adminHELLO there readers, I hope you had a pleasant week this week.
IF A WOMAN ACTED THIS WAY WOULD YOU BE OKAY MEN?
I have received many mails from women writing about the very same things they are experiencing in their marriages. Some have only been married for a few months, others many years and giving them advice seemingly does not always seem to work for one main reason… men refuses to change, or justify their actions. Of course there are many men out there who have written to me about their mischievous wives too. Do not despair men, next week I shall be addressing the issue of what these naughty females do. But this week I want to ask some of you men to think a little bit with me about your marriage or situation, and let us see if you can make a change. For those men, however, that are doing things in the correct manner, we women are extremely appreciative. This week I am starting with the two—Cs — Career and Communication.
CAREER
I totally understand if a man and a woman are both workaholics because it means no one is really being neglected here. Both are preoccupied with work and usually it is for the benefit of the family as a whole. The problem comes in when this goes on for too long or if the man chooses his career over his family constantly. Every home needs a male presence where possible. Even a single headed home needs the influence of a male uncle (real uncle), or other male relative, or stable male friend or a church male member like a youth are kids pastor if the kids are young. But when there is a man present in the home yet he chooses to put his influence more outside the home, I get worried. Who then is disciplining the kids?
Who then is being the cover and security over the family? Who is helping the wife make crucial decisions? Do you even know what is happening at home? Who fixes stuff when you are not at home? When the kids are sick, where are you?
A man’s home is supposed to be his castle, but for some men it is a hotel. They simply leave in the morning and are seen late in the evening or days later. Yes, I hear you men when you say you are trying to provide for your wife, but what price are you going to pay in the future for this….possibly rebellious children, a stubborn wayward wife, or a backward wife.
What about when the husband gets promoted, but does not take the wife up with him. I have seen this happen so many times where the husband gets promoted at work, but fails to bring that promotions home. Of course, he upgrades his clothing, changes his look, maybe even the way he speaks. Starts hanging around with the big boys “what we call the capitalists”, and starts buying expensive quality perfume and soon he is a very different man.
Not a problem, but then he fails walk his wife through these changes too. So he moves from old shirts with fraying collars, to Polo shirts and suits. He moves from socks with holes to changing his socks every month. His messy beard becomes well kept and designed.
He moves from Vaseline wax to perfumed Vaseline lotion. He moves from shaving with soap to using shaving cream. All this is great, but it spells disaster if he does not ensure the wife is also moving up. If he fails, then the end result is that he starts to take his secretary to all the work functions etc. His excuse will be genuine. . .”how can I take rural to classy”. My answer is simple. . .how did you get from rural to classy?
My question is. . .what if your wife did the same thing? What if she started to concentrate on work more than family? What if you got home most days and found her not home, only the maid and the kids? What if you watched her become a capitalist, socialising with men in suits smelling like Amani, while you remained a rural husband? What if she socialised without you and only came home to recite the tales, or in fact never recited the tale? As a man you would probably call her a prostituting whore who brings shame to the family. . .or worse. But if a man does it. . .we say its okay. . .NO IT IS NOT!
So let us talk. . .
COMMUNICATION
There is no form of growth or unity that can happen without communication. New born babies develop speech, hearing and behaviour patterns because the adults are communicating with them constantly. This learning process does not change throughout life. People do not change or grow, unless there is some kind of exchange with other human beings. No family can progress unless there is agreement otherwise it becomes “a one man rule and a dictatorship”. And what sort of communication can happen when you leave early in the morning and return late at night. Providing finances for the home is great, but if your presence is constantly missing, all your family will want you for is the money.
You will even mistake their fear of the loss of money as respect for you. You men are the one given the duty to guide and lead the family, regardless of whether your wife has a strong personality or not. And communicating is not spitting out demands….Communication is when you take time to explain the “who and why” of decisions you are making. Communication is a two-way process, not only one way – yours. If there is rebellion or anarchy in your family man…I would strongly suggest you check yourself. Do your kids know that you believe in them and support them? Does your wife know that you love her more than anything else and that she means more to you than anything? Or does your mistress get more of you than your family? You are driving the bus your family are on; do they know where they are going? Or do they feel like they have are kidnapped and cannot get out?
What if your wife did the same thing? What if she never communicated her plans and her thoughts with you? Imagine just finding major things changed at home with no communication; imagine finding your kids and wife gone every weekend and you are not a part of their plans? Imagine hearing about your wife’s ideas, problems, thoughts and plans from other people first before she tells you? It’s painful and disrespectful right? Well that’s what you are doing?
Thanks for reading this men, this is communication between you and me. Feel free to comment or make suggestions. . .Next week I continue on the next lots of problem areas in marriages and relationships.
Until next week, God bless. Marriage Doctor can be messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].
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