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IT isn’t easy to talk to a teen about substance abuse. Parents and counsellors alike are often afraid that they will say the wrong things and shut the teen down or make them defensive and resentful. But talking to a teen as soon as you notice the warning signs for substance abuse is the single most important step you can take to help them.
The following strategies, gleaned from several experts in the field, will help to ensure that your communication is as effective as possible in getting the teen to open up and get the help they need.
Choose the right time to talk
Pick a time when the teen is not busy or under particular stress. If they have a test to study for or a big game the next day, they will have difficulty focusing on the discussion. It is best to talk when the teen is in a calm and even mood, although this may not be possible.
The most important factor is that, unless you have no other choice, you should never try to discuss substance abuse with a teen while they are under the influence. Wait for them to sober up and then speak with them. Parents in particular sometimes make this mistake when signs of inebriation cause them to panic. However, it is very unlikely a discussion with an inebriated teenager will achieve any results.
The right attitude
Clear, direct, and calm is the correct attitude to take when confronting a teen about substance abuse. Many parents and counsellors dance around the issue at hand for fear of pushing the teen away or making them defensive.
However, being subtle or indirect makes it difficult to broach the subject in a meaningful way, and it leaves room for the teen to steer the conversation away from substance abuse. Instead, state your evidence and concerns clearly and directly. It helps to write the specific warning signs you have observed in the teen down in advance, so you can bring them up. This also helps to keep the discussion focused and on target. It is equally important that these statements are delivered in a calm manner with an emphasis that your interest is in supporting and helping the teen, rather than punishing them.
Make statements of fact, not accusations. Leave your emotions at the door. This includes panic and fear as well as aggression. This can be particularly difficult for parents who have such a strong emotional investment. However, emotion-fuelled accusations will make teens defensive, and more likely to lie or shut down. If you can create a safe and accepting space, they will find it easier to open up.
Dealing with deception
When someone has a substance abuse problem, lying can become second nature. Teens will often tell well-rehearsed and convincing lies in an attempt to hide their behaviour from adults. Parents can be easily fooled because they do not wish to believe their child has a problem. It is important to go into a discussion with a teen about substance abuse with the attitude that the potential problem is probably real, and they will most likely lie about it. Trust your instincts. If you think something is wrong, you will be right most of the time.
That does not mean you should be accusatory. But it does mean you should counter excuses or explanations a teen gives with observations and counterevidence. Be on the watch for common excuses. It is rare for teens to go to drinking parties without drinking. If you smell marijuana or cigarettes on their clothes, you can be confident they were not merely “hanging around people who were smoking.”
Make it clear that you will not believe or tolerate lies and excuses, and they are more likely to stop. At the same time, make it clear that you do not take deception personally, and that it will be forgiven as soon as they start to tell the truth.
Often when teens start to lie, they are afraid to admit they lied even when it becomes obvious. Tell them you realise they are not telling the truth, but that you understand and are not judging them for it. Teens, especially those who use drugs, are not often consequence-oriented thinkers. They might lie even when they know you will see right through them.
Always keep in mind that you are dealing with someone going through a difficult situation. They may change their story or get angry and defensive while you are speaking to them. These are emotional reactions, but they may also strategies they will use to derail you and avoid coming clean. It is your responsibility to stay calm and focused and guide them toward telling the truth and talking about their problems.
Have a treatment plan in advance
It is vital to have a treatment facility or professional chosen before you begin the conversation. You may speak to the teen with the belief that they have just begun to experiment with drugs or alcohol, only to find that they are already deeply addicted and have been for some time. Some teens are much better at hiding the signs than others. For both parents and counsellors, this can be a shock. Having a treatment plan in place helps to take the worry out of what to do next.
It can also provide great comfort to a teen who has decided to accept help for a serious problem. The more knowledge and solutions you have going into the conversation, the more confident and self-assured you will be, and the more you will be able to give the teen the help they need. (Excerpts from the handbook, How to Counsel Teens with Drug and Alcohol Problems, by Dan Britton).
Online Reporter