From boyhood to manhood: outlet or outcry

HE sat there shivering with his mouth half-open. All support structures had collapsed and there was no hope for the future. A heavy cloud of gloom darkened his mind. Its denseness thickened with each ticking second. The sound of the clock on the wall became a doomsday countdown timer.

Dangerous thugs from the pit of despair broke into his brain and vandalised his defence system. They left it gasping for breath in the pool of suffering. Dethroning reason, they enthroned feelings of rage, fear, hopelessness and meaninglessness. These became envoys of tragedy. Life became a useless option that had unreasonable demands.

The pleasurable depreciated to deplorable. The young man’s head became a huge stamp mill that pounded negativity into countless grains of damaging emotions. Conflicting thoughts fought each other like enraged ghetto gangsters. They violently threw him into indecisiveness. When his brain landed, it concluded that what was needed was ending his life.

With no one to tell and with everyone to scorn, the young man feared his outlet would be an outcry. He chose to use the easier way — ending his life. Every person around him didn’t seem to care. He thought to himself, “After all, who would listen?” When he reached out to one friend, he was emphatically told, “Man up, be strong!”. That collapsed his whole being until he concluded something must be wrong with him by not being okay.

Below are three valuable suggestions on creating an outlet for painful emotions. While onlookers may take it as an outcry of a spoilt brat, there’s a need for release.

Be courageous and acknowledge your situation

People around us usually don’t want to confront the reality of our situations. They either avoid them or talk about them in our absence.

People want to “kill pain” as quickly as possible by using clichés like, “Get over it,” “Be strong,” and so on. Some feel they can talk someone into pacifying the pain. This makes us ignore the real situation thus leading us to denial. For instance, at one time I was addressing some people about my childlessness and how it is to experience it as a man. One lady quickly asked, “Have you given up on God? Does it mean He will not come through for you in this situation?” I understood where she was coming from. Having worked on my life’s story, I was not detoured by her well-meant question. What she wanted to say was that the pain season may pass quickly.

Real healing begins when we acknowledge our situation. When we are still sugar-coating it with socially constructed notions, we lose an opportunity of offloading negative emotions. Somebody said, “It’s okay not to be okay.” When I know that I am not alright, then I will seek help.

Be courageous and seek help

Last month, the focus was on men’s health. While messages on various platforms were trying to raise awareness on this matter, the problem seemed trivial. It is unfortunate that something that should have been given so much thought and planning has been ignored and even given degrading names. Consequently, society has created men who have a general disinterest in getting assistance. It sounds like being sissy and effeminate. In fact, several studies reveal that men’s help seeking behaviours are skewed. Some of them never look for help.

Seeking help takes being vulnerable to another person. It takes breaking machoism barriers and embracing openness. I was discussing this subject with Kevin A Davidson, a friend of mine who runs Mindful Masculinity. He said to me, “Vulnerability is real courage.” I add that it is real manhood. It takes a real man to acknowledge that he is not able to walk the journey alone. Seek professional help from those who will listen to your story without judging you. There are counsellors trained to be empathetic. I speak from the testament of experience.

Be courageous and confront your situation

When it dawned to me that I am a childless man, I could choose to hide in my pride-cased cocoon. After all, it was going to be tolerated. No one was going to blame me for not confronting my situation. However, this was going to be “uncomfortable comfort.” Resolving to revolutionise my situation into a ministry was birthed by dealing with each facet of male childlessness.

While confronting your situation may leave you with some wounds, it clears all unfinished business. It liberates you from feelings of guilt. You become thankful for being vulnerable. When I publicly shared my story the first time, I was wounded by callous comments but healed by those who walked in my shoes. I was glad to know that I spoke for someone who could not open up.

Confronting your situation is a product of acknowledging it. When you do so, you will then be propelled to seek help.

Professionally trained people will then walk you through to process your situation. While for me it was coming out in public about my childlessness and becoming a “wounded healer” to others, your confrontation may be different. This is not a one-size-fits -all. As you walk towards healing, acknowledge your situation, seek help on it and confront it.

Sikhumbuzo Dube is a pastor, chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded people. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.