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Laina Makuzha, LOVE by DESIGN
Are you healed of the past enough to love?
Is the past holding you captive from your true happiness? When it comes to figuring the complex world of love and relationships, it’s not always black and white as to why someone will find love quickly and someone has a long wait before there’s any flicker of breakthrough.
In that intricate dance, for anyone desiring to find a lifetime mate, a lingering question remains: is it better to wait for love to find you, or to take action and put yourself out there?
While there’s no straightforward answer, one thing is certain — our attitude, expectations, and willingness to heal from past wounds play a significant role in our journey to finding love.
Some seekers of love unknowingly become their own enemies, sabotaging potential connections due to unresolved emotional baggage. Carrying bitterness from past experiences is unattractive, and can lead to unrealistic expectations, causing us to become overly critical or dismissive of potential partners.
In past articles we have spoken about how hurt people hurt others, as is often said. However, I tend to believe that hurt people often hurt themselves even more, by neglecting to address their wounds.
They may try to date, or find a loving partner, but unaddressed wounds get in the way such that the love falls upon rocky or thorny ground. Soon enough the relationship ends, and that individual has only added more wounds to themselves through that disappointment.
Healing from past experiences is crucial before embarking on a new relationship. Unresolved emotional pain can lead to: Unrealistic expectations, defensiveness, trust issues, or even fear of intimacy, among other things.
To break free from this cycle, many ideas are thrown around, but a key starting point is, honest, self assessment or introspection. What is causing you to go out breathing fire at the world, blaming everyone else for your lack of love? Some feel they have been short-changed by life, and are bent on blaming everyone they can except themselves, perhaps with good reason sometimes.
I’ve heard excuses about family not having exposed them enough, spiritual leaders not having found them a partner, or society being unkind to them.
That becomes a tired song. Sometimes there’s a blind spot and others around you can honestly help point out insights that could get you out of the rut. Ultimately, we must confront and heal from our past wounds.
Probably easier said than done, as it involves acknowledging the pain, forgiving ourselves and others, letting go of bitterness and embracing self-love and self-care, which I’ve often encouraged in past articles. Only then can we develop a healthy attitude towards love, recognising that nobody is perfect, relationships involve work, growth and compromise and that vulnerability is an essential ingredient.
It’s important to strike a balance between waiting for love to find us and taking action to meet new people. I don’t see any fairness in sitting back and expecting other people to do all the work for you.
You have a crucial part to play. Get out more. Be in places where you can interact with new people. When those around you suggest ideas for meeting people, it might help to knock off the attitude of “been there, done that…” as some tend to do.
It’s either you want to find love or you don’t. Beyond socialising and networking in church or work related events, there’s more one can do. Some are even open to healthy online networking.
However, it’s equally important to be mindful of our expectations. Being unrealistically picky or idealising perfection can hinder our chances of finding love. I reckon a balanced view of one’s ideal partner is crucial. You see, there’s the other pitfall I’ve noted in some singles, where they idealise marriage, where they place marriage on a pedestal to the point that they push themselves to desperation and are prepared to be with just about anyone, as long as they can attain the “married” status.
That approach comes with its own challenges.
All I’m saying is let’s remember that healing is a crucial but continuous process. Check yourself, if you are not contributing to the loveless situation.
It’s possible to still be hurting without realising it. By acknowledging our pain and taking steps towards healing, we can break free from self-imposed barriers and embrace the beauty of love.
If facing challenges in relationships, or have a success story, testimony, or a question, I invite you to reach out and share including your views and insights on this topic.
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