Chat with Sis Noe: Should I tell him I know he was cheating?

Hi Sis Noe
I am having problems with my husband. One time he threatened to leave me. I always suspected that he was cheating but he denied it. I now have evidence that he was having an affair. He now wants to save our marriage. Should I tell him I know he was cheating? — Worried.

Reply
The discovery of an affair is always devastating, and even if you both want to be together, it does take time to repair the marriage and rebuild the trust.

Though you are afraid that telling him you know about the affair it might work against rebuilding the marriage, I think it would actually make it more difficult if you carried this secret for the rest of your life. One of the most important things that makes a marriage work is for the couple to be able to communicate about everything, the good and the bad. From what you say I don’t think this has happened in your relationship.

So if you want it to be different in the future, you really do have to be open with each other.

He needs to understand and regret the hurt he has caused you.

You need to discuss why he had the affair, why he felt he did not love you and how he feels now. You also need to talk about how you would like the future to be and what changes you would both like.

Hi Noe Noe
Is it necessary for people who are HIV positive to use condoms when they sleep together?

Reply
Sex between HIV-positive partners is not without risk, both from other types of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). There are many different types or “strains” of HIV, and some change or “mutate” over time and exposure to medication. When a person who is infected with one strain becomes infected with a second strain, it is referred to as “super-infection.” Not much is known about how often this occurs, but it may be that individuals with more recent HIV infection are more susceptible to it. In addition to super-infection, unprotected sex leads to rapid loss of CD4 cells and contracting other STIs. This puts people at higher risk for opportunistic infections such as Karposi’s Sarcoma, co-infection with hepatitis C, as well as immune system deterioration. The achievement of treatment in the form of antiretroviral therapy (ART) has allowed so many to live longer, healthier lives; however, it may also cause complacency in some people towards safer sex behaviours. It’s a misconception that HIV is no longer as dangerous since treatment is available. More virulent and drug resistant strains of HIV have emerged as a result of people failing to maintain an ART regimen. Use condoms.

Hi Sis Noe
Is it safe to have sex when the baby is due?

Reply
Parents-to-be often worry that sex during pregnancy could be harmful to the baby. Common concerns include “poking” the baby, causing a miscarriage, or harming the pregnant woman. It might come as some relief that, while these fears are quite normal, they are mostly unfounded.

Unless the pregnancy is considered high-risk, sex is ok because the baby is protected in the womb by the amniotic sac.

Even orgasms, which cause uterine contractions, don’t lead to premature labour or birth. If you are unsure whether or not the pregnancy is high-risk, or if you are feeling particularly concerned, you can consult your health care provider.

What is not unfounded is the way sexuality and emotions can change upon the imminent birth of a child. Some women may not want to have intercourse when they are so close to giving birth, while some might find that they are unusually turned on.

Hormones rage during pregnancy, which can swing a woman’s sex drive either way.

Similarly, a partner’s anxieties or excitements about becoming a parent or about the ways in which a woman’s body changes during pregnancy can either stimulate or sedate sex drive. Take comfort in knowing that both reactions and responses are perfectly fine and normal. It may ease potential discomfort for partners to talk about how they are feeling in a truthful and supportive way.

Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend accused me of breaking his penis when we were having sex and he is claiming that he ended up going to hospital for treatment. Is that possible?

Reply
Even though there are no actual bones in a penis, it is possible to break one. The shaft of the penis is comprised of two chambers of spongy tissue, the corpora cavernosa, which run along the inside length of the penis. Erections occur when, in response to physical and/or mental triggers, the nerves of the penis signal the surrounding muscles to relax, allowing blood to pour into the corpora cavernosa.

A thick membrane surrounding the corpora cavernosa, the tunica albuginea, keeps the blood that is being pumped into those spongy chambers from being able to escape.

The result is a stiffer, larger, and more rigid rod. Although an erect penis may feel rock-hard, it is still flesh and blood. Penile fractures occur when an erect penis is thrust against a harder, less flexible object.

This could happen if someone enthusiastically plunges and pumps his penis into a partner, or a pillow let’s say, and misses or over-runs the intended opening and instead hits a pubic bone, headboard, or other hard surface. If the object is hard enough, and the erect penis is thrust with enough force, that thick membrane surrounding the corpora cavernosa can tear, causing an audible cracking sound, abrupt loss of erection, severe pain and bruising, and a penis that is typically bent to one side or the other.

Treatment for penile fractures consists of immediate evaluation and, most often, surgical intervention to repair the tunica albuginea and restore or preserve erectile function and the ability to pass urine. Similar to other fractures, the sooner the broken part is set, the less likely permanent damage and misshapenness will result. You may have hurt your man but I doubt his penis broke.

Hi Sis Noe
I have not had sex with my husband for three years because it’s painful for me. I have gone to doctors but nothing seems to work. I fear that he will leave me. One doctor told me I have vaginitis but the problem has not ended. — Worried.

Reply
If it is vaginitis your doctor should have been able to prescribe antibiotics or other medication.

However, I wonder if the problem could be vaginismus, which is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles sometimes caused by the anticipation of pain. This condition makes penetration either painful or impossible but it is treatable. Ask your doctor to refer you to a gynaecologist or specialist who is trained in psychosexual medicine. There are such things as dilators that can be used in the privacy of your home to help you relax and in time make penetration possible.