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Laina Makuzha-Love by Design
People go through so much trouble sometimes, to find love and to build a loving family and the search might involve pain, disappointment and heartbreaks before finding “the one”, yet sadly, almost every week, we read stories of some form of gender based violence or other, involving the young, middle aged and much older generation, sometimes with fatal consequences.
For me it just begs the question, where has the love gone? I ask those who are married, those in relationships and those seeking to find it. What is wrong with our society such that bizarre abuse we never used to hear of before, is becoming common place?
Author and professional counsellor Imeldah Tsumba and her husband Leo Tsumba — a couple married for 40 years and counting — have incredible nuggets and wisdom to share with today’s couples in a marriage handbook they penned together. Imelda is the founder and CEO of Legacy Urithi International, a non- profit organisation. She holds a Masters Degree in Christian Counselling with Logos Christian College, US, is a Haggai Institute Alumni (Singapore), and has written 43 books on various topics in line with her passion of raising leaders for the next generation.
Her 44th book , “The Marriage Handbook — His & Her Perspective” that she co-authored with her husband, will be launched on Friday 25 November 2022 at a prestigious couples dinner and date night in Borrowdale, Harare. Couples and singles alike, are invited for this opportunity to re-ignite love, and build stronger marriages, as well as meeting the authors.
I had the opportunity to ask the seasoned couple for their thoughts on some issues from a husband and wife perspective with distinct “His and Her” responses. So I asked them:
Why a handbook on marriage?
Hers: Marriages are under tremendous attack.
You can not argue with experience. Our forty years plus of marriage have given us wisdom and tools to pass on and help every generation.
His: Fresh approach that offers the reader more options or ways to deal with a situation. Principles may be the same but applications, priorities or number of action points may vary and this is evident in our responses.
What is missing in relationships of today compared to when you were courting?
Hers: Commitment. Marriage s not like shoes that you change everyday. You stick with it, for better and for worse. A strong and healthy relationship is built on the three C’s of marriage — communication, compromise and commitment.
His: My view is that in the broad strokes of human rights, personal freedom and happiness has downplayed the commitment required to keep the ‘us’ banner flying high.
What would you say men seem to want in the woman they choose to build a life with- in your years of counselling?
Hers: Men want to be respected.
Men want a life partner who will be trustworthy, faithful and reliable. They want a wife who will stand by their side and, considering divorce rates, it’s no surprise that dependability would continue to be attractive
His: Encoded in every man is a version of ‘greatness’ that he seeks to achieve in life. A woman who, in his opinion, will not hreaten or impede the success of this life mission will qualify as a life partner. Of course physical and personality attributes are also important.
And what do women want in a life partner based on what some of them say, or yourself when you chose Mr Tsumba?
Hers: Women love men to focus all their attention on them. Being the most important person in their life makes them feel secure and happy. They want you and not to be shared with Susan and Mary.
His: Security: You can boil it down to three main areas –Emotional. Relational. Financial.
We all know how futile it is to seek to change someone,we can only change ourselves- how true is this in your view?
Hers: Life is not lived day by day but choice by choice. Do not spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviours. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.
His: It’s true. Maybe a different way to look at it is that we make efforts to get our significant other to adapt to our value system but we never really take time to fully express the values. Same with the spouse. We end up adjusting to the outward working of their value system and settle in our frustration.
And what then makes a good partner?
Hers: An ideal partner is respectful of and sensitive to the other, having uniquely individual goals and priorities. Good partners value the other’s interests separate from their own. They feel congenial toward and supportive of one another’s overall goals in life.
His: A good partner is one you understand and accept. You embrace who she is, what she can do, and who you have (positively) made her to be.
After some years of familiarity in marriage, what are some pitfalls you’ve seen individuals and couples fall into and is it avoidable? Hers: Married couples often develop bad habits that can produce resentment over time. The most common complaint among married couples is lack of communication.
Many couples put up with problems rather than try to fix them. it takes two to make a marriage work so if one spouse has his or her foot out the door, it can be difficult to fix a marriage. Disagreements about money are inevitable in a marriage. To avoid these problems, it’s important to discuss and agree how to handle finances. Just a few pitfalls.
His: In a nutshell: Don’t take each other for granted. It gradually affects your emotional pull towards each other. This in turn affects your daily routines and that’s a bunch. Teamwork is reduced, unilateral decisions increase, discussions decrease, recreation together seizes to exist, responsibilities get overlooked, affirmations disappear. To avoid? Don’t take each other for granted.
How can couples weather the storms of a growing marriage?
Hers: Remind each other that you are partners, not adversaries. Show extra grace with your spouse, overlooking minor annoyances, and be patient when your husband or wife isn’t at their best. Keep in mind that your spouse isn’t the problem – it’s that storm blowing around you that is causing you grief. A couple that prays together stays together.
His: Train yourselves and prepare. That storms will come is a given. How you will deal with them will determine outcomes. Approach all of them as a team, whether internally generated (caused by a spouse or family member) or externally. Seek to protect what’s at stake – a happy marriage.
Are there stages to look out for, example at five years of marriage, 10 years, 20 years etc?
Hers: Initial years – occurs prior to marriage and within the first several years after couples tie the knot. It is characterised by passion and strong feelings of romance.
Full story on www.herald.co.zw
Second Stage unfolds when couples may become disillusioned with the reality that it takes hard work to make marriages and families happy and stable.
Distractions decrease the time couples have to spend with each other to communicate and nurture their marital friendship. Reality Stage – inevitably occurs as couples contemplate whether or not they would like their marriages to continue. A growing number of married couples have decided to work on their marital friendship by gaining new relationship knowledge and skills. These couples tend to adjust to the realities of long-term marriages with contentmen
His: Funny you should ask that question but I’ve never really analyzed stages of my own marriage. The ones I have observed may have experienced common challenges but not necessarily in the same order.
Why is marriage important,why are marriages worth fighting for, or worth saving if not dangerous to health and wellness ?
Hers: A good marriage makes a good family, a good Church, a good community. A good nation.
Satan doesn’t want you to fight for your marriage.
He doesn’t want you to stand up for your family and persevere through trials of fire. He wants you to quit. – He wants you to feel the heat and run.
He wants you to back down because he knows marriage is too damaging to his dark and dying kingdom.
His: Marriage is huge statement to oneself and to a community that you are investing the balance of your life to build it with one unique person who will play a significant role towards achieving what you envisage emotionally, relationally and spiritually. Marriage is not a contract that you obligate your partner to deliver or you terminate if there’s a breach in the performance of terms agreed upon, it is a covenant that says you have equal responsibility to make things work, to build each other’s lives, to succeed in the greatness quest for both of you. The biblical principle of sowing and reaping is so appropriate here, you will reap what you sow. Without sowing, don’t expect a harvest. No barter trading!
Fight for your marriage as for everything else that is good, obviously within clearly acceptable risk levels. Well, make it a date folks…
Would love to hear your thoughts.
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Email: [email protected] Laina Makuzha 11/11/2022
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