Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
Last week I wrote about how our choice of spouse is never a private matter.
Marriage pulls in two whole families, children, in-laws and a community. The person you marry becomes part of a bigger story.
That article stirred a lot of messages. People shared stories of pressure from relatives, of blessings, and of battles. Which brings us to this week.
There are weeks when the news leaves us speechless. When a home, the place that should be the safest, becomes the scene of unimaginable tragedy. And when the details involve a marriage breaking down, it forces all of us to ask a painful question: how did we get here?
I am not writing to speculate. The law provides answers for all and especially for families who are suddenly thrown into turmoil. I am writing because in homes across Zimbabwe or the diaspora for that matter, there are couples right now who are hurting, quarrelling, and wondering if anyone will survive the storm. Some marriages are ending. Some are bleeding. And some are one bad decision away from being destroyed forever.
So today, let us talk plainly about conflict.
Conflict is normal. Violence is a deadly choice.
Every marriage has conflict at some point. Money. In-laws. Infidelity. Parenting. Career pressure. Distance. The difference between couples who make it and couples who do not, is not the absence of problems. It is what they do when the problem comes.
Violence, whether it is shouting, threats, shoving, or worse — is hardly “losing control” or some helpless rage. It is a choice to use power to hurt instead of words to heal. And once violence enters a home, everyone loses. Especially the children.
Gender-based violence remains one of our silent epidemics. In fact, I cannot even call it silent, when the consequences are so devastating and prevalent in our society. Too many women are nursing wounds in secret. Too many men are drowning in anger with no one to talk to. And too many children are learning that love looks like fear and violence, and some perpetuate it if they survive to start their own families.
Things do go wrong in marriages, love can leave, commitment can change for whatever reason, marriage vows discarded. Sometimes it is in the discovery that the person you thought you married just is not who they portrayed before. Heartbreak. Turmoil. What can one do to survive it all?
If you have been betrayed, disrespected, or feel like your world is collapsing, your anger is real. But anger is not some evil license. Consider these suggestions that do not involve violence:
Walk away to cool down
The Bible, our elders, and even science agree(and we have discussed this in this column before): do not make decisions in the heat of anger. Go to another room. Go for a walk. Breathe. Call a friend. A 20-minute pause can save a lifetime of regret. What feels urgent at 11pm often looks different at 9am.
Use your support system — eg the ‘dare remhuri’
One of our greatest strengths as Africans is that marriage was never meant to be an island. We have uncles, aunts, pastors, elders, and family friends. In some families, dare remhuri or family councils exist for this very reason. Sit down with 2 respected elders from both sides. State your case. Listen. Let them mediate. Pride will tell you “this is private.” Wisdom will say “this is survival(because it really is).” A mediated separation is better than a mediated funeral.
Get professional help
As we often share in this column, there are legal channels, counsellors, pastors, and mediators trained for this. In Zimbabwe and other parts of the world — wherever you are — there are support groups and marriage counsellors. Talking to a neutral person is not weakness. It is strategy. Churches and NGOs also run anger management and GBV prevention programmes. Use them. Preserve health and life.
Pour the energy elsewhere
Go to the gym. Go to church. Go to work. Start a project. Volunteer somewhere. Grief and rage need somewhere to go. Give them a constructive place or they will find a destructive one. Write. Build. Pray. Serve. Violence is the lazy option. It is the quickest way to lose everything you were fighting to protect.
Leave the children out of it
This is non-negotiable. Children are not messengers, spies or pawns in a fight about infidelity or money. When adults feud, children bear the brunt.
No matter how angry you are with your spouse, the children are still yours together. Protect their right to love both parents. Protect their right to feel safe in their own home. If you cannot co-parent in the same room, then do it through a third party, through lawyers, through relevant platforms. Do not drag them into the war.
What communities can do
To aunties and uncles: don’t just say “endure, shingirira”. Context must count. Please also ask: “are you safe?”
To pastors: create supportive space for men to talk about anger without shame, anger management and Word based family healing.
To friends and neighbours: if you hear shouting, check in. If you see bruises, do not just look the other way and think: “it is none of my business”. We all need each other at our healthiest, for a stronger community and society at large.
To the women: if you feel unsafe, tell someone. There are shelters and helplines in every country. Your life matters more than the wedding photos and married name.
Dear reader, if you have walked through a rough season in marriage and found a way through without violence, please share experiences and views. We can learn from one another.
Feedback: Connect on Facebook: Naledi Laina Makuzha, or Whatsapp/SMS: +263719102572
