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Laina Makuzha LOVE by DESIGN
A wonderful reader asked this: “Ndoda kuzivawo kuti ndingawana sei mudiwa chaiye” and I thought there really might be a few people who are still searching for that one true love if such is possible. I often write about marriages but this week I’m talking particularly to you if you are looking for true love.
You might know by now that some experts say love is by design, that it is a choice you make, not something you “fall into”? If we consider it that way, it means being with someone will be determined by them not being necessarily perfect, but by a connection that you decide to pursue.
The 80/20 relationship theory, arguable as it may be, states that you can only get about 80 percent of your wants and needs from a healthy relationship, while the remaining 20 percent you would need to provide for yourself. In like fashion, some people then look for a partner that meets 80percent of their expectations and that is deemed pretty decent.
There are also those who choose to look for that mission 20 or 30percent from another relationship, often times ruining the original one in the process.
But what happens with relationships is there’s no one size fits all. You will always find that we all have different needs and expectations though some may be similar. So if you are searching, noone really has a set formula that would necessarily work, some of it just takes your dedication and the work you put into building the ideal relationship you want. Even married folks will tell you that the much coveted goal of marriage once in it, isn’t always as rosy as it seemed before getting in. So when looking for that partner, there are many different things to consider,but the main advice is don’t expect that the other person is responsible for your happiness.
I reckon it’s just too much responsibility and power to hand to someone. Be a happy,complete individual yourself, love yourself enough to be able to love someone else. Spend quality time with yourself getting to know who you really are, what you stand for and what happiness means to you. As you search,the following tips from experts weighing in on the issue might help you as you chart your way forward:
Pepper Shwartz, a relationship expert and sociology professor at the University of Washington believes that the ‘You’ll-find-love-when-you’re-not-looking’ approach may be wrong. It’s possible, but rarely happens,” says Shwartz, adding: “That’s like saying, You’ll find a job when you’re least looking for it, For the most part, people who wait for a job are unemployed,”
“For me, it’s just an excuse for being scared to go and put the effort in. Yes, it happens, but no, it’s not a good strategy, ” she added in an article by today.com
Schwartz however does agree with the underlying sentiment of saying: “Don’t be desperate. Put the effort into finding someone, but don’t act like any breathing body will do.” Some people end up throwing themselves mukanwa meshumba all in an effort to just be with someone. Breathe… Think about what matters most to you in a relationship and consider whether you are seeing these qualities in someone before you take the leap. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t seek love, but it’s how you do it that might make the difference between being happy and settling and living with lots of regrets.
So in your search, another tip I found really practical and logical is: Go where people like the same things you like and within the age group that applies to your preference. “You can skip singles events if you don’t like them, but you have to go where you can meet people”, Schwartz advised.
“Join social groups or meet-ups; be a worker bee in a cause you believe in; get involved in political parties. At the very least, you’re doing something you like and at the very best, you’ll meet somebody like-minded.”
Shwartz gives another tip which for some, might be new territory and of course to be approached with caution and all due diligence:”Bite the bullet and try online dating for a big pool of potential candidates. If you’re already online, try a different dating site.”
With online dating as with many internet based interactions, one would need to be sure it’s authentic, verified and perhaps with some real testimonials. I do know there are couples who have met online and have managed to make a success of their relationship.
Look up from your phone.
Sounds simple, right? Good men and good women are everywhere if you think about it — if you’re looking, noted Bela Gandhi, founder of the Smart Dating Academy in Chicago. She’s amazed people often complain they don’t meet anyone, but then go out and keep their heads down the entire time, staring at their devices. “Wherever you are, be present and look around the room to see who is looking at you. Make three seconds of eye contact with the cute stranger and smile — that’s an invitation for him or her to come over and talk to you", she advised.
Don’t seek romance, seek partnership
Romance is for dates, and it’s fun to have on occasion in your marriage, but it’s partnership that will get you through the rough times, said Tina B. Tessina, a California psychotherapist also known as
”Dr. Romance" and author of “How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together.”
In Zimbabwe we have countless great resources and experts on pre-marital and marriage counselling itself — including author Davison Kanokanga and Pastor Gwen Kanokanga, a couple that has so much fun doing the work they do to build strong marriages, with over 3decades of marriage experience themselves. Award winning author of over 40 books, Emeldah Tsumba and her husband also co-authored a marriage handbook whose launch we discussed in this column some months back.
Emeldah has platforms and resources on a weekly basis to help the singles and marrieds who are serious about long lasting relationships. Their commitment and knowledge of the relationship landscape is phenomenal, with over 4 decades of experience. This is just to mention a few. So you are never alone should you need help with carving your happiness.
“Don’t look for someone who sweeps you off your feet. That indicates a control freak, and you won’t like what happens later,” she advised. “Look for someone who likes the give-and-take approach,who seeks your opinion and considers it, who cares about what you want, too.”
Happy people attract people. I can’t say this enough. Should yourself friendly to make friends. When you are a happy, cheerful individual, soon enough it catches on, it's kinda contagious. You become pleasant to be around. Noone likes to be around a grumpy, ever whining, ever murmuring individual, it pushes people away.
On this one Shwartz had this to say: “Maybe the biggest issue in not being able to find love is that you’re not feeling good about yourself. Like yourself and like your life — really work on that. You have to be the person that you’d want to meet.
“If you’re not a happy, positive, self-confident person, you cut your chances of being in the right space for the right kind of person,” she said. Go to a therapist to see why you’re depressed; get a trainer if you haven’t been exercising, and visit a nutritionist to begin eating right If it’s a question of being shy, realise you could be less shy if you just worked on it, confront your shyness by taking bold steps to interact or socialise.
“The idea is that you have to train for everything, and you have to train for love as well,” Schwartz said. “You can work on yourself. You’re not a finished product unless you’re dead.”
So much more to share on this in the nest instalment. Meantime, let’s keep the conversation going, exchanging helpful tips, sharing experiences, solutions to challenges and building those unshakeable relationships that stand the test of time. I had many topic requests and am definitely on it – many thanks for all the feedback I receive weekly.
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