Co-parenting after divorce is inevitable

Mercy Ngwebvu
An old adage says: The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to respect the woman that gave birth to his children. It is along this line that people who have divorced must think, especially when children are part of the puzzle.

Divorcing parents cannot spare their children the pain of divorce, despite their sometimes fervent desire to do so. And perhaps they shouldn’t try. Children are entitled to their own feelings; children need to grieve. But even after divorce parents can – in my view must – work hard to be good parents and co-parents. Over time after divorce, good parents and co-parents can promote their children’s resilience and do much to ease their pain. Rather than forever being “children of divorce,” hardworking divorced parents and co-parents can help their kids to be “just kids.”

Research shows that it is not the divorce itself that is so damaging to children. Rather, the on-going conflict and interruption in parenting is what creates distress for children. The ability of parents living apart to work together in a co-operative, business-like manner has a direct impact on how well and how quickly children adjust to their new circumstance and return to normal levels of functioning. Our classes are designed to help parents establish and maintain just such a co-parenting relationship.

Although there is no “typical divorce” and no “magic formula” for ensuring positive child and family outcomes, and every child and family are unique, co parents can still be there for their children so that they do not suffer much pain psychologically.

Although most people who would have divorced avoid this; it is always essential to talk about the divorce to the children.

Children need to know that they will not be abandoned, physically or emotionally, by either of their parents.

Recognize that divorce is a long-term process for children, not a one-time event and parents need to be prepared to have several such talks.

If possible, talk to the children together as parents, reassuring them that you will cooperate in the future.

After going through a divorce, many people fall into the trap of wanting to bad mouth their ex.

However, with co parenting, it is of utmost importance for people to speak about and act in a respectful manner toward the other parent, especially in front of the children.

Conveying an attitude of respect toward your co-parent is vital to children’s well-being and shielding children from conflict is essential.