Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
HAPPY new month of September, parents and couples. This week the spotlight is on fathers, sons, and parenting at large — bearing in mind that parenting is inseparable from love, marriage and relationships.
When a father and mother raise a son, they are not just shaping a child; but a future husband, partner, and father. The way couples relate to each other becomes the silent curriculum their children absorb. Boys, especially, are losing essential ingredients of healthy development: movement, tribe, adventure, risk, connection, and sovereignty. In today’s digital age, screens compete for their attention, while culture pressures them to be “tough” and silent. But silence in this case is not strength.
In a recent Oprah podcast, “How to raise boys who are strong without shutting down,” world‑renowned psychologist Dr Shefali Tsabary explains that boys today are struggling because they are taught to suppress vulnerability. And what she showed is both uncomfortable and hopeful. Because how we raise our boys today determines the kind of men, husbands, and fathers they will be tomorrow.
Boys need love that sees them
Dr Shefali’s core message is this: we cannot raise “strong” boys by teaching them to shut down. Real strength is not silence. It is emotional awareness plus responsibility. Culture has generally taught boys: “Be tough. Don’t cry. Provide. Protect. Don’t feel.” But that creates men who are either numb or explosive — and those patterns spill into marriages later.
Instead, she calls for conscious masculinity — raising boys who are strong, sensitive, and self‑aware. Conscious masculinity rests on pillars that include emotional awareness, purpose, and tribe.
At every stage, boys need three things above all
To be seen and appreciated (not ignored, neglected or dismissed) — “Boys need to know: I see you. Not the version of you I want you to be.”
To be believed in — “Sons need to know you believe in them.” That is support.
To not be feared — Many mothers, especially in single‑parent households, raise sons from a place of fear: “Don’t become like your father.” That fear teaches a boy that his masculinity itself is dangerous.
Dr Shefali says fathers are the “first blueprint” of what it means to be a man. If a father is absent, angry, or emotionally shut down, the son either copies it or rebels against it.
She lists four pillars for fathers raising conscious sons:
Presence over perfection — Be there. Put the phone down. “Your son does not need a perfect dad, just a present one.”
Emotional modelling — “Boys learn how to feel by watching their fathers feel.”
Respect for the feminine — How a father treats women teaches a son what he thinks of women.
Guidance, not control — Lead him, do not dominate him. Give him responsibility early so he learns: “I am capable. I am trusted.”
A father’s job is to initiate his son into the world. To say: I see your strength, and I will teach you how to wield it with responsibility and a heart. Without that initiation, boys stay boys in men’s bodies.
Mothers’ role
Mothers are equally powerful. But Dr Shefali warns: some mothers often make two mistakes when raising boys:
Raising him as “herself”: Projecting her own wounds, fears, and expectations onto him. “When a mother tries to raise her son as herself, afraid of him, afraid of his masculinity, she inadvertently teaches him that to be a man is to be rejected.”
Using him to fill adult gaps: Confiding in him like a partner, or comparing him to the men who hurt her. “A mother’s job is not to make her son into the man she wished the other men in her life were. A mother’s job is to see the boy, believe in the man he is becoming, and not be afraid of his power.”
When a mother is afraid of her son’s energy, anger, or independence, she shames it. That is where misogyny begins. “Misogyny in a boy child begins when he learns early that his power is bad, that women are afraid of him, and so he must either suppress it or weaponise it later.”
The impact
Sons deprived of fathers often struggle with identity, boundaries, relationships, and purpose. Later, these struggles show up in their marriages: men who cannot connect emotionally, who either chase validation or shut women out, who confuse control with love. Yet Dr Shefali is hopeful. A mentor, uncle, teacher, or spiritual father can step in. The key is: some man must look that boy in the eye and say “I see you.”
Practical steps for parents and couples
Learn the language of your son. For some it is soccer, for others fixing things. Meet him there.
Name emotions out loud. “Dad is disappointed, but I’m not leaving you.” “Mom is angry, but I still love you.” This teaches boys that feelings do not kill relationships.
Honour both masculine and feminine. Let boys be strong and tender. Let girls be soft and bold. That breaks the cycle and strengthens marriages too.
In what might be regarded as the crisis of boyhood in today’s disconnected world, Dr Shefali’s challenge is clear: “We don’t need more boys who are ‘tough.’ We need boys who are awake. Awake to themselves, awake to others, awake to God.”
Fathers, your sons are watching you more than they are listening to you. Mothers, your belief in your son is rocket fuel for his adulthood. Couples, the way you love each other is the silent textbook your children read every day.
What are your thoughts or experiences?
Fathers: What did your dad do right, and what do you wish he had done differently?
Mothers: What has helped you raise your son with both love and healthy boundaries?
Feedback: Connect on Facebook: Naledi Laina Makuzha, or WhatsApp/SMS: +263719102572
