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WHEN many think about marriage, they have a lot of expectations.
A good number of people fantasise. Young women cherish the adolescent dreams of a prince charming that will sweep them off their feet and give them everything. They dream of living happily ever after.
The same applies with the young men, they also dream of that fair princess who will make them happy forever.
You must understand that marriage is not a one way traffic. Both partners need to contribute to keep their marriage alive. This can only be possible when the two understand each other’s expectations and fulfil them as much as possible.
Sometimes, individuals overlook some of the bad habits or personal traits of their loved ones in the hope that they will change after marriage.
Be warned, changing people is not easy because habits are deep-rooted.
When one marries their spouse and hopes to change them, they get frustrated when they fail.
It is not possible to make personality changes, unless if the person is willing to make the necessary effort. However, habits can be changed through perseverance
Some may have succeeded in doing so.
Gradual change is an integral part of all relationships. Such changes will also come with time in all marriages. In order to ensure that marital happiness is not affected, it is important that neither of the partners be compelled to change. Changes must come naturally and voluntarily and this ensures long lasting happiness in married life.
A marriage is made up of a man and a woman, both of whom are different and perceive things differently. It is also not necessary that both should agree on everything because that would take the spice out of the married life.
When two people disagree, there would be some discord that could lead to a quarrel. Couples who love each other intensely insist that they would not quarrel.
However, they are surprised when certain circumstances compel them to do so. Do not let this discourage or disillusion you. To resolve a conflict in a positive manner, one should learn to develop mutual flexibility. Do not view a disagreement of opinion as a personal insult or criticism.
When a couple feels that their marriage is at the risk of breaking up, it is not time to find fault with the partner, but rather he or she should look within and gauge if the fault lies elsewhere. Without delay, one needs to answer some personal questions such as:
Am I committed to make my marriage succeed? Am I giving it the attention that it deserves? Am I concerned as much as I am about myself? Are my expectations realistic? Am I selfish? If so, what am I going to do about it? Am I ready to take the extra steps that I expect my partner to take in keeping the relationship alive?
The answers to these questions can be very revealing to the state of the relationship and one’s contribution to making it a success.
Many want to get married but also want to remain the same person. They resist the merging process and never become one flesh. Such relationships can never work. I am not suggesting that you give up your own personality and stop being you.
The idea is to improve who you are by allowing your partner to influence you, by moulding yourself around him or her. You have to have a ‘we’ rather than a ‘me’ mindset.
When you try to justify your mistakes to your partner and say, “This is the way I am. I was born like this, I grew up like this. This is who I am,” you maintain a death grip on your individuality at the expense of you marriage.
The root of every unhappy marriage is hardness of the heart. God is not a tyrant. He respects our choices. He would never force His way into our hearts and make us change. But if God cannot help when you are hard-hearted, how can your spouse? You are the only one who can do something about this and avoid the disaster.
But first you need to understand what hard-hearted is. There are a number of things that can cause hardness of the heart. When we speak about the heart, we are referring to the centre of emotions and feelings inside us. Any negative feeling that has not been properly processed and eliminated ends up turning our hearts into stone. One in particular is pride.
Pride turns the heart into concrete. Proud people are blind to their mistakes. In general, they think they are unusually humble and yet others are always in the wrong. They are always the misunderstood victims, they don’t like to admit to their mistakes and would rather have a tooth pulled without anaesthesia than apologise.
Because they are always right, proud people wait for others to give in and back off. They cannot see how important it is for someone who has been hurt to have their offender to acknowledge their mistake and apologies.
Many problems would be quickly solved if the proud person would simply say: “I’m sorry. I messed up. I won’t do that again.” Instead the proud person chooses to further harden their hearts.
What do they gain by doing this? A ruined marriage . . . a shattered marriage . . . years of unnecessary suffering. Though they loved each other, neither one of them gave in. Life passed them by and only towards the very end did they realise that they had missed out on years of happiness.
Enjoy your marriage, do the right thing.
Apostle Kanyati is the founder and president of Grace Unlimited Inter-denominational Ministries and Zoe Life Changing Ministries. Email feedback at [email protected]; WhatsApp : 0772 987 844.
Online Reporter