admin
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
Do you know your partner’s attachment style and your own?
Attachment styles, though not always fixed, can affect how we relate to others.
They can mean the difference between building successful relationships and a life of failing to connect with others for more fulfilling or long lasting relationships — if not identified and understood.
This week I invite you to explore attachment styles, just why they matter and how they impact our romantic lives.
Attachment styles are those patterns of bonding that humans supposedly learn as children and carry into adult relationships.
Experts largely agree that these patterns originate from the type of care one received in their earliest years. And I figure that the attachment styles can literally blind-side some relationships and cause havoc if they are not understood.
There are some folks who don’t believe that childhood experiences can affect one’s adulthood, conduct, beliefs and relationships. However, taking an interest in understanding our partner’s brain and attachment style can be a key component in building a secure and lasting relationship.
The Foundation of Love Attachment theory, pioneered by psycho-analyst John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, posits that our early bonds with caregivers significantly influence our adult relationships.
As infants, we instinctively seek proximity to our caregivers for survival. These early interactions lay the ground-work for how we perceive love, trust, and emotional safety throughout our lives.
“In humans, the behavioural attachment system does not conclude in infancy or even childhood. Instead, it is active throughout the lifespan, with individuals gaining comfort from physical and mental representations of significant others” (Bowlby, 1969).
In his enlightening book, “Wired for Love,” Stan Tatkin PsyD delves into the fascinating world of attachment theory and how it shapes our connections with others. Chapter One introduces the concept of forming a couple bubble. Other chapters cover:
Understanding what is going on in the brain during conflict or potential conflict.
Learning to know a lot about your partner.
How to create rituals and build closeness with each other.
Learning to protect your couple bubble.
How to fight fair.
Skills needed to keep love alive.
Attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
Those with a secure attachment style feel comfortable expressing emotions and trusting their partners. They create a safe “couple bubble” where both partners can openly communicate and rely on each other. Secure individuals believe in love’s durability and actively work to maintain their relationships.
Avoidant(Dismissive) Attachment:
Avoidant individuals tend to downplay emotions and prioritise independence. They display a strong sense of self-sufficiency, often to the point of appearing detached. They may fear emotional vulnerability and struggle with intimacy. Morning and evening rituals help them stay connected, even when their instinct is to withdraw.
Anxious Attachment:
Anxious individuals crave closeness but often worry about rejection. They may become preoccupied with their partner’s actions, seeking constant reassurance. Learning healthy conflict resolution is crucial for them to feel secure.
Disorganised Attachment:
Disorganised attachment results from inconsistent caregiving. Fearful-avoidant in childhood, these adults may swing between intense neediness and emotional withdrawal. They benefit from understanding their patterns and creating stability in their relationships. They desire close relationships but fear vulnerability, so they may behave unpredictably in relationships, due to their internal conflict between a desire for intimacy and the fear thereof.
Neurologically priming the brain for Love: Author Tatkin emphasises that our brains respond well to security, attachment, and routine. By understanding our partner’s attachment style, we can intentionally create a loving environment.
Becoming an expert on your partner: Understand what makes your partner feel loved and therefore express affection in ways that resonate with their attachment style as we have often shared in this column. Some couples seem to lack the patience required to get to really know their partner. I believe it’s worth our time to continually seek to understand our partners.
Morning and evening routine:
These small gestures foster connection and reinforce safety. A morning hug or an evening chat becomes a reassuring anchor in the relationship.
Conflict Resolution: Instead of a ‘warring brain,’ aim for a ‘loving brain.’
Learn to fight constructively, ensuring that both partners feel heard and valued.
Who can benefit from this book?
“Wired For Love” is for anyone who will have a relationship at any point in their life – and that’s most of us. Generally relationship books are made for those already in a relationship. However, Wired For Love can also be read by those outside of a relationship and learn about how to form a solid happy healthy relationship before they are in one.
As you navigate the journey of love, remember that attachment styles are not fixed. We can evolve from insecure patterns to healthier bonds. Whether you’re figuring out a new romance, a long-term partnership, or a marriage, the key lies in understanding and compassion. Consider embracing the power of attachment awareness for healthier relationships. Let’s keep the conversation going. You’re welcome to share your views, experiences and reflections on attachment styles. Connect with me on:
WhatsApp: +263719102572 or Email : [email protected].
Online Reporter
dyton mupawaenda