shloboe boe
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube [email protected]
In the sweltering heat of the day, an elderly man approached me, his figure silhouetted against the unforgiving sun.
My wife was away, leaving a stillness that hung in the air. As he spoke, his voice carried a weight of concern, each word wrapped in unspoken worries.
I could sense, his heart was heavy and I gently urged him to share his burden with me, hoping to lighten his load.
After a deep, trembling sigh, he began to speak, his voice quivering with sorrow, each syllable dripping with the pain of untold stories.
“I have something sensitive I want to share with you,” he said. “The community is concerned about you,” he added.
“They believe something must be wrong with you.” I was a new pastor in that area and wondered what wrong I had done. When he saw the puzzled look on my face, he said, “You are a man and a pastor, right?” I nodded in agreement.
“It isn’t manly to fetch water for your wife. That behaviour is considered womanly.
People are saying your wife used some traditional medicines to turn you into a foolish man.” I laughed at the thought because I knew it stemmed from a misinterpretation of African culture. It contradicted with the principles of ubuntu that I hold so dearly. In a rural district, we fetched water from a borehole about a kilometre from our home. I would push a wheelbarrow to the borehole and back, which was a joy.
In one class I attended for my graduate studies, there was a heated debate on whether a man should do things considered feminine. The composition of the group was predominantly African men and a few African women. While being Christian, the controversy was more inclined to African traditional thinking. Some went to the extent of saying that even in illness, no man should do dishes, wash clothing, or cook. I understood the background of the discussion.
Although being an African, I disagreed with them. I think we can be manly by being “womanly”. As a man living with a woman who is struggling with endometriosis, I want to share ideas of becoming manly by being womanly. These are anchored in two cardinal principles that I value:
1. Defining my marriage
Since the early days of my marriage, I have not been bothered by what others think a real African man should do. Living according to a script that the world has written for me is not only intolerable but unacceptable. People (and this includes me) may suggest how you should run your marriage, get the essentials from there but define your marriage. Remember the words of Erwin W Lutzer, “Milk as many cows but make your own butter.”
2. Loving my wife unconditionally
I have learned to love my wife despite being childless. Marriage is not validated by procreation; love is the glue that cements it.
Endometriosis Awareness Month
March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, a crucial time dedicated to increasing awareness and understanding of endometriosis, a condition many people may not fully comprehend. This month-long observance serves as a platform for launching various initiatives aimed at educating individuals about the key symptoms of endometriosis, which can include chronic pelvic pain, painful periods, and infertility, among others.
In addition to raising awareness about symptoms, these initiatives also emphasise the importance of exploring available treatment options, which may range from pain management strategies to surgical interventions, depending on the severity of the condition. Women experiencing symptoms are strongly encouraged to engage in discussions with their healthcare providers to receive personalised advice and support tailored to their individual circumstances.
Importantly, March serves as an opportunity for all individuals, including men, to educate themselves on how endometriosis impacts the lives of women.
Understanding the nuances of this condition fosters empathy and support, ultimately contributing to better health outcomes for women living with endometriosis. It is a collective effort to advocate for improved research, treatment and support for all those affected by this condition.
Courageous Care
Below are the ideas I shared on how a husband can support an endo-warrior (someone battling endometriosis). Please note the list is based on personal experience and can be applied to any marital relationship.
a) Accompany your wife to the doctor. Companionship can never be replaced.
b) Assist her to do some chores. Nothing consoles than a husband who cares.
c) Prepare delicious meals for her when she is struggling with period pains.
d) When others talk ill about her, protect her. Be her shoulder.
e) Buy her fresh flowers and tell her she means a lot.
f) Nothing beats the ministry of presence. If you have nothing to say, it is better to quietly sit with her with your arms around her.
g) The ministry of touch makes a great difference. You can just sit by her bedside and rub her back. Passionately touching her without saying much communicates that while she may not be able to provide you with sexual satisfaction (during the time of her illness), you still love her with passion.
Where love resides, an undeniable nurturing spirit flourishes. When one’s heart is genuinely devoted to the divine, kindness becomes a natural extension of that affection, especially towards one’s partner. It’s inconceivable for a person who truly cherishes God not to embody compassion and tenderness in their relationship with their spouse; love, in its purest essence, compels one to show care and warmth.
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube is a chaplain, counsellor, marriage coach and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.
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