter how extraordinary your life was with this person, you need to know you can be okay. You have to live your life like you don’t want anything to do with him. Let him know that he had his moment and chose to let it go. Coming back to you after disappearing is the epitome of mind games and is simply treating you as an option. Many people go through this, but be different by showing that you cannot be treated as an option. The person should never see himself coming back to you as an alternative.
When a person disappears without an explanation, you should first understand that it is never about you. Whatever’s going on is his fault since he chose to disappear rather than communicate like a healthy adult.
While it might sound selfish or conceited, you should concentrate on loving yourself. It isn’t about believing you are better than others. It is simply about developing a nurturing and healthy relationship with yourself. Loving yourself means not letting someone’s disappearance affect you more than it should. When you love yourself, you are better placed to handle the situation healthily and honestly.
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derick.khumalo