Chronicle Editor
Mkhululi Ncube
THE phrase love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener is true to many women who have suffered abuse in marriage.
Most women did not have the eyes to see into what monsters their soul mates will transform into.
This is the case of Ms Sidumisile Jamela, who believed she had married an angel.
Her short marriage was hell on earth as the abuse she suffered resulted in her suffering three miscarriages and giving birth to a child born with hydrocephalus.
Hydrocephalus is a build-up of fluid in the cavities deep within the brain.
The extra fluid puts pressure on the brain and can cause brain damage. It is characterised by head enlargement in infants.
Jamela’s life of abuse puts paid the push by some church leaders for young girls to go into marriage so that they portray their churches as marriage centres. It also comes as a word of caution to parents to understand that the saying “emendweni kuyabekezelwa” (marriage needs patience) does not apply to women undergoing abuse.
“I got married in 2007 and my marriage was just hell on earth. I had dated this guy for about six months and our church pushed us to get married before we could know each other well.
They provided everything for the wedding. Even my bridal dress was from the church. I was just fulfilling their wishes before I was ready.
“Churches must avoid pushing youths into marriage but guide and counsel them and let them make a decision. They should not value the numbers of marriages they conduct in their churches at the expense of their future and happiness,” said Ms Jamela.
She said even church-going men could be serious abusers who just hide behind the bible while they were devil personified.
Jamela said her husband who was a keyboardist in church used the same hands to assault her at home and did not care that she was pregnant. This led to her miscarriages.
“I first fell pregnant in 2009 and the guy was a serious abuser, wayetshaya (he would hit me) to the point that I had three miscarriages. He would tell me that he wanted to re-arrange my face so that even if I left him no one would marry me.
I sought help from my family and they would tell me ukuthi bekezela (be patient) and I just stayed there. I did not have the information about domestic violence so I suffered in silence.
“I informed the church and they spoke to us and just said kuzolunga (it will be okay) but it did not help because he would apologise but soon the abuse would continue, I resigned to my fate. I had no one to talk to because the family and church institutions had failed me. Churches should give emotional support not to brag about wedded numbers when girls are being married to lions,” she said.
Jamela says her last pregnancy led to the birth of a hydrocephalus daughter due to a combination of abuse and poor diet as the man was also not supporting her which led to starvation and emotional stress.
She said the birth of the child led to a more strained relationship as her husband denied paternity and left for South Africa leaving her to struggle to provide for all necessities.
“I finally gave up and filed for divorce when my daughter was two years old and became a single parent. I had to equip myself with imisebenzi yezandla (vocational training) so that I support my daughter and myself. I think some of the abuse emanated from his friends because I could not find a reason for the beating. He would not even give me money I had to struggle even though he had a good job,” she said.
Jamela said despite the miscarriages the family and the church did not take any action. Instead, they blamed the condition of the baby on the miscarriages despite the fact that she had told them of her hellish ordeal at the hands of her husband.
She said her marriage experience led her to give up on marriage, an institution she thought was blissful until reality dawned on her.
Jamela does not want young girls to fall into her situation.
“To the young women, do not rush into marriage and do not ignore the signs you see during courtship and never believe that the person can change. Take the advise you are given and never think that people are jealous. Get to know your person. Take your time before you decide to settle down.”
“Churches should not close the dating phase for youths. Allow youths to know each other before rushing them into marriage. Let the youths make their own decisions when they believe they are mature enough to face marriage. Some of those active guys in church are monsters at home and dating and courtship will reveal some of their dark sides. To parents listen to your daughters when they tell you about abuse because men can kill. Today’s men ababekezelelwa (they don’t need patience) they kill,” said Jamela.
She said society must not stigmatise women who have failed marriages due to abuse as it perpetuates the problem with many choosing to die in silence than to be made a subject of scorn and derision where they are labeled umabuya ekwendeni (return soldier).
Jamela said after divorcing her husband she chose to give all her love and attention to her daughter who unfortunately passed away last year.
“I have trust issues and it will be difficult for me to try again. I believe a woman is complete without a man. Happiness does not come from marriage as many women are in painful marriages and they are hiding it. You must learn to love yourself and find inner joy. Some cannot do without a man because they cannot support themselves,” she said.
Ms Jamela says she is now teaching young girls and women craft arts in Bulawayo and using the time with them to teach them about abuse.
“Now I am a stronger person and I can stand on my own. I refused to be a victim of abuse, I am a survivor. Women going through abuse should get help and not fear being stigmatised, if it means leaving the marriage so be it than being a victim.
Women do not know how strong they are and should not allow themselves to be abused,” she said.
The world was commemorating the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence and this year’s theme is Orange the world: End violence against women and children now. — @themkhust
Online Reporter