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Vaidah Mashangwa
Divorce can be a traumatic experience for most people and the subject of re-marriage thereafter is received with reservations.
On the other hand, single parenting can be a demanding and exhausting experience.According to the book, Choices in Relationships, remarriage can ease the stress of parenting and provide a happier context for the parent .This of course will depend on the character of the new wife or husband as not all second marriages end up as happier marriages.
It is estimated that about 20 percent of all current marriages are remarriages and the average interval between divorce and remarriage is about three years. However, divorced men and women are more likely to remarry sooner than widowed men and women.
Before remarriage, it is important to discuss issues concerning finances, disciplining of stepchildren, in-laws, housing, careers and relationship with the ex-spouse. If such issues are not well-discussed they normally ruin the happiness of the marriage.
There have been reports in the print media of serious issues pertaining to spouses who continue to be emotionally attached to the ex-spouse and have difficulty breaking away. Some people actually continue seeing their ex-wives or husbands privately thereby exposing the new relationships to another divorce.
In terms of step-children, usually in 90 percent of all the cases, mothers are awarded the custody of the children. This translates that the stepfather has to adjust and accommodate the stepchildren. On the other hand, the new stepmother has to accept the stepchildren who might at times not be necessarily staying with their father but coming to visit over the holiday, weekends, vacations or other visitation times.
It is estimated that around 50 percent of spouses get divorced, 80 percent of the divorced remarry, and 55 percent of those who remarry come to the new marriage with children from the previous marriage. Although step parents may develop love feelings for their step children, at times they do not. Words like “her” or “his” children are usually used depicting that the children are not really theirs now that they have remarried. That gap at times is felt forever in the new marriage.
One other problem that arises in bringing up step-children is teaching them to adjust to new behaviour patterns, norms, beliefs that the new set of parents want. The children might have been reared differently by their own father or mother. At times older children may also develop a dislike of the step parent and actually show it openly.
At times children may also have a difficulty in adjusting to life in two different homes. They may spend a weekend with the biological father and another week with the step parent. During such periods, they are given different treatment and instructions thereby affecting their social and moral fabric.
At times the ex-husband might be expected by the court to pay maintenance. Usually less than half of these fathers send the money thereby creating conflict in the new marriage as the stepfather might also feel overburdened by supporting his stepchildren. This might engender negative feelings towards the new wife and might slowly ruin the marriage.
The same applies to the new wife who might feel that the new husband is sending all his earnings towards the upkeep of his biological children thereby creating the same feelings.
It means that each member in a stepfamily has to make a lot of adjustment and try as much as possible to tolerate each other including the stepchildren. Research points that it takes at least two years for remarried couples to adjust and accept one another and five to seven years for the whole family including in-laws and children to feel really comfortable.
Some adjust more quickly and find no obstacles.
What is vital in step stepfamilies is for couples to communicate freely and express their likes or dislikes about the new family set up. It is generally documented that children are more likely to accept a new stepfather than a new stepmother. The reason is that the role of the child’s biological mother is so powerful that the stepmother at times seems to be non-existent.
At times if the stepchild develops a strong relationship with the stepmother, the biological mother may become really upset to the extent of influencing the child to hate the stepmother.
It also helps to watch television, go to a movie and eat together as a family so as to develop that close bond. Actually, men who really love their wives, find it easier to tolerate and love the stepchildren as well. In some instances the children may actually love their step-parents more than their biological parents as they may be spending more time with the step-parents.
Just as there are problems in all marriages, there are also problems within step-families. All concerned should aim to be positive and patient as development of affection towards step-parents and stepchildren may take time.
* Vaidah Mashangwa is the Provincial Development Officer in the Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development, Bulawayo Metropolitan Province. She can be contacted on 0772111592/09-889224 email: [email protected]
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