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Bongiwe Nkomazana
It is a special one. We all know that. However, how special is it? How critical is it for a girl to have a good relationship with her father? It goes without saying that boys need a strong and steady male figure in their lives to be an example of the type of man they should grow up to be.
Study shows that it is just as important for a girl to have the same male figure in her life for her life to turn out great too.
Have you ever heard of the terms “daddy issues” and “papa pains”? Although usually used humorously these are real. Daddy issues are an informal reference to the psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with one’s father.
The manifestation of these challenges may show up in many areas of a woman’s life from the time she is a little girl all the way up to most of her adult life.
Fathers and potential fathers, hear, hear! There is the misconception that a mother is the only parent that can care for newborns and toddlers. I mean yes, she is the only one that can breastfeed them but everything else dad can do as well because this is the time bonds are built. In my opinion if a father distances himself from his baby to try and engage later on once the child is an infant, it could be successful but not fully.
Luckily, we now exist in a time where fathers are encouraged to be hands on i.e calm crying baby, put her to sleep and play with her. There is something about changing your baby’s dirty diapers that will connect you to her and make you want to protect her at all costs.
That presence and activity will be the beginning of a very important relationship with your daughter. It’s starting to sound like a parenting blog but it’s okay, there is point. The point is that it is never too early for a father to invest in his daughter’s wellbeing by spending quality time with her. Once this is established as the norm, it will be carried on in all the stages of a daughter’s life.
As she grows up into a teen where her self esteem is challenged, believe it or not, whatever her father tells her will go. When I was growing up, I truly believed that my father was the greatest man that ever lived.
As naive as that sounds it remains true in my context. My mom was a teacher and my dad an engineer and they worked shifts. My mom would work during the day and my dad at night. The man would take care of me, feed me, change my diapers, take me to the doctor and there are pictures to prove it.
I do not remember it but just hearing those stories makes me happy still today and in a funny, subconscious way, makes me realise my worth. The fact that my father has been in my ear my whole life reassuring me, telling me I am beautiful even though my face was infested with pimples, comparing me to Serena Williams when I just played school tennis and every weekend he looks forward to this column to tell me is the best thing he has read his whole life.
It is cheesy but I love it and I don’t know if he knows it, but it boosts my confidence and I feel enough because my daddy said so! He showed up for all three of his daughters the best way he knew how and whatever issues we have now are definitely not “daddy induced”.
Michael Austin who is an associate professor of philosophy explains that a dad’s involvement in his daughter’s life is a crucial ingredient in the development of a young woman’s self-esteem.
The little things count like verbal encouragement, paying attention to her actions, being sensitive to her feelings, taking time to listen to her thoughts and taking an active interest in her favourite pastimes.
I know that our cultural backgrounds have portrayed a father to be a stern disciplinarian who doesn’t mingle with the peasants that are his wife and kids. Do not be that type of father.
This right here is the reason why most women will find that they have trouble communicating with their partners because they just didn’t see that type of communication at home or that they need extra affection from their partner because they did not get that type of affection from their fathers. I know wives are supposed to respect their husbands but have you seen those wives who will knock at their own bedroom door to get permission from husband to get in? I love you ladies but that has “daddy issues” written all over it.
Fathers also have influence on their daughters’ relationships. A case that proved this to be true was of a father who had a handful of children with a number of women. He was a good dad despite this fact but went on to disapprove of his daughter’s husband who displayed the same traits of being generous with his seed.
He didn’t realise this at the time and probably didn’t mean to but he set an example to his daughter of what a man should be like. Similarly, it is no surprise to see a girl who was raised in a home where her dad was physically abusive to her mom, find herself in abusive relationship after abusive relationship.
There is saying that goes a little something like “…a girl will marry her father…” but the hopes are that the father will strive to skew his daughter’s opinions of men in a positive way. After this, do you realise how a father abusing his daughter is the uttermost devastating form of betrayal?
There was a case some time back of father who locked his daughter in his basement for over 10 years and had a number of babies with her. I cannot imagine what that woman is still going through psychologically today. To have to live with the pain of being tortured by the same man who is supposed to save you from such monstrosities is unfathomable.
Let that simmer.
You are encouraged to share and discuss your views, opinions, experiences, and opinions on this issue.
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derick.khumalo