Couples’ forums: Fountains of wisdom

society to run in a balanced manner.
The formation of such associations is commendable, as it is easy to achieve results when the two parties involved in a union are present when issues affecting them are discussed.
Young Couples Associations are going for a holistic approach in solving marital and family problems in order to achieve fulfilling relationships.
While forums, which separate women and men serve their purpose in a given society, they are also important in their own way; forums like initiation centres/schools for boys and girls, kitchen parties, and bachelors’ parties, are preparatory stages.
Kitchen parties and bachelors’ parties serve as send offs for a bride or groom into marriage life and it is a way of having a farewell party with friends, and it is understandable for it to be exclusive to women or men.
However, I have not fully comprehended why baby showers are still being attended by woman only yet nowadays men are present when their wives are giving birth and why are they excluded during baby showers when they are also supposed to be taught how to look after the baby.
Although kitchen parties and bachelors’ parties are slowly being overtaken by associations like couples associations or forums, which discuss marital and other family and social issues with all parties involved.
Kitchen parties and bachelors’ parties can continue to act as platforms to send off the bride or the groom to the next level of being a married person, with the basic training provided for that day.
When people get married, they may incorporate what they have been taught through different stages of their lives, or they may decide to start all over with new ways of doing things.
Education received by women at kitchen parties and men at bachelors’ parties might be difficult to introduce or convey to one’s partner.
A number of women who have tried to introduce what they have learnt at kitchen parties to their husbands have not been successful and also men from the bachelor’s party.
I have heard stories of the two suspecting that one might have learnt it from someone; a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
That is why the formation of couples associations is a welcome progress, regarding marital and family issues.
This week, I was invited by a couples association where they had a one-day workshop and were looking at various issues to do with the family, from how to raise children, issues of HIV/Aids and issues to do specifically with the leisure room.
How a child is raised has to be agreed upon by both parents as stories of one parent blaming the other on how a child is handled are common.
That is why it is important for the two to agree on how they will raise their children.
Some might think that raising of children is just out of instinct, yes but coupled with some education and proper information parenting can be easier and enjoyable.
Those who have more knowledge on the subject can help educate couples on how to raise their children from an informative point of view.
The facilitator who talked on how to raise children touched on a number of issues and one of the issues, which we tend to overlook as parents and society is how children are abused during funerals as the bereaved think everyone at the funeral has come to mourn with them and yet others have other motives.
It is common sight at funerals that children are left to wonder at night while those who have come to mourn with the bereaved are sitting comfortably in the house and one wonders why people come to a funeral if they cannot help look after the vulnerable such as children of the bereaved.
Instead of looking after the bereaved children, some will be busy securing places to sleep, I think they should sleep at their houses if they are not going to help.
She advised that whenever there is a funeral, children should be provided a place to sleep away from the funeral and elders should be assigned to look after them.
The way children are not looked after at funerals has changed my view on why we even gather at these funerals.
Let us look after children wherever they are.
I also found the way she explained issues surrounding drug abuse informative and how as parents we always associate drug abuse by children as being influenced by peer pressure yet it could be a way of a child crying out for help.
But what do we do as parents?
We beat up that child instead of talking and trying to understand where he/she is coming from or taking the child to a specialist who can help him or her.
One would think by now people understand what HIV/Aids is.
But, it is surprising how people are still dying from the disease, and they are still getting infected with the virus.
The transmission of the virus to the unborn child and how we are still ignorant on how it is spread still remain an issue.
How couples are afraid to go for testing and if they are infected how to live positively is one of the concerns raised at the workshop.
People still need a lot of education regarding this topic.
Some couples only discover that they have this virus when expecting a child and it is important to protect the unborn child from having the virus.
While still on the HIV/Aids topic and how some people are not taking it seriously, I was shocked when we were discussing about the need to be open with each other regarding issues of the leisure room.
As usual, I encouraged couples to meet half way in accommodating the needs of their spouses, or rather the new ways of doing things that they may be interested in.
A man told us of a story of his friend who had just died of Aids and on his deathbed he said: “All this is a result of my wife who was refusing me my conjugal rights. I was left with no choice but get it from those who would give it to me.”
Before anyone in a relationship gets angry because she/he is not getting their conjugal rights, they must try and establish the problem.
Why is the other party not interested in playing?
The blame game will not help the situation.
The mentality of separating “Tombi” from the whole body does not help.
In one of my articles, I wrote about how a man said to his wife “it does not matter how angry you are and you are not in the mood to play but me and ‘Tombi’ we are friends and we can go ahead and play”.
This kind of playing is just mechanical and it can have terrible effects in a relationship.
One of the participants gave an example of some of the causes of why a spouse might not be interested in playing.
“If a woman does not know how the husband has used money and the budget fails to balance because of that, that can put her off during play time, because her mind will not be settled.
“Did the man who told his friends on his deathbed that his wife was refusing him his conjugal rights ever try to find out why she was not in the mood of playing,” the participant said.
Lack of communication has contributed to the breakdown of marriages and in this case it contributed to the death of the husband who was too proud and macho to discuss with his wife and find a way forward.
But for some it is the advent of HIV/Aids, which has taught them to be more open with their partners and find ways to have a fulfilled life with one partner.
Couples associations are facilitating that change of behaviour in couples.
Women should also learn to be open with their partners if they are not happy about something, keeping quiet will not solve anything.
We have heard so many times how a woman is disadvantaged because of culture, but it is the women themselves who will free themselves from this bondage, because if they do not they will remain in the worst prison under the sun for the rest of their lives. Is it really worth it?
No its not!
The priest who blessed the occasion explained that the prison that one faces in an unhappy marriage is the worst one has ever seen. He explained, “You live under the same roof, you sleep under the same sheets, but you don’t know what one is thinking, you are not happy. Is there any prison worse than that?”
I agree with the priest there is no prison worse than that.
I was proud of a woman who wrote to me and said: “I want to enjoy the leisure room while I am still here on earth as I don’t think over there they will be anything like it. I want to get maximum of it from my husband and I will make sure I do.” Here is another encouraging email
“I am a woman in her early 40s and really enjoy lovemaking with my partner. It is a fulfilling engagement and makes me look forward to a long life while thanking God for creating me in such a way that I enjoy this almost every time I get to do it.
My advice to my fellow sisters and brothers is that it requires an emotional connection with your partner, i.e. mutually appreciating and, respecting each other.
Treating this kind of thing as an; we are both learning, I am doing it for you as much as I am doing it for me and the life God has blessed us with.
Sex becomes the icing on the cake but the connection is the well-baked cake itself.
Once there is lack of trust, appreciation and respect maybe resulting from cheating, comparing your partner to somebody else then the connection is dysfunctional and no turning on is accomplished.”
l Joyce Jenje-Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer and freelance journalist. She can be contacted on: [email protected]