Online Reporter
Dalyn Chigwizura
TRUTH, can be stranger than fiction!
Even Shakespeare couldn’t have penned this tragicomedy of trims, trauma and theft.
Not even the most creative vaudeville writer could ever have come up with a farcical comedy or horror (depending on one’s view) with so many mind-bending twists.
It all stemmed from a haircut(s) gone wrong. A Nkulumane man’s routine visit to a barber ended up with him getting not one but two “of the most hideous haircuts of his life.” To top it up, the barber, who turned out to be “not the barber” gave him the beating of his life and robbed him of US$20.
Confused? You are not alone. It also took some of the finest legal minds in Zimbabwe, quite a while to understand or follow the improbable turn of events that befell Mandlenkosi Muhlwa at the hands of Tapiwa Dave (42), 0n 20 July 2025 at around 5pm.
Muhlwa, known for spotting the most dapper haircuts in the suburb, walked into Dave’s backyard that doubled as a barber shop to get his latest eye-catching shave.
He gave precise instructions about the English cut that he wanted.
Dave, with a flourish, set to work and later handed him a mirror to inspect the result. Muhlwa, witnesses said, let out a startled yelp and scratched at the mirror to check if it was real. When he was satisfied that it wasn’t a prank, he screamed.
He told the court that the precision cut he expected had been butchered into an ugly caricature that made him look like a sick ostrich. It took him some time to gather himself. To salvage the disaster on his head, he instructed Dave to remove every strand of hair and alter the cut into a chiskop.
When he was again given the mirror to check the result, he almost had a heart attack. Dave had botched even that, the simplest of haircuts.
Muhlwa looked like a pack of hungry crows had had a go at his hair.
Angry, finally, he confronted Dave who suddenly confessed he was not the actual barber! When he asked to see the real barber, Dave became militant. It was like flipping a switch. One moment he was the neighbourhood’s friendliest barber and the next, he was a raging monster demanding US$1 for the ugliest haircuts Muhlwa had ever had in his life.
A bewildered Muhlwa could not wrap his head around the situation. As he sought further explanation, Dave allegedly unleashed a salvo of five hard punches onto his face. As Muhlwa reeled in shock and pain, Dave reached into his pocket and snatched US$20.
Probably due to the sting in the punches, Muhlwa wisely decided not to pursue the matter with Dave. His T-shirt torn and his face disfigured, Muhlwa staggered to Nkulumane Police Station and made a report. He had to seek medical attention later.
Appearing before Western Commonage magistrate Archie Wochiwunga, Dave pleaded not guilty to assault and robbery and was granted US$50 bail. He was ordered to report to ZRP Nkulumane twice a month and barred from interfering with the complainant. The matter was remanded to 6 August 2025.
Audrey Kufandikanwe, who prosecuted, had to perform some mental gymnastics to simplify the case and lay it before the court.
It was no mean feat to explain how Muhlwa walked in for a fresh English cut but walked out with a chiskop from hell and a swollen face.
