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Zimbabwe today joins the rest of the World in commemorating 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence.
This is a key international moment to call for an end to violence against women and girls.
It runs from 25th November (the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women) until 10th December, Human Rights Day.
Violence against women can be found in homes, at work and other institutions that include churches.
Christians also suffer from domestic violence and may also perpetrate violence against women.
Abusers fail to find their identity in God.
They cannot accept that they may be abandoned, hurt, or not respected by others, so they control the people around them to preserve their god-like identity.
This means the abused cannot try to manage the situation.
Abuse is a deliberate attempt to gain control. You do not overcome abusive behaviour, then, by focusing on self-esteem or anger management.
Abusers are not sick; they are clever and driven by a desire to control. This means the abused are not crazy or the ones to blame.
Awful things are often said about women who remain in abusive relationships.
Instead of being one of those voices, let us try to understand why a woman may find it hard to leave.
Fear of more violence, fear for her children, fear of her own future—these often paralyse and produce a fog that distorts reality.
Abusers work hard to isolate those they are abusing by threatening, discrediting, or shaming them into thinking nobody will believe them.
A wife may not necessarily hate her abusive husband; she just hates the abuse and wants it to stop. With all of his manipulative apologies, she believes he will change. And sadly, she hopes her suffering will achieve his redemption. It is heinous to think she stays because she is responsible for his behaviour, or because she deserves the treatment she is getting.
One of Satan’s greatest lies is getting you to believe you can remain unaffected by sin committed against you.
The devil wants you to keep quiet and not let the beauty of a risen Saviour shape every part of your story.
The church must learn how to give women back their voice so they can taste the wondrous reality of God’s redeeming work for them. We must let the gospel have the last word.
4 Common mistakes in abuse counselling
- Assume marriage must be preserved at all costs.
Sadly, the church can become a place of more abuse, misapplying biblical texts to promote the abuse of power by a husband or the place of suffering for a wife — all in the name of “submission.”
A woman who has been battered, neglected, or verbally abused does not need marriage counselling with her husband; she needs to hear of the protective, loving, and redeeming work of Jesus.
Earthly marriage is not our God or ultimate goal.
- Assume all divorce is sin.
God not only hates divorce, but also the one whose garment is covered with violence (Mal. 2:16).
A violent and abusive man has broken the marriage covenant by his sinful choices; he is the “divorcer,” and that marriage is not honouring to the Lord (1 Cor. 7:15).
If a husband is abusive, and the wife pursues divorce, what do some churches do? Discipline or ignore the woman. They refuse to condone divorce even at the expense of her safety. Friends, this is not courageous pastoral ministry.
- Misapply headship and submission.
Ephesians 5:22–33 beautifully displays God’s design for the home. It is a high and holy calling, one never to be downplayed or tweaked to “fit the times.” The problem is not God’s pattern; it is man’s corruption.
We do not need to become feminists or egalitarians to speak against domestic violence and abuse. We need to stand in the truth of God’s word and in the gap of a culture gone mad.
- Misunderstand forgiveness
We must rightly understand the biblical teaching on forgiveness and reconciliation. The end goal is not a man back in the home; the end goal is holiness. Reconciliation is not the same thing as reunion, and forgiveness is not a demand from the abuser that we can “get on with things.”
Things we can (and must) do
In brief, here are six things the church can and must do when confronting abuse:
- Prioritise safety
It is not uncommon for a woman to really think her abusive husband will kill her. This fear should never be dismissed as “extreme” or “dramatic.” The church that fails to prioritise the physical and emotional protection of the vulnerable fails to practice “pure and undefiled religion” (James 1:27).
- Listen compassionately
If someone is brave enough to share her story with you, listen with compassion. Express gratitude for her vulnerability, pray with her, and then connect her with an experienced and competent biblical counsellor.
- Avoid quick fixes
Do not go into “fix it” mode, scrambling to get every detail and to reunite victim with perpetrator. While safety should be secured immediately, clarity and healing take time.
- Increase understanding
Read books and ask experienced counsellors about the issue.
- Offer hope
Nothing gives hope—hope for forgiveness, hope for healing, hope for change—like the gospel of Jesus Christ. Communicate and apply this good news with humble conviction.
- Provide accountability
As you encounter abusers, rebuke and report them. Do not let fear of awkwardness (or worse) keep you silent. By God’s grace, do the courageous and loving thing. — The Herald/TGC
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