Drinkers shout: Arrest them, Officer!

Bra Gee
Barman, give a drink to everyone. Let there be services in all churches to give great thanks for this miracle that has befallen the nation. Yes we are celebrating. Some big chefs, well-connected and all, have been ARRESTED!
We only wish that the cops could have waited until Friday evening so that the chefs’ 48 hours before appearing in court would have to stretch over the weekend. We sure do hope there are plenty of some nice lice in the cells they threw those important personage in.

And we sure do hope the experience resulted in a little soul-searching for the arrested and a lot fear for those awaiting arrest. For now that the police seem to have found a bit of gumption to exercise their oomph, we are sure that they will be using their booted feet with more vigour and regularity to tramp to the better parts of the capital city.

Once they get there, we imagine that they will knock loudly on high gates and push past outwardly reluctant and inwardly celebrating private guards to the mansion inside. There they will demand that the boss immediately get out of the Olympian sized Jacuzzi and come with them.

Or maybe the chef is in the lounge in front of the wall-sized LED HD screen which costs more than three Garikayi-Hlalanikuhle houses inclusive of all fittings and furniture. Not that we think there is anything wrong with some people being very rich while others are very poor.

No, deary me, no! Everyone knows that even China and Russia have admitted that socialism will only work with a new breed of humanity. For our current greedy lot only good old capitalism will do and we are all for it. So let the rich live large while the poor drown in their high density hovels during these current floods!

Meanwhile we have opened a betting pool at the usual place as to who is next. We sincerely hope that the battle boat is being truthful when he says there is enough evidence to lock up the horses and throw away the keys. Please Bacchante, and Dionysus, let that one be next, for the sake of the sunshine city.

And we are praying that in the upcoming arrests a media compliant police officer will do the right thing and let the cameras know when some big whale is about to get beached. Then we can have all the papers vying to show us the before and after pictures as the looters jerkily move from the lap of luxury via remand and then eventually to jail, like Gumbura.

Just imagine the joy as we look at how the mighty have fallen. Our glee will only be beaten by the bloodthirsty French peasants as they sat down to picnics while watching the self-appointed ‘blue bloods’ gush out the ordinary crimson stuff once the guillotine came slicing down on their pampered and spoilt throats.

A long stay in custody while in remand, please magistrates and judges, we beg of you. For if you let them out on bail they will flee the country to live on all that loot which we are sure is in offshore accounts. Surely if all that money was in the country our pre-school kids would not be nonchalantly speaking of complicated economic terms like ‘liquidity crunch’ with the same ease that they discuss the merits of vanilla versus Cornish ice cream.

And we will repeat that it is not the fact that some animals are more equal than others that we resent. After all the rich are exactly like you and I, only more so, to steal from F Scott Fitzgerald. So why should we begrudge them their little luxuries?

But what we object to is when the Airbuses they drive to cushion their sensitivities from the jarring of potholes and the saunas they install in all ten bathrooms are paid for with our money.

For public funds belong to the drinkers and all other good citizens of this country. I put the drinkers first, for if all that money had been given to our constituency everyone would be happy right now.

We would have immediately taken the money to the bar and bought a lot of drinks, for unlike the thieving chefs, drinkers share with all and sundry, regulars and even a few non-regulars. We would have paid for other goods and services like air time and other things that we shall not mention in a highly respectable and respected family paper.

Meanwhile the beady eyed publican would be smiling as the filthy dollar notes rolled in before he grabbed them and placed a bigger order with his supplier who would spread the good news to the brewer. The brewer in turn would make the farmer plant more barley, wheat, grapes or whatever it takes to produce a decent drink. With more money, the farmer would soon be paying for more services and goods.

And in the meantime the ever vigilant spouses would have taken their toll before ever the money reached the usual place and they would spend it on other things like food, fees utilities and clothes. They would also make a healthy tithe thus keeping our preacher fellows happy too.

A lovely dream isn’t it? But we are sure you do get the economic lesson made simple: Give drinkers money and economy will kick start itself in one go! From our mouths to the ears of the minister, we hope.

Anyway, never mind for very soon the tobacco farmers will be in town to keep every thief, opportunist, honest entrepreneur and the sisters who sell intangible goods very happy.

Till next week, bottoms up!