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Mary Mwadu (not her real name) is one such woman who is in a difficult position. She has been married for the past 20 years. She is a mother of five. The eldest is now in college with the youngest barely learning to walk.
Mary’s husband went in search of work down South in 2006.
“We had no choice, life was extremely tough, we even removed our children from boarding school to local day schools. My husband who worked as a secondary school teacher could no longer afford looking after the family. The only way out was for him to join his friend who had trekked down south a year earlier,” said Mary recently speaking to a support group monthly discussion.
With the husband in South Africa life looked up for the family as the father was able to send home the scarce groceries and forex every month.
“My husband was able to provide for the family and even the extended family when the going was tough. However, what I failed to get was why he did not like me to visit him. He explained that he lived in a shantytown with friends sharing a room and this was no place for his loved wife to set foot in. I believed him since he was a loving and considerate man. After all he was concerned that I would not be exposed to the squatter-like conditions at the place he called home in South Africa,” said Mary.
Mary said that her husband was quick to learn Zulu and the family was fascinated with the progress he had made. What never occurred to them was why he had never bothered to learn the Ndau dialect, which his wife Mary speaks, but like always, a peace-loving wife is not inquisitive.
It’s unAfrican to do so, she was brought up to believe. A good wife does not nag, she submits to her husband.
Peter, (the husband) always conversed in Zulu with whoever called from South Africa. This was clever indeed, no one would pick up the conversation and with the wife not suspecting any infidelity he cheated right under her nose.
What Mary did not know was that Peter had learnt Zulu so as to outwitt the family.
Mary says the husband always came home on Easter and Christmas holidays despite the fact that he was a teacher. She wondered why he did not come home during school holidays – which Peter fully explained.
He needed to make an extra cent so he stayed behind teaching remedial holiday lessons to those who afforded to pay for this special holiday arrangement. Who would not be grateful to such a hard working man?
Mary says she decided to stop family planning on her own accord without having planned it with the husband. All hell broke loose when the husband came for Easter and she told him that she was three months pregnant.
“My husband went mad, really mad. He asked me why I was so unreasonable as to add to his burden yet I was not providing for the family. I only had boys so I was hoping to have a girl. He would have none of it.
He asked me to undergo a back street abortion to which I refused.
“He left home without saying goodbye the following day and I just thought that it was due to rage,” she said.
Peter all along had been in a trans-generational relationship. He was not staying in a shantytown. Local men are said to be in demand across the border and he fell for the easy and luxurious living that was offered by a fellow teacher at his school.
That the woman was 15 years his senior was not an issue with him. At least he was assured of free accommodation. Peter stayed with the woman. All her children were grown ups and had moved out. She was not evasive that her husband had died 10 years ago.
This to Peter was a plus, there was no one to fear. He was clever and learnt Zulu so fast, in no time he was fluent. Mary was speaking to expectant mothers at a local clinic, urging them to take an HIV test. Mary’s baby has just stopped breastfeeding at 12 months. She has taken two HIV tests, the first one at six weeks which was negative.
She had to take a further test when she weaned the baby since she had breastfed. She was lucky and the results came back negative again. They used the dry blood tests, which are conclusive when testing children.
Mary had carried her pregnancy through after she tested HIV positive. She was devastated and when she phoned the husband she was told in no uncertain terms that that was her own baby.
“My husband told me that I deserved the situation I found myself in and he was not bothered if I gave birth to a sickling or not, infact he called the baby ‘kacellphone’, implying that the baby would be so tiny. I did not give up, I took up the prevention of mother to child transmission programme.”
Mary immediately put the child on medication and followed the instructions as laid out. What worries Mary is that since then the husband has been home on two occassions and he has flatly refused to use protection.
“I got the female condom from the clinic in anticipation of my husband’s home coming. To my surprise, he asked me if I was now into sex work. He would not use any protection,” said the woman.
Mary’s situation is not unique, she contracted a sexually transmitted infection immediately and she said she felt very embarrassed to go to the clinic where she was well acquinted with the staff. She thus went to see a private doctor and got treated.
“I fear that recurrent STIs are not good for my health. My husband wilfully infected me and still insists that we use no protection,” she said.
It is said that women who are economically dependent on their spouses cannot negotiate for safe sex, neither can they refuse on the grounds that Mary finds her self on.
Disturbing news is that STIs are on the increase in Harare. STIs signify that the infected did not use protection. With STIs on the rise, this could erode the gains made in reducing new HIV transmissions. A doctor speaking on condition of anonymity said that the rise in STIs was a note that people still engaged in unprotected sex.
“The rise in new STIs means people are engaging in unprotected sex and mostly these people do not even know their HIV status. Even if they knew, behaviour change lacks because we have cases of people who know that they are HIV positive reporting with an STI,” said the doctor.
It appears some people in sexual networks do not take protection seriously despite the risk involved. The National Aids Council reported that a total of 8 500 cases of STIs were treated in 2009 in Harare alone.
Can Mary stand up and challenge her husband? She says that would be the end of her marriage. She says at least the children are growing up in a normal home. How normal, we cannot deduce.
Many discordant couples, (where one is HIV positive and the other is not) fail to reach an agreement on safe sexual practices and risk having the other party infected. It seems an uphill task to have people understand the role and counter-roles of primary and secondary infection both of HIV and STIs. May you get understanding in all you endeavour to get.
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Online Reporter