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Hi Sis Noe
I SUFFER from early ejaculation and someone suggested I do karezza. What is that? — Worried.
Reply
Karezza is a love making technique of “gentle intercourse” in which affection, connection, and relaxation are the goals, rather than orgasm. Karezza is a variation of an Italian word, meaning caress. As its name implies, it comprises activities like gentle stroking, spooning, skin-to-skin contact, and occasional gentle intercourse. Some evidence suggests this practice has been used for millennia, dating back to a Daoism practice called dual cultivation. Karezza practitioners believe great sex is not defined by orgasm; but by feelings of connection, bonding, and relaxation. Orgasms are shunned because they are thought of as quick intense neuro-chemical bursts that leave a person exhausted, drained, and restless shortly afterwards. Practitioners of karezza say they feel energised and full of positive energy after their orgasm-less sexual play, possibly because gentle, loving touch without orgasm subtly raises levels of dopamine and oxytocin, neuro-chemicals which create pleasure and feelings of closeness, romance, and peace. The drop-off of these brain chemicals is gradual after a karezza session, so shifts in mood are less dramatic than they may be after sexual play that includes an orgasm. Some enthusiasts credit karezza with healing sexual dysfunctions and soothing menstrual cramps, but caution that to achieve these benefits karezza should only be practised between those who are truly in love, otherwise the gentle touch may lack the kindness and tenderness that make it so satisfying, enjoyable, and even healing. If you want to learn more about this technique, you can check out the seminal (pun intended) book by William Lloyd, The Karezza Method: Or Magnetation, the Art of Connubial Love, a handy little manual which explores the theory and practical application of karezza. If you are interested in karezza, you could always give soft, gentle, and loving touching a try. If it doesn’t work for you and your partner, there is nothing wrong with radically changing course and going for the big O.
Hi Sis Noe
When I have sex with my boyfriend he loves spanking my butt and tying me to the bed. Now he is asking me to spank him in return and to tie him to the bed and whip him. While I enjoy what he does to me what he is asking me worries me. — Worried.
Reply
It seems you are both turned on by the type of erotic play broadly known as BDSM (bondage/domination/sadomasochism), but whereas he enjoys being both a ‘‘bottom’’ and a ‘‘top’’ (playing either a submissive or dominant role); you are only comfortable being a “bottom”. Let him know this. Sexuality that includes bondage and spanking can be creative and exciting, but in order to play safely and consensually, you must adhere to certain rules. BDSM is all about trust, and the credo of the BDSM community — “safe, sane and consensual” — is a sound guideline. If you are going to spank someone or tie them up (or allow that to be done to you), you need to know how to do so without endangering the safety of both you and your partner, so get some reliable education. Agreement needs to be reached about what constitutes acceptable play. Don’t play under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and set some kind of fail-safe signal for stopping if things get too much for one of you.
Hi Sis Noe
I’m 19, I am having a problem of producing whitish stuff and water but I don’t know the cause of this. — Help.
Reply
Vaginal discharge is very normal. Glands inside your vagina and cervix make small amounts of fluid. This fluid flows out of the vagina each day, carrying out old cells that have lined the vagina. This is your body’s way of keeping your vagina healthy and clean. The discharge is usually clear or milky and doesn’t smell bad. The colour and thickness of the discharge change with your monthly cycle. The discharge is thicker when you ovulate (when one of your ovaries releases an egg). Changes that may signal a problem include an increase in the amount of discharge, a change in the colour or smell of the discharge, and irritation, itchiness or burning in or around your vagina. This is called vaginitis. A discharge that is stained with blood when you are not having your period could also be a sign of a problem. If you have any of these signs, you should talk to your doctor. I am sure there is nothing wrong with you but you can avoid vaginitis by wiping yourself from front to back after using the toilet. This helps prevent bacteria from your rectal area getting into your vagina. Wear cotton underpants during the day. Cotton allows your genital area to breathe. Don’t wear underpants at night. Avoid wearing tight pants, pantyhose, swimming suits, biking shorts or leotards for long periods. Change your laundry detergent or fabric softener if you think it may be irritating your genital area. Avoid hot tubs. Bath or shower daily and pat your genital area dry. Avoid feminine hygiene sprays, coloured or perfumed toilet paper, deodorant pads or tampons, and bubble bath.
Hi Sis Noe
Is it true that children who are molested grow up to be promiscuous? I was molested as a child and now I sleep around and my counsellor said it’s because I was molested when I was a child. — Devastated.
Reply
It’s hard to pin down the exact odds of this happening. Overall, survivors of sexual abuse may be more likely than non-survivors to use addiction as a coping mechanism, which may include an addiction to sex. That is not to say, though, that all survivors become promiscuous. Actually, many survivors do just the opposite — they may avoid most, if not all, sexual activity. Your question brings up a larger issue. According to experts, child and adult survivors of sexual abuse develop ways to cope with what happened to them. In the short-term, these ways of coping often help survivors deal with intolerable circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. For instance, many survivors who don’t get professional help right away find ways to numb their pain and confusion. Some turn to drugs and alcohol. Others turn to excessive sexual activity. Some retreat into tumultuous relationships or avoid connecting with other people altogether. While these diversions may provide some immediate relief, they often lead to more suffering. At the worst, survivors dip into addictions, sexual confusion, and unstable and erratic relationships. Some survivors enter into a cycle of victimisation, repeatedly finding themselves in situations where they are sexually abused as adults. This creates shame, guilt, and even more confusion for the survivor. At some point, survivors often realise their ways of coping are no longer working or are actually causing more problems for them. There are lots of resources available for those who are ready and willing to explore their ways of coping. And, it often helps survivors to talk with mental health professionals about their experiences and ways of coping. It’s important for you not to be stereotyped or to be expected to have certain characteristics. Each survivor has unique experiences, feelings, thoughts, and ways of coping. With this understanding, it’s possible for you to find a peaceful resolve to your problem. In fact, many survivors lead healthy, happy, and meaningful lives. I am sure your counsellor will help you to overcome this problem.
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