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when there is so much attention on relationships and all for bad reasons too.
These days it almost seems like all relationships have gone bad. However we all know that is not the case.
There are still quite a number of good relationships out there and those in them will tell you that it takes work to make it work.
However, because of all the negative publicity that has characterised relationships between spouses and partners over the past year, it now seems as if relationships are all now about playing with each other’s minds and feelings.
I asked some traditionalists the other day just what was going on with relationships these days.
I asked them why all of a sudden, at least according to media reports, women who have traditionally been known for holding on and keeping the home fires burning, are also now straying.
According to one elderly gentleman, however, there is nothing new with what is going on. He said for as long as he could remember, some married men and some married women have cheated.
He said it was for that reason that there is a Shona saying, which goes “gomba harina mwana” which loosely translated means a man who is dating a married woman cannot claim his child.
As far as the man was concerned, the only thing different about today was the presence of publications like H-Metro, which bring those things done in secret into the open.
Another elderly lady, however, said the difference between today and the past was that in the past once a man slept with a woman, he would marry her, even if she became his fifth or sixth wife.
But today the men claimed to love women but did not honour that love by openly making their feelings known.
She said the women of today were also problematic in that they were accepting being kept a secret.
“It is in secrets that we have problems. In the past everything was done openly and you either accepted it or you left,” she said.
Others said it was because of women’s emancipation that problems were occurring.
One man said if women were not educated and at times earning way more than men, then they would not behave as if they were men.
He said while it was acceptable for men to cheat, it was not acceptable for women, married ones at that, to do the same. Some said it was a spiritual war which needs to be fought with prayer, which I do not dismiss.
The one contribution I really liked, however, and would like to share, came from a woman who said there was real need to look at what the disease was instead of dealing with the symptoms.
Yes, divorce is on the rise and yes, married women are straying, joining married men who have been at it since eternity.
But all these are symptoms of a bigger problem and she said adding that to get to the solution there is need to identify the disease.
Firstly, for one to cheat in a relationship there has to be a problem surely, she asked and I tended to agree.
I do not see a man who is happy, content with his family wife, blessed with a good home, a partner who is his soul mate, who he is happy with in the bedroom, who makes him laugh and is a friend to him 80 percent of the time, going out with anyone else, do you?
I don’t see a woman with a husband who loves her, takes care of her, makes her laugh, pleases her in bed, spends quality time with her, shares in her interests, cares for her family and makes her his friend 80 percent of the time, cheating on him, do you?
I may be wrong but we are trying to get a solution here. There is something called the 80/20 percent relationship ratio that I heard of. The way it works is that no relationship can be 100 percent always.
However, if there are more positives in a relationship than negatives, that relationship is said to be a good one. What this means is that no one can claim to have a perfect partner.
So if you are cheating today because you think you have found a perfect partner, think again.
That partner may just be 10 percent of what you need (usually bedroom issues) while your partner at home is 75 percent in that they create a home for you, raise your children, care for your parents, advise you spiritually and in business, among other things.
Why not just do this simple exercise and see. But if it so happens that there is very little that you appreciate in the person you are with, then it may be time to move on.
Evidently as human beings we have a fear of change and at times we hang on when the cheese has since moved on and there is nothing left.
Surely, if a relationship has become so bad that there is absolutely no intimacy left, with a couple hardly talking or laughing together while in some cases violence even sets in, is it not time to call it quits on a good note rather than cheat on each other and hurt many more people in the process?
Most of the men and women I spoke to, however, said it is not that easy. Some said they worry what people would say if they left a partner of many years, others said they worry about the children but don’t bad relationships where mums and dads don’t even talk hurt children even more?
Others said they cannot leave their partners because they would not be able to cope financially.
The greater number, however, said they would rather stay and cheat because divorce is frowned upon not only by their families, but society too.
Do you see what our disease is? Are we beginning to have an idea that the issues are much bigger and that if we do not address them, they will keep blowing out of control?
I invite your comments and contributions on this one.
I will continue it next week.
Online Reporter