Do in-laws break marriages?

Vaidah Mashangwa
People tend to forget that when they marry they are getting into new relationships firstly with the new wife or husband, all in-laws, aunts, uncles and grandparents.  At times newlyweds get a feeling that their marriage is only for the two of them and quite unconscious of all the in-laws who will make part of the new family.
Others marry knowing and already believing that in-laws are a problem in relationships hence they go into a new marriage with hatred andresentment of in-laws. Some feel that in-laws trouble, after all, is part of marriage hence they go into a marriage armed for reprimands and vengeance.

Others marry looking forward to associating with a larger family and may look forward to a brother in-law or sister in-law to fill the gap of one’s own siblings. While all this is happening the in-laws might have a nasty attitude towards the new daughter in-law soon after she moves to the new family.

At times these relationships and attitudes may also be extended to the parents’ in-law themselves. Some automatically become friends and become united because of their children. At times though there might be competition between the two families and might spoil the good relationship.

In such instances, the two families might have nothing or whatsoever to do with each other. When this happens each married partner views his or her own in-laws negatively and may feel threatened or resentful towards them.

Interview results conducted on married men and women in their early years of marriage pointed out that in-law relationships were the most difficult areas in their marriages. The result show that in-law disagreements affect the early years of marriage more than later in the marriage.

The main reason why adjustments with in-laws are made over time is that both parties mature with age. At times this might require just tact and perceptive understanding.

The worst form of in-law relationship is between daughter in-law and mother in-law. Daughter and mother in-law relationship seems to be feminine in nature because the daughter in-law and father in-law rarely fight and vice versa.

If couples do not budget together this also creates more tension between the parent in-laws as the other party may feel that more money and grocery is being sent to in-laws without consent, and at times the daughter in-law may also have a problem of reporting each single problem.

Some of those interviewed highlighted that in-laws tried to run their families and gave too much advice.  Others felt that they helped too much and tried to influence their behaviour whilst on the other hand some daughters-in-law felt that the mother in-laws insisted on being the first in terms of their relationships and that the in-laws think that their sons still belong to them.

When this happens, some women find it difficult to discuss these problems with the husband hence this may go on and on.
The other problem in such relationships is that some mothers cling to their children and refuse to let them go and continue to make decisions for them long after the children should be making decisions on their own. In this instance, mothers may resist the natural course of events that children have to marry and leave home and that the new family including the wife is now dearer to him than the parents.

Actually many mothers experience a crisis in their lives when children marry and leave home or when they bring new wife home. The mother may feel threatened as she was accustomed to a certain type of life.

Fathers on the other hand are not as likely as mothers to follow the lives of children. Some are usually less close to their children emotionally. The father maintains his job and continues to work for the family and it is not important whether he gets or does not get anything from his new daughter in-law and his son .This is the reason why fathers-in-law are very closer to their daughter in-laws. He may even feel relieved privately when the last daughter or son gets married.

At times relationships with in-laws have been made easier by not staying together or by limiting visits to them. Visiting in-laws say twice a month help ease tension between the daughter in-law and mother in-law. Some maintain that the more time spent together the more the friction.

When parents are close by and if they are a part of a couple’s daily life, there is a tendency for the couple to take full responsibility of their own actions. They may also take sides with the family members during any misunderstanding.

In-law relationships are worsened when two young people coming from contrasting backgrounds such as different nationalities, religions, economic classes or social classes marry. Such marriages will have the in-law relationship difficulties in addition to the contrasting background.

At times parents become so critical of any changes their son may display and start blaming the daughter in-law for any changes exhibited by their son. At times this might not be seen as a positive development.

Age plays a critical role in terms of in-law relations. Men and women who marry when they are under twenty years find difficulties in getting along with their in-laws than those who marry at twenty-four years or above. Parents tend to interfere more when they feel that their children were not mature enough to marry.
At times some mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law in the interest of peace may just prefer to be quiet and keep to themselves to avoid conflicts.

It must be noted that there are some people who are by nature intolerable and are there to complain and cause havoc thereby destroying their children’s marriages.

Vaidah Mashangwa is the provincial development officer Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development Bulawayo. She can be contacted on 0772111592; Email [email protected]