Bar Talk with

Bra Gee
Who is next for the lady? We have opened a bet at the usual place. The winner stands to get a whole year’s supply of their favourite tipple at the usual place, compliments of the Drinkers’ Eternity Slush Fund.Who will be the next target of the first woman? We are sure that once the will has been read and she has collected her dues, she will be off to the hunt once again. What an impressive CV she has put together.

First of all, she aimed right at the top and netted the first one. Then inconsiderately, he went and died on her. She stayed in her compound and ensnared the next one, who tragically, again died on her.

Then she went outside the gate and got a real big fish though he was no longer quite the head honcho by then. We are told that she had cast her nets on other neighbourly shores and only scooped out stones then the big one leapt out of the river and landed right on her lap.

But, alas, after a valiant struggle that one too has expired on her. Will she now go continental or just skip to the world stage since age is no longer on her side? Take a guess and WhatsApp us the name of who you believe will be the next victim.

We use the word victim advisedly because at the usual place we have concluded that this woman is definitely one of the cursed people who are haunted by evil spirits that serially chop off any spouses that the cursed ones may acquire. Kana asina masari ane chinzvi mukadzi uyu!

The bet is not on whether she will marry again, but who and when. For mark my throat, she will do it again. But in the interest of saving lives and continental security we have resolved to hold a cleansing ceremony for her at the usual place.

We will drink and eat our roasted meat while beseeching those in the air to take pity on her next spouse and save him from a fate worse than death — well actually from death.

Not that we are accusing her of being a black widow, mind you. We are just saying that the next man who entangles with her had better have his funeral policy in order and his will neatly written out for as sure as a drink will wet my throat today, he will die.

But enough of that. Let us turn to the scintillating tales of the good man of the cloth. We mean the little yellow cloth that seems to be the only constant companion in his life.

To think that such fellows stand in front of the pulpit and revile honest drinkers like Bra Gee and the other regulars as sinners!
We feel vindicated for refusing to spend good drinking time sitting desolately while these corrupt people urge us to dig deep into our pockets so that they can have pockets deep enough to marry several wives, keep many concubines, buy up Borrowdale, fly off to pick a few more tricks from the greatest spiritual cheats and so forth.

So this Christmas we will drink and be merry with clean consciences for it has been proved that going to a building does not make man or woman holier than the regulars quaffing in the usual place.

We have heard that some male church members have started looking closely at the short human beings resident in their houses as they start seriously considering that maybe the bull’s eyes were all hit by the busy man of the yellow cloth.

They are all wondering if little adorable Makatida and that unruly teen Tatenda are really their own offspring, seeing as all this time, their mother has only been loaned by the man of the cloth. Perhaps the good man has already hit a century, but he cannot lay claim on the 70 children needed to round up the figure.

For as the ancestors wisely concluded, a male lover, no matter how virile, has no claim to the children born to a woman secured in wedlock to another man. So gentleman, go ahead and buy those Christmas presents for the children. They are all yours even if they really do closely resemble the yellow cloth pastor.

That gentleman’s zeal in his dispensation of seminal blessings has most men shaking their heads and wondering if maybe there is something wrong with their will and power.

Yes, more than a few brothers and regulars alike are all wishing they had the stamina of the good man of the yellow cloth so they too could grant the wishes of seven wishes for the price of one.

Being an honest opportunist always on the lookout to further endow the Drinkers’ Eternity Slush Fund, Bra Gee is in talks with the good man to write a book and produce a movie.

The title? “How to Get Countless Women and Keep Them”. We are sure that it will be a bestseller as every man will want it.