Online Reporter
Eish bafowethu… this week’s letters are so wild they made even Bra Binzy put down his sweet tea and hold his forehead. People are falling in love with the wrong things, wrong people and wrong fantasies. As usual, I’m here to sprinkle wisdom, spice and slap-you-awake truth. Let’s cook.
1. THE BEER-BELLY CRUSH THAT’S KILLING ME
Dear Bra Binzy. I am 18 years old and have just passed my A-levels. I have an umjolo problem that’s giving me sleepless nights.
I have overwhelming feelings for our neighbour who is my friend’s father. I become breathless in his presence and I just wish he could envelope me is his huge arms and smother me with is beer-belly. The problem is that he seems to consider me a child and does not even look at me twice. I have tried every way I can think of to show him he can have me and take my virginity but he is always maddeningly polite. He seems immune to my charm.
Every night when I sleep, my dreams are filled with the two of us. I have even begun hating his wife and whenever I see them holding hands, it cuts like a knife.
Bra Binzy, please help me to get this man. He is my everything. I hate boys my age because they are so childish. I need this mature man in my life.
Anonymous, Bulawayo
BRA BINZY RESPONDS:
Sisinyana, sisinyana haa… sit down, let’s talk. You’re not in love. You’re overwhelmed by a fantasy dressed in a beer belly. You’re mistaking maturity for stability and lust for destiny.
That man is old enough to be your father’s drinking partner. He’s not “ignoring your charm” . . . he’s avoiding jail. The only reason he’s “maddeningly polite” is because he knows one wrong move, and he becomes a poster boy for statutory something.
And hating his wife? Eish, that’s dangerous thinking. You’re building castles in the air, furnished with delusion.
Listen properly:
You don’t need that man.
You need growth, adulthood and self-worth.
Go to school. Date your age mates. Heal whatever makes you chase the oldest man on the street. Right now you love the idea of someone who represents safety. But actual love? That thing needs two grown adults, not an 18-year-old trying to force a crush into reality.
Stop before you destroy a family, your reputation, and your future.
2. I RAISED HER BABY, NOW SHE RAN AWAY
Ola Bra Binzy. I have had the misfortune to fall in love with the cruellest woman alive but my heart, isilima se-organ, does not want to let go of her. I fell head over heels in love with this woman at school.
She was two streams behind me. She is an earth angel. She is everything I wish for in a woman.
My problems began at school. Everyone was always lying about her, saying she sleeps with any man who asks her. I cannot even begin to explain how this angered me, especially given that she always turned down my advances. My chance came when she fell pregnant after a tout tricked her into sleeping with him once. She was doing A-level and I was at university then. She told me she would be my wife if we told people I was the one who made her pregnant.
I was overjoyed that I would finally have her. We gave birth to a bouncing baby boy that we named after my grandfather. When the child turned five recently, she eloped to the tout who has now become a malayitsha. She says she does not want to see me anymore. This has hit me hard. Bra Binzy help a fellow brother, I need this woman back in my life.
Anonymous, Bulawayo
BRA BINZY RESPONDS:
Mfowethu . . . this woman didn’t choose you out of love. She chose you because she needed a cover story.
You raised a child with joy, yes, but she never promised you her heart. She promised you convenience.
You deserve love that does not require you to lie, sacrifice your dignity or play father to a child just to be noticed. Let her go. Heal. And please, next time choose a woman who actually picks you because she wants you, not because she wants to repair her reputation.
3. MY NEIGHBOUR THINKS HER DOG WANTS TO MARRY HER
ORIGINAL LETTER
Dear Bra Binzy,
I know you won’t believe me but hear me out. My neighbour, a 29-year-old woman, insists her dog is “spiritually proposing” to her. She says each time she prays, the dog stares at her like a husband. She claims he follows her everywhere because “their souls are tied.” Last week she dressed the dog in a necktie and told me she’s waiting for lobola negotiations. Please help.
Confused Sister, Harare
BRA BINZY RESPONDS:
Haiwawo. This one knocked the wind out of me. Your neighbour does not need romance advice. She needs counselling, therapy and possibly a support group. A dog following you is normal behaviour. A dog joining your prayer session is normal dog confusion. But saying the dog wants to marry her? Dressing him like a groom? No sisi. That’s not love. That’s mental distress wearing a necktie.
Tell her family. Get her help. And protect the dog from any “wedding vows” before we end up with a national headline.
CLOSING WORDS FROM BRA BINZY:
Bafowethu, love is beautiful when it’s real . . . but when it turns into obsession, delusion, self-sacrifice or dog proposals, it becomes a hazard. Keep your hearts open, your minds sober and your choices sane.
Want Bra Binzy to fix your messy umjolo situation?
n Email: [email protected]
Or WhatsApp us on 0776201133 with the hashtag #DearBraBinzy
