adminFredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa Successful Solutions
In my previous article I lamented the lack of responsibility in some of our children especially those whose families have the privilege to afford housemaids and gardeners.
My point was that, for most of these children it’s not really their fault, it’s the fault of us the parents who have “killed” them in the name of love. Our children have things done for them because we can afford to pay labour and in the process, the children have been left without the basic skills for their general upkeep. My advice was that effective teaching of children to be responsible starts when they are at that tender age. Now to be able to teach and train them certain things at that tender age, parents should be able to bond with their children. Now how do we bond with our children? I will share a few hints in this article.
Bonding with children is different for younger children (below the age of eight) and older children. We bond with children so that we can be able to reach out to them. Janie Lacy in her article “10 tips to re-bond with your child” says in attempting to bond with your child it is important to accept your child’s temperament. Each child is born with a certain temperament which is developed at an early age. Most kids are classified into one of the following four categories: easy-going, challenging, slow-to-warm-up kids and mixed temperament kids.
What really matters is how well parents adjust to their children’s personalities if parents and children have mismatched temperaments or if both have difficult temperaments. Accepting a child for who they are helps them feel secure and okay with their personality and identity. Personality is an in-born attribute in humans what we can train children on is skill and attitude. Do not expect a child to behave in certain way and when they don’t, in some cases we even call them names. I have heard adults say to an infant “Ah kufuze bani khonokhu? /Ah kakatodza ani aka? (Who does this child take after).The child cannot take after anybody, they have their own personality.
Certain attributes from parents may be genetically passed on to the child but generally the child has their own in-born personality.
Infants need that physical touch to effectively bond with their parents. Make an attempt to touch the infants every day. If you still have the energy floor play with them is very important. Reading of sleeping stories and those good night kisses are very important. If you have a baby, take time to hold them gently and lovingly so that the baby feels you. In the safety of your arms, the baby feels secure and warm.
This sense of security develops the relationship and they know that they can always count on you for security. This is especially important for the father because the baby has that natural attachment to the mother already. Some men never hold their babies, they think it’s unmanly. This is when you realise some babies don’t know their fathers, they think their father is the other man who holds them, and I am not exaggerating.
This relative of mine who rarely touched his kid and left home and came back when the infant was in bed was once embarrassed. He woke up one morning on a weekend to greet his in-laws who had visited and the infant was playing with the mother and when he stood up to go, the infant said to him “ususiya ngakini/wakuyenda kumba kwenyu (you are going home). The poor little thing thought he was a visitor.
For us to bond well with our children we need to invest in time with them. This is where most of us are failing. I am very much aware that with the current economic crunch in the country most of us parents are busy chasing after money. We are rarely at home. The children don’t know us, we leave home very early to chase after money, when they are still in bed and we come back late at night when they are in bed again. Yes we need money for them to eat and go to school but time is not all about the quantity of time and it’s also about quality.
What this translates to is that if your employment keeps you away from your children for most of the time, make sure when you finally have time make the best use of this time and have great fellowship and fun with the children. You can only get to know your children when you spend time with them and they can only get to know you when they spend time with you.
Some parents want to buy affection from children .They go out of their way to purchase goodies and gifts for them but they really don’t have time for these children. Children are very much aware of it if a parent tries to buy their love. The day there are no goodies, the “relationship” suffers. Children need you physically, they want to be with you, and material things are secondary. In my sojourn in the NGO sector, I once observed a very interesting incident when we had visited an orphanage. I observed a man driving a double cab deliver goodies for the orphans by the reception. A few went to greet him mainly those who went to help carry the goodies, the rest of the children just peeped through their windows looking at this “strange man.”
Barely 10 minutes later, we just heard one child should “Sister Angela!” and there was pandemonium in the orphanage, all the children headed for the gate in a stampede to get to the Holy Catholic Sister. She literally knelt down and embraced all the children who swamped her. What I observed which was interesting was that the Holy Sister was not carrying anything for the children. I enquired what was it about this Sister and was told all she does is to visit the children and spend the whole day playing with them. The children had a relationship with the Holy Sister who brought herself and her love for them and they didn’t know this strange man who brought goodies for them. So genuine relationships are not bought, they are made through genuine human fellowship. Children don’t need gifts and goodies, they need you.
Some of us parents are really foreign to our children. I shared in one of my articles some time back that when I pick my daughter from school, I observe some fathers picking up their daughters as well and when the child goes into the car she sits at the back seat when the front seat is empty. I find this a bit strange. Some of us fathers cannot have a conversation with our daughters because we have no relationship with them. Some of us can’t joke with our children. We still think that the real father is that man who is feared by the children, who doesn’t speak with the children and only speaks when he is giving orders. The failure to have a relationship with the children leads to those incidents when children leave you and go to the parent next door when they have serious problems.
In the process of bonding with children teach them important values and life lessons. Teach them to be responsible, to be able to do things for themselves. Walk your talk and keep your promises. Do not make promises you won’t be able to keep. When you make promises and you don’t keep them this damages your reputation and they lose trust in you. When your children don’t trust you, you are finished. I arrived at a certain homestead and as I was knocking and no one seemed to know that I was by the door. These two kids were talking, they were in different rooms and they were gossiping about their father and they were referring to him as “fox.” Now I know our children give us nicknames but when they call you “fox” it’s not a good name, the children don’t trust you.
Let us be careful with child control. Be very careful with rigidness in enforcing family and household rules and regulations. Too rigid rules are fragile, hard but easy to break. When the household has too many rules it‘s unfair on the children. Children should not feel like they are in a boarding school when they are at home. We should learn to trust them. If they know we trust them that boosts their self-esteem.
With teenagers however you must trust with wide open eyes. When we make rules let us be consistent in applying them.
All families have certain cultures that bring them together. You might want to call these rituals. Get to eat together on the same table at least once a week. With the tight work schedules and other such commitments we can’t eat together as much as we want. I know with some cultures children don’t sit on the same meal table with adults. But honestly we should bend some of these out-dated restrictive cultures.
Some of these cultures were born out of the greed of us adults. Certain fathers still eat from plates with a lid. One plate is full of a carbohydrate and the other is full of meat. The idea is that the children don’t see that dad’s portion is a double portion and in some cases more than double. The wife puts these two big plates in front of the husband and retreats on her knees and announces to the “father” that the meal is served. I am not saying this is bad but I don’t want my wife to walk on her knees while serving food. Some of these cultures belong to Okonkwo’s time in Achebe’s Things fall apart. Lest I lose track, the idea is that eating together fosters great family unity.
When frustrated, always control your emotions and model appropriate use of words in your communication. Parents can easily hurt the bonding process by using ill-conceived language during times of frustration such as,” You liar . . ., you always . . .” what’s wrong with you . . . you never . . .” This can really destroy their confidence and self-esteem.
Finally, help the children to know who they are, to foster a sense of identity, in other words helping them develop their legacy. Discuss the family tree and show them where they are on the family tree, talk to them about deceased family members and visit gravesites. Show them the graves of those people who were part of the bigger family. Share memories of your upbringing, and the good and bad lessons you learned along the way, emphasising to them the need not to make the mistakes you might have made.
Such is bonding with children . . .
Online Reporter