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Fredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa Successful Solutions
IN my last article I was trying to get parents to understand that when teenagers “misbehave” it’s mostly due to pressure that comes with the transition from childhood to adulthood. I was basically saying that parents should understand that their children are going through some natural and man-made pressures and as such there is need for parents to understand this transition phase and give their children the necessary support.
This week I want to share on communication with teenagers, how key this is to building an effective relationship with them in order to support them. The teen years as I said in the last article bring their own challenges for the teenagers but they too bring their own joys and rewards to the parents and the teenagers as well.
There is need to have open and honest communication with our teenagers. Do we communicate with our teenagers? Have we cultivated a culture of dialogue with them? Are they free to talk to us, especially when they have problems? Some adolescents may find it very difficult to talk to their parents than they did when they were younger.
Some would rather tell a friend or the “parent” next door if they have a problem than tell their parent. Whenever I pick my daughter from a girls’ school in town, I always observe that some girls are not even comfortable sitting in the front seat with their fathers. They drive off, the two of them (father and daughter), with the daughter seated in the back seat as if chauffer-driven.
I thought this is the time for the father to sit with their daughter in front and ask how school was and chat all the way home. Now if the daughter is being chauffer-driven how do you chat? Maybe this is the conservative father who still believes in some old traditions like those that say children don’t sit with adults and these traditions are carried into the car.
This is not a good sign. For me this is the beginning of problems. If we, fathers create that buffer that we are “the head” of the family and as such we only discuss serous issues. We will indeed discuss the serious issues, pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse and truancy from school.
As parents we need to make time for our children from the time they are infants, so that they grow up enjoying our company and when they eventually become adolescents they are very free to communicate with us. If you have not cultivated a relationship with your children from the time they are infants, they can’t all of a sudden find you good company when they are adolescents.
Good relationships with children are nurtured from infancy. At this stage they are all very friendly and you should not have problems connecting with them. If you are not there for them from infancy and suddenly, you want to make a mark and connect with them when they are teenagers, they will reject you.
All parents who have good relationships with their teenagers will agree with me that proper management of teenagers starts with failure to connect with them in their infancy.
Make an attempt to be very close to them and be there for them when they are in kindergarten and you are done. If suddenly you appear when they are teenagers you are also “done”, you can’t teach an old dog new trick.
If as parents we are fond of doing things that do not include our children, the children are very quick to notice and they find the parent next door a better parent than their own parents and they go and confide in them.
Open communication means that the parents will try hard to be available when the teenager feels the need to talk. If you are a parent just make sure that communication is open at least from your side.
If you have issues to discuss with your adolescent always start from the standpoint that you understand what they think, what they are doing and want to do but you have another view point. If you impose yourself because you are older and you “know” better you have lost the battle.
No matter how hard it might be, try to start all interactions with your teenager with understanding, even if you don’t fully agree or even quite comprehend what they’re talking about. Start from a place of understanding, and try to put yourself in your teen’s shoes first before telling them what needs to change.
If they say they don’t agree and they have not done what needs to be done, when you confront them and you are trying to get through to them emotion is your worst enemy.
Try to control your emotions when you are trying to get through to them. When you pitch up a fight with them to the extent of physically fighting, they know they can’t win this fight and they can only “fix” you by doing what will hurt you.
They hit back by doing exactly what you said they must not do. If you pitch up the fight further then some will totally withdraw, or contemplate serious things like suicide or leaving home. You may not like how they are behaving or even how they are thinking, but keep your emotions out of it, even if their behaviour impacts you.
This is not an easy thing to do; it’s hard, but it’s a skill you can learn just like you learnt how to write. When you really think about it, there’s no reason to be mad at your teenager for being himself. He may be making a poor choice but the fact is, he might not yet have the skill set to make a better one.
Therefore your employment as a parent is to guide him to better choices so he can in turn develop a better skill set. When you feel frustrated, remember, don’t take it personally. Tell yourself that this is simply a problem to solve, and part of the parenting package.
Remember anger is not only your right, your child can be angry as well.A rule of thumb is to avoid doing anything until you and your child have both calmed down.
When both of you are calm, you can sit down and talk with him. It’s not advisable to bring up a difficult subject or resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. So if either you or your child is upset, take a break and come back when you can address things in a calmer way.
Avoid imposing yourself on your teenager. When you have a bone to chew always put it up to discussion, develop a culture of dialogue with your adolescent.
Dictating is a terrible parenting skill. Put issues to discussion and ask your teen for his ideas and be collaborative.
Let him see that you believe in him and that you are not mad at him for struggling in his life or for the wrong he has done.
When you let him see that you trust him and you have faith in his abilities and he has the space to work things out on his own, you will begin to develop true confidence in him.
Let your teen know that he owns his problems, they are his to solve. There are certain issues that will need his own solutions and you are just there to guide him. Let him deal with the natural consequences of his behaviour.
In conclusion I want us to understand that our children are not computers which we can programme to behave in a certain way and produce the results we want.
Our teenagers are individuals in their own right with an independent psychological made-up. When we want to guide them let us engage them in dialogue and help them think for themselves and this will in turn help them feel like they have some control over their world and affairs.
Listen openly to what they have to say and ask them to think critically about the choices they make. What will work and what will be problematic about each choice? What would be the natural consequences of each choice and how would they feel about dealing with that?
We are not giving them fish here but teaching them how to fish. When we empower them to critically consider the consequences of all their behaviour, we teach them to be independent and responsible.
Online Reporter