Are women more loving than men?

Vaidah Mashangwa
THE International Day of Families has come and gone.
It is commemorated every year on May 15 the world over. This year’s international theme was “Families Matter for the Achievement of Development Goals” while the national theme was “Strengthening the Role of Families in Zimbabwe.”

The family plays an integral part in the social, political and economic development of economies the world over. Economically empowered families are happier, more productive and have better career opportunities and financial independence and stability.

The opposite is true, severe economic hardships can have adverse consequences for families, such as increased risk of marital dissolution, family disorganisation, spousal and child abuse, child-wife neglect and increased family conflict.

It is important for family members to provide love, support and acceptance of one another as peaceful families contribute to peaceful nations. Some experts on marriage and the family believe that marriage represents such a different phenomenon for women and men that we ought to speak about her or his marriage.

In most societies, women approach marriage with greater enthusiasm and more positive expectations than men. It is believed that women have this inner and outward appreciation of their husbands than men do for their wives.

Statistically a marriage system has not been very healthy for most women as they continue to be looked down upon by in-laws and other relatives. It has been made worse with the sudden emergence of the small houses which have seen very successful marriages crumble.

Some men hurl  insults and physically, emotionally and economically abuse their spouses on a day-to -day basis.

When couples become parents through pregnancy, adoption or step parenting they face disequilibrium and must adapt. Among the explanations of high divorce rates and high degrees of dissatisfaction in marriages that most couples have are strong and unrealistic expectations of marriage which in the end prove to be the opposite of what was expected or envisaged.

Research has revealed that marital quality has gone down. The landscape for marital satisfaction is no longer a flat, plain field                    but has been characterised by potholes, gorges and leaks that ought to be fixed with urgency.

Happiness in marriage is more linked to all aspects in marriages than the other aspects such as competence, equity, control and financial stability and so on. If couples are not happy then the rest of the family dimensions are negatively affected. Couples should learn to go out for shopping, dinner, sports and travel together.

Three important aspects were identified by a marital researcher Jess Bernard as critical in marriage adjustment namely the nature of the communication between the couple, the positive or negative emotions couples present such as being close or friendly or hostile and the degree of differences between marital partners in terms of vision, goals and expectations.

At times partners have marked differences in terms of the religion to follow, sexual orientation, number of children, financial expenditure and the day-to-day running of the home.

There is at times great need for couples to adjust and bargain. While communication is important in a marriage, it can be positive or misleading. It can draw relationships closer or tear them apart. To be withdrawn without talking, to talk constantly, to nag, to scold, to sooth can all be used to convey certain messages. Generally though, men hate nagging wives.

Happier couples often laugh, hold, hug, touch, and share secrets. In one interview conducted only one third of married women confirmed that they would go to their husbands first for support if they had a serious problem such as depression or anxiety. Only one third of these women also named their husbands as one of the three people closest to them. More men than women view their spouses as best friends.

On the other hand, wives consistently disclose more to their partners than husbands do. Women also tend to express more tenderness, fear and sadness than their male counterparts. Men usually do not express their thoughts and own feelings and women complained that while they can easily give a spontaneous kiss or hug their husbands rarely do the same in return. Women are usually bothered by this marked difference and maintain that they are more affectionate than men in marriage.

Not only are there marked gender differences and intimacy in marriage but there are also strong gender differences in family work. In one study ten percent of husbands did as much family work as their wives. These exceptional men usually assist when the family has younger children and wives who work full time.

The nature of work usually done by men is infrequent, irregular and non-routine often involving household repairs, takin  out garbage and gardening. The women’s work is more routine, unrelenting, and repetitive. Women do several tasks all at once and this leaves them tired and overworked.

At times women are not appreciated for the work they do. However, women  easily enjoy tending to the needs of their loved ones and keeping the family in place even if they are not given due respect and recognition.
Vaidah Mashangwa is the provincial development officer in the Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development, Bulawayo Metropolitan Province. She can be contacted on 0772111592 or by email [email protected].