Online Reporter
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube, [email protected]
I was seated this afternoon, imagining if I had a son. I pictured him walking to me, and saying, “Daddy, should I cohabit before getting married?” This is my response to my imaginary son. I pray someone may benefit from it.
Cohabitation was uncommon in the early years. However, it has increasingly become a prevalent phenomenon in recent times. In Africa, cohabitation is relatively new, with rates varying by age group and region. There is limited data for Africa, although some research indicates a higher frequency in Central Africa than in West Africa and a noticeable increase among young adults in other regions. In certain demographic groups, cohabitation rates have surpassed marriage rates and are rising throughout Southern Africa. According to statistics, a significant portion of the population opts for cohabitation over marriage, particularly among younger age groups and specific racial demographics.
In other regions, this is also a new phenomenon that requires attention. A report by the Pew Research Centre indicates that the number of cohabiting couples has risen dramatically, with approximately 18 million couples living together in the United States alone in 2021, compared to just three million in 1980. Some men believe that starting a marital relationship with cohabitation before marriage leads to a clearer understanding of each other’s lifestyles and expectations, as studies suggest that couples who cohabit before marriage often have better clarity on these aspects.
Cohabitation, defined as the personal coexistence of two individuals in a romantic relationship without the formal institution of marriage, can significantly influence the dynamics of marital relationships and the overall effectiveness of the marriage union. This article explores the effects of cohabitation on the maintenance and longevity of marriage.
Some believe cohabitation is essential before marriage, as it helps couples understand each other’s values and habits better. This may lead to more informed marriage decisions. Others argue it’s vital to determine if a prospective wife can have children. Some men suggest cohabitation fosters financial co-operation, which can improve marriage by sharing living expenses and responsibilities.
Although cohabitation is becoming increasingly popular and is often viewed as a sensible next step in romantic relationships, it can present several hazards and challenges. These are some potential risks associated with living together, or what I refer to as “complexes.”
Connection complex
Imagine John meeting Jane at a gathering; their eyes lock, and John’s heart melts at the stunning face across the table. He obtains the contact information of this remarkable lady, and they end up living together. What connects these two individuals must last long enough to nurture their relationship into marriage. However, cohabitation blurs the line between being in a marriage and merely testing it out. The connection lacks commitment and is thus bound to be severed. Jane is not John’s wife, yet she is already enjoying the benefits of being a married woman. She becomes so accustomed to John that marriage seems unnecessary.
In the marriage cycle, the excitement phase typically occurs in the first two years of marriage, helping to keep the couple connected. When people live together before marriage, this phase can still manifest. However, it may fade before a commitment is made, leading to a loss of connection prior to tying the knot. These two individuals will have shared what married partners typically share, but a connection without commitment can result in contractual challenges.
Contractual complex
Cohabiting presents a contractual challenge for both individuals. While the new Marriages Act may be a welcome change, couples who wish to protect their wealth and properties must legally solemnise their marriage before living together. Cohabiting couples often do not enjoy the same legal benefits as married couples.
Commitment complex
Cohabitation is often approached casually by some couples, who see it as a trial phase rather than a definitive step towards a deeper, long-term commitment. This perspective can unintentionally lead to an extended period of indecision about marriage and long-term partnership. The comfort and convenience of living together might create complacency, causing one or both partners to feel reluctant to make a formal commitment to each other.
Consequently, this can result in an ambiguous relationship status, leaving both individuals uncertain about their future together and the implications of their living arrangement on their relationship trajectory.
Complacency complex
Cohabitation, while often viewed as a practical arrangement for couples, can lead to a sense of complacency regarding the institution of marriage. This phenomenon occurs when partners become too comfortable in their living situation, enjoying the benefits of companionship and shared responsibilities without the formal commitment that marriage entails. As a result, they may inadvertently delay or avoid taking the steps necessary to solidify their relationship through legal means, leading to an indefinite postponement of marriage plans. This extended period of comfort can create a sense of security, but it may also prevent couples from addressing important discussions about their future together, ultimately risking their long-term relationship stability.
Conflict complex
While some contend that cohabitation often creates obstacles for couples to overcome, potentially enhancing their ability to resolve conflicts and adapt to changing circumstances in marriage, it may also have the opposite effect.
Conflict can arise from a couple’s unclear marital status. Partners may become uncertain about their intentions and find it difficult to express their feelings about the relationship and their future together.
Consequently, cohabiting couples can encounter disagreements over daily routines, finances, and household responsibilities, which may escalate due to stress or misunderstandings. Tension may emerge while adapting to shared routines and spaces, especially if partners have different cleaning standards or lifestyles.
By providing premarital counselling, which teaches people how to resolve conflicts, I help young people get ready for marriage. Additionally, the fiancé and fiancée pledge to coexist peacefully. Despite the possibility of conflict, they are more prepared than they may have been when they chose to live together. With these words, my son, I cannot encourage you to cohabit. Invest in knowing your partner through in-depth premarital counselling, open communication with her, discussing your expectations, spending quality time together, observing the interactions and understanding her family of origin.
Pastor Sikhumbuzo Dube is a chaplain, counsellor, marriage coach and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.
